Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Best in 2011

So I already posted my favorite music of 2011 here: http://aftertheradio.wordpress.com... but I wanted to comment a little on my favorite movies of the year:

The Descendants - Clooney is stinking amazing in this. But everyone is amazing in this. This film does such an amazing job of dealing with real grief without falling over into ridiculous cliches or redemption that seems unearned or unreasonable. Walks that tightrope between humor and pain really effectively and any movie that manages to get a good performance out of Matthew Lillard deserves mad props.

Warrior - Geez this movie is a suckerpunch. You think it's an action movie, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's MMA Rocky, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's a redemptive family story, and it sort of is, but it's not. A friend of mine put it best when he said he's never seen a movie manage to hit every cliche in the book while still missing them and I think that's bizarrely accurate. Definitely worth your time.

Tree of Life - No narrative, barely any dialogue, almost incoherent at times, but it's easily one of the most visually stunning movies I've ever seen. It's a meditation on the "Where were you when I..." speech in Job. Was mulling over this one for weeks after and that's always appreciated.

Drive - So violent, so very, very violent. But some of the best images/music combinations in a movie I've ever seen. Turns the whole noir/superhero genre on it's head. Doesn't go at all where you expect it to. Such a good movie.

The Ides of March - A really nuanced portrayal of one mans turn from idealist to cold pragmatist. The dialogue is insanely good and really draws you into the seedier side of politics. Probably the best closing shot of the year.

50/50 - I really enjoyed this one. Felt like a lot of people forgot about it at the end of the year, but it's a refreshingly genuine look at illness, grief, despair, etc. One of the only times I've been ok with Seth Rogen in a movie.

Beats, Rhymes, and Life - I love Tribe Called Quest, so this is a biased pick. But I thought this was a really well made, very insightful look into one of the best rap groups ever. Had a blast seeing this one.

Attack the Block - A kid's adventure movie that's not for kids. A genre bending sci-fi action flick, that's also a little bit of a thriller, that's also a social commentary, that's also freaking hilarious. Maybe my favorite movie this year.

Midnight in Paris - Holy crap this movie is amazing. Great acting, great references to historical figures, funny and it pulls all these things off without ever hitting you over the head with them. What sounds like oscar bait on paper never seems desperate and that's incredibly impressive. Really enjoyed this one.


Best Popcorn Flicks:

MI-4 - Really, really solid action flick. Great set pieces, and more solid actors means less Tom Cruise time... always a good thing.

Crazy, Stupid, Love - I'm really impressed with how good of a movie this was. I'd be tempted to put this on my best of the year if it wasn't so clearly fluff. I won't say much cause it's worth going into untainted but it's well worth your time.

Super 8 - Just watched this one a second time and it was way better on the second viewing when separated from all the hype. Like a love letter to my childhood. Nothin' wrong with that.

X-Men First Class - Easily one of the best superhero movies made. Probably surpasses Singer's versions. Really impressed by how character driven this was.

Movies I haven't seen yet, but I'm pretty sure will make my best of:

The Artist
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Biggest Disappointments:

War Horse- Really?! Seriously?! People thought this was Oscar worthy? Cheesy, plodding, an unnecessarily long opening two hours. Folks, just because the last 45 minutes effectively tugs at your heartstrings doesn't mean you should excuse a movie that is easily 2/3 lazy filmmaking. Dang it Spielberg, I was hoping for more from this.

Young Adult - The ending of this one really pissed me off. I'd totally agree with a friend's analysis who said the ending speaks more about the writer than anything else. Almost (well maybe not even almost) a truly redemptive film that approaches incremental change and then has the movie laugh at you and say super sarcastically "let's be honest no one ever changes." Super frustrating.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Simplify Simplify

I've been overwhelmed by music this year. It's been insane. The music industry has been an institution in flux for some time now but I've felt that shift more than ever before this year. I've always loved music. Always felt challenged by it, inspired by it, wanted to hear as much of it as possible. But that desire has been tempered, in large part, by the fact that money was always an issue. Without going to far into the argument, I've never been a huge fan of illegally downloading music. Having had friends try to make it in the industry I know how much of a difference buying a record can make for a small band. So, for the most part, I've tried to stick to music I could afford. That, though, is becoming less and less of a buffer. Bands are increasingly making music on their own and releasing it for free. Music blogs are presenting more and more legally downloadable music. Suddenly, the restraining influence of a budget is gone. Bring on the tunes. Looking through my music I've added around 900 songs in the last 4 months. That's about 15% of the music I've ever owned. I know that's nothing for some people, but the trend is crazy to me.

All that to say, I'm realizing that the destruction of the barriers to information that has happened over the last 15 years has made me a man of very diverse influences. Music, movies, books, data are all at my fingerprints and I've become something of an information hound (that's a very polite way of putting it). I'm realizing lately that it's not necessarily a good thing. I rarely process information anymore. I rarely digest media. I rarely consider the impact of anything in my life. It's really no wonder that my generation is so freaking nomadic, so incredibly unsettled. We're never forced to sit and savor anything.

This thought process has been an ongoing one, but it really hit me again watching an interview with Donald Glover. He was talking about his new Childish Gambino project and was asked what albums really impacted him. He was able to instantly rattle off a few choices. THat's becoming harder and harder for me to do. I rarely give anything time to take hold. I'm really trying to get back some of that. I want to read a few select books this year. Really read. Not the speed reading I'm used to. I want to sit, savor, marinate. I'm trying to let a couple albums really sink their teeth into my brain. I want to watch a couple of movies over and over and get back some of that love for dissecting a shot or a line or an edit. I miss those days.

Maybe this is nostalgia rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's a healthy response to a crapload of information. I'm not exactly sure. I don't hate the fact that I have a world of information at my fingertips but I'm not going to ignore the fact that it could mess me up either.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ambition isn't cheap

Ambition is a funny thing because so many of us have it but so few of us are actually willing to do anything about it. I'm six years into this teaching thing and I'm realizing that it would be so ridiculously easy to quietly sink into resignation, to succumb to the urge to just be what I am now and nothing more. I used to talk to friends in college about adults I lost respect for because it seemed like they settled, like they just gave up on life. That doesn't seem so far off now. I was an arrogant little prick. What makes it so hard is that ambition is usually in direct opposition to comfort. In my teens comfort was friends and acceptance, in my 20s comfort was having a job, friends, and acceptance. In my 30s it looks like you just throw family in there, shake, and serve. I don't want that.

I was talking to a friend of mine about what life in the Spirit actually was and wasn't. He was saying that life in the Spirit, real life in the Spirit is something that very few people want because it's extremely unpredictable, it's often hard, it's never comfortable. It tells one person to sell all his/her possessions and tells another that it's ok to have them if used them a certain way, it leads one person to leave everything to live in Africa and another to live on the beach in California. It's chaotic and it often seems unfair.

These two things have been coming to a head lately because I'm realizing that I A) don't want to live without ambition and B) my principle ambition is to live life fully in the Spirit. That seems terrifying. I've known very few people who actually do this and those I have known have lived insanely tumultuous lives and not often in the fun way. That being said it's the only thing that seems worth chasing that really means anything at the end of the day.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Kiwis make great music

I went to see the Naked and Famous at the belly up on Sunday. They're quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and if you haven't heard of them I highly recommend you check them out. One of the things that really impresses me about seeing them live again is how much they really dedicate themselves to wringing every last drop of energy out of their songs. This isn't mindlessly throwing yourself around the stage kind of music. This is recognizing the potential for expansive sound in your songs and really bringing that out to the biggest possible point. It was incredible. In doing so, they made their less known tracks more memorable, the gave new life to the overplayed ones. It's the kind of show that reignites your love for a band and that's the second time one of their shows has done that for me.

It made me realize though, there's something so infectious about being genuinely committed to what you're doing. There's something genuine about it that really brings out a similar freedom to commit in your audience. We're so quick to lock up and check our surroundings to see if it's ok to let loose. When the band feels free to do that, it changes the whole paradigm. People start dancing who wouldn't normally. Fans are made. Hipsters start to loose their "I'm too cool for this" edge. It's a good time all around.

By extension we rarely do this in life. More often we let the pressures of our obligations, the influence of friends and community, the dynamic of a place determine our commitment. We are responsive over transformative. The shame in that is the way that it subtley kills the unique transformative qualities that each of us has. We become Eliot's desperate men, quietly allowing ourselves to slip away. I've been trying this week to shake that, to carry a certain boldness into interactions into what i'm trying to do. That probably means I'm going to fall flat on my face and seem ridiculous more often than I'd like but it's probably worth it.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Taking your own medicine tastes like Robitussin

So I was speaking in chapel this week on identity... the identity we've been given, the identity we're told we should have, the identity we chase. This seems a bigger issue in light of the whole facebook/tumblr/twitter thing. Identity is ours for the making and remaking. This seems a problem but maybe that's just me.

The talk was on Zacchaeus and the was in which he pursued power/influence/respect and how quickly that dissolves in one interaction with Jesus. For whatever reason, one interaction and he's generous, compassionate, justice focused. It's incredible especially when you realize there's no miraculous healing, no deep interaction like the woman at the well. There's only acknowledgement.

We had the students complete an exercise where they were given sheets of dyed paper and told they could trade or keep them. After discussing the exercise I spoke on not letting others force you to accept an identity that's not you, on not being apathetic about your identity, on not trying to get rid of the parts of yourself that are uniquely you just because they're not approved of by your culture. It was one of those talks that starts out like "Oh yeah this is good stuff for them" and ends with "man I'm so bad at this" I hate it when that happens. It's super annoying. It feels like I'm just avoiding truth that I clearly should be aware of but have, for whatever reason, completely avoided doing anything about. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Whenever I walk into a new setting I'm almost immediately evaluating the room to figure out the best me for that situation. I know this is an old thing with me. It's not like I haven't been grappling with it for years or anything, but it's been more focused lately. I'm really crappy at being anyone but myself. I'm horrible at adapting to people's expectations of relevant or cool or interesting or enlightened. I'm not sure I care to try anymore. I told a friend of mine my theme for the year (yes I know I've been big on theme lately) is "say something" I'm at a point where I'm going to do what I think is right and if people have a problem with it they can either say something and I'll totally discuss it with you or keep quiet and I'm not going to waste time wondering if you actually have a problem and aren't saying anything. It just feels more sane that way.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

80s movie spirituality

It's a classic 80s formula. Teen/kid decides his or her life is unsatisfactory, figures out that changing their personality would fix everything, makes the change, realizes that who they were was what's important. Everyone ends up happy. See Can't Buy Me Love, Lucas (to a certain extent), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if you believe the theory that the whole thing happens in Cameron's head... look it up, it's trippy). It's a fairly well accepted and overused film convention. What's interesting, though, is that for as much as we understand that basic premise so many of us completely ignore it. In the desperate, scrambling search for value and acceptance that we're all on we constantly adapt who we are to gain approval.

I was thinking about this in church last week. The pastor, in perhaps the strongest moment of his sermon, said that the ways in which you pursue friends and community will define the ways that you pursue God. That floored me. I've been aware for a long time that I have a tendency to modify my personality to fit whatever group I'm around (to the thinkers i'm a thinker, to the cynics I'm a cynic, to the hipsters I'm a hipster) but I've never thought about the fact that I have done the same thing with God for the better part of my life. In my pursuit of the Almighty I have consistently been who I thought he wanted me to be when I interacted and not who I actually was. This seems ridiculous when considering that he made me and knows me better than anyone else no matter how I'm acting. But still... that's pretty much what I do.

Instead of just being the real, flawed, broken, messed up person I am I try to approach God wearing a lot of different hats. To varying degrees I try to act like a monk, saint, pastor, worship leader. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it essentially means that my relationship with God is based on a sham... a sham that I'm continually constructing and deconstructing. What's the point of that? What's the point in acting somber, penitent, etc. if I'm not really feeling that way at the time. I want to pursue God with integrity and a lot of times that means being honest about the fact that sometimes I don't feel like pursuing him at all because I'm human and, well, sinful. I knew a pastor once who used to say something along the lines of "Every other Monday I don't believe in God" That's alarming to hear a pastor say. But it's so honest. It so completely reveals the complexity of where he's at and where he's at with God. That's what I'm searching for. I'm trying to get to a place where, more than with anyone else, when I approach God I approach him as myself.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Patriotism and Church, Church and Patriotism

So I went to a new church on Sunday, which for the purposes of this post will remain nameless and I really liked it. Overall I thought that it was really good. The community was diverse on pretty much every level and the sermon was solid, if a little fluff-ish. But there was something that kind of put me off in the service that I've been mulling over for the past couple of days. In the middle of the worship set, the worship team broke into "America the Beautiful" and asked the congregation to "sing it to Jesus." Now, granted, it was the ten year anniversary of 9/11 and the song does pointedly reference God's grace, but the whole thing kind of came across as just, well, wrong. While I'm hugely thankful for the unique freedoms and opportunities that are afforded me spiritually just by living in this country, singing a song that espouses how awesome the country is in the middle of a worship set just seems messed up to me. We already struggle enough with a misplaced sense that being an American makes you inherently more Christian, why push that further by trying to turn a song about America's worth into a worship moment. It just seems like an easy way to reinforce that mindset.

We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.

Monday, August 15, 2011

First Day Back to School

It's always interesting on the first day back. People get all over the place concerned about really random stuff. You see the parents freaking about about their babies growing up and taking another step. You see the kids freaking out about the year and how things are going to work out. You see the new kids feeling like they don't know how to fit in or how to define themselves. It's this crazy hustle and bustle that is pretty much exactly the same every year. It's this flailing attempt to figure out who you are, who you want to be, who your friends are going to be, what you're going to do, where you're going to go. It's a feeling that's rarely replicated but it's really interesting to see. People are very very desperate to latch on to community in that sort of situation. They want to find people who they can really connect with and who they can truly feel safe with. What's interesting though is that it's incredibly insulated. It's this sort of... whew I found my friends, they're mine, I'm safe, now I can make it through the day. It's going to be ok. I really don't have to worry about anything too much. What's interesting about this is this is basically how I view all my groups of friends, but I don't have an annual reminder to show me that I'm doing it.

I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Posturing or Fronting or Whatever you want to call it...

I've become way more aware of the fact that I try way too hard to establish myself. I don't know where this trend came from but I fall into it super easily. It's this whole subconscious attempt to let people know who I am. I AM IMPORTANT! I am intelligent! I am strong! Why? It's this endless game of trying to passively gain other respect. It's an overflow of the type of insecurity that strikes and makes you concerned that other people don't give you enough credit that other people don't value your worth enough.

I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thoughts on Tree of Life

So I saw Tree of Life yesterday. And it was alarming and tense and inscrutable and random and kind of a mess at times.

I loved it.

It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.

It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.

Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.

So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Overexposure and Excess of Influence. Geez this title is pretentious...

So I've never really been big on illegally downloading music. Sure I've done it, but it never really sat right with me. Especially having known struggling musicians who were just trying to get by, I know how important it is towards the livelihood of a band to gain some traction with sales. So, most of the time, if I like a band I buy their stuff. But there's something interesting that's been happening over the last year or so that is really changing the landscape of how this all works. People really aren't charging for music quite as much as they used to.

Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.

There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.

Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.

Friday, July 22, 2011

1, 2, 3... hold on 3 and then go or go on 3?

Fear can be a funny thing. It can lock us up to the point that we avoid the things in our life that might be the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most amazing. We lock ourselves into these places we call responsibility, stability, sensibility in a sort of comfortable rationalization that keeps us from ever discovering the epic that might be out there if only we had the gumption to take it.

I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.

Go.

Now seriously.

This is a big deal.

To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.

It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.

Try and stop me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Life as a house... crappy movie/great point

So I was watching "Life as a House" the other night. Man that's a bad movie. It's cheesy in all the wrong ways. Hayden Christensen (sp?) can't act to save his life. It's melodramatic. It's ridiculous. It also makes a really amazing point.

We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.

I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.

The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.

I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

We see what we let ourselves see.

It's been a strangely cultural summer. I'm not trying to sound pretentious when I say that. It's not like I'm sitting in the Getty sipping pellegrino and listening to Chopin or anything. I just mean I've been able to invest in the side projects that I enjoy so much more than other summers. I've listened to a lot of music, wrote some, read some Eggers and some Eliot and some Akhmatova. It's good stuff. But I'm realizing how much I have really started to hone in my influences. I really want to get away from that. It's not like I'm trying to do that persay, but I'm realizing how myopic what I let influence me is. I listen to a lot of hip-hop but all from a fairly specific vein. I read a lot of stuff but it's all this sort of rambling all over the place prose. It's the kind of stuff that I like to write. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any intention of cutting out any of those things. I love me some Frank Ocean and reading Eggers really fries my bacon. That's not the point. Is it the point? No it's not the point.

I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.

I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Of T-shirts and Lennon and growing up... begrudgingly

I bought a t-shirt at Urban the other day. This is hardly exceptional. I half live in the Urban clearance section. Perfectly weathered indie/hipster t's for nine dollars? Yes please. It's nothing all that special, it's essential the lyrics to the Beatles "Revolution"... they're screened on and slightly weathered. This is neither here nor there, but what I've been thinking a lot about lately is Lennon's idea that revolution is often necessary and valuable but destruction doesn't have to be a part of that revolution.

I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.

This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.

So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Thoughts on Beats, Rhymes, and Life

So I went to see the new A Tribe Called Quest documentary in Hollywood this week. It was amazing; this candid, real, honest glimpse at an incredible hip hop group that really let their music do the talking. I could really go into how much I dug how balanced the piece was or how interesting the members of Tribe are but that's not what got stuck in my head after. There was a creativity to the group that was just insane.

There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!

There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.

The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Still Processing about starting to process.

The process of processing (that just sounds ridiculous... the act of processing? the business of processing? just processing?... nm) is such a unique thing. It's one of those things that is uniquely subjective and at the same time we can get so completely wrong. I'm a completely verbal processer. I just need to get everything out, to vomit forth the insanely jumbled mess that is wreaking havoc on my psyche and looking at the mess that's out there in front of me, selectively pick through the dregs to figure out what I'm actually holding on to. I'm the mental equivalent of 52 card pickup.

That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.

If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."

The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.

That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.

So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.

So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

3S1P: Memory knots

1) "Most of the Time" Bob Dylan
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke

It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.

Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."

How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

3 Song 1st Person: Bringing it Back

So, basically I'm trying to keep writing. Not so much for anyone else, but basically just to keep myself in the habit. After I come back from traveling there's usually about a one week lag before I completely forget about writing. I don't want to lose it. So in between more "serious" posts, I'm going to bring back 3S1P. It's a writing exercise I gave myself a little while back. Simple rules: I hit shuffle, listen to the first 3 songs that play, write on the 3rd. So here goes...

1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New

This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.

"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.

The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.

So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Adam is Annoying... and usually right

So on my last blog post, Adam wrote a comment that really annoyed me. Well it kind of annoyed me. More so it just bothered me because he had a really good point. Well, he, Emmet, and Q had really good points. This is irrelevant. I'm rambling. Maybe coffee was a bad idea this morning. Sorry.

Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.

Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.

I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Overthinking and overoverthinking

Time to process is a funny thing, because you usually end up processing but not the things you intended on processing which in turn opens up new doors to things you need to process. Spectacular.

I spent the last four days in the Dominican Republic checking out a potential ministry site for my school. It was a pretty amazing site and the staff is doing some pretty impressive stuff/work in the area of balancing long term impact with short term visitors/assistance. I'll probably blog more on that later. It was really cool to go around to their different ministry sites (sports/social work/medical/microfinance) but what consistently happened is I just kept stewing in the fact that I'm at the point where I bolt. This is what I mean: Ever since I was born I've never done anything for more than 5 years. Ever. I never lived anywhere for more than five years. I've never had a job for more than five years. I've never stayed in a church for more than five years. Last year was my fifth year at Santa Fe which inevitably starts to bring up this sort of restlessness that works around in my brain like a bad itch. I can't help it. Should I stay? Should I move? Is it even worth thinking over. It's not that I have any desire to leave Santa Fe persay, but the whole 5 year thing has this very real tendency to make me think and rethink and rerethink what I'm doing. Is this really what I want to be doing for decades? Am I having the impact I want to have?

I'd love to say that being in the DR gave me a renewed sense of solidity in where I am, but if anything it just kind of made the whole thing worse. Every missionary we talked to talked about being restless in their job/position. Everyone talked about having these moments when the wanted to move out into the world. The site director even looked me in the eye and said, when you're going to head out into missions God just might give you this "holy restlessness."

I'm not saying I'm going into full time missions. I'm not saying I'm leaving Santa Fe. I am saying that I feel extremely unsettled. Do the advantages of working in a school that provides for coaching/missions/leadership outweigh the disadvantages of an entitled and often extremely surface-y community? Do I have as much of an impact as I think/want to have? Am I even really that good of a coach or a teacher? What if I'm doing these things just because opportunities presented themselves and not necessarily because that's where ministry was going to happen? What if there's something that was more challenging that could really be impactful? Am I staying because it's safe? Am I thinking about leaving because it's safe? Why am I thinking so much?

Basically I'm leaving the DR with a ton of questions. And I haven't even started processing the Uganda trip yet.

Super.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

People Watching

I'm sitting in the Miami Airport, half checking email and half people watching. People watching might be one of my favorite things to do and it's really next level when you're in an airport. There's something about a cross section of all walks of life crammed into a small space and forced to deal with the stresses of getting somewhere that really makes the whole process interesting. And it's really funny how quickly you see groups start to form. You've got the frazzled parents with the difficult/fussy kids, the executive business men with their tailored suits, the glammed out first classers, the teens/twenty somethings in some form of pajamas, the school and missionary groups, the frat boys/sorority girls who are already partying in the aiport.

What's unsettling/weird about this whole experience is I never see "me" when I'm traveling alone. I never go. Oh, there you are, there's another nomadic/responsibility avoiding/somewhat established but still figuring out his life/wanting just to see the world and keep moving kid. I know these are all things that would be hard to identify when just watching people, but I feel like I never go... oh yeah, that's totally me.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with the phase of life I'm in. I really dig it, I honestly do, I just feel a little bit like a fish out of water sometimes. Like the place I'm in is just an uncommon place. When I think about this I don't feel sad or melancholy or aloof, I just feel ... distant. Like I'm standing outside of the entire thing looking in. I realize that there's not much about an airport that's all that different from the day to day of regular life, I'm just more aware of it.

All that to say I'm not saying that I want to find an inroad to one of those groups... get the high-paying job/the 2.5 kids/skew even younger than my age. I'm just wondering if I'm really in a place that is as unique as it feels or if people in that place are just hard to identify.

Wondering that's all.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Here we go

I realized something today as we were flying around London at breakneck speed. The team that I took to Uganda basically had 4 hours to spend time in London and instead of staying in one spot, we basically just went all over Central London. It felt really familiar, especially for a place that I really hadn't spent any time in for about 3 years and even then only for a day. I realized something that I've tried to "grow" out of for a very long time.

I'm better if I'm mobile. It's a fact. I've spent most of my life fighting my nomadic instinct, trying to comprehend the complexities of what makes me itch to travel. I process and process and overprocess what makes me what to settle. But there's no escaping it. As much as I want to fight it. I'm better adrift. I'm bold, I'm aware, I'm reckless, I'm more likely to be vulnerable. I'm also usually out of my mind freaked out about what's going on, but that's not a bad thing.

Sitting still usually means complacency for me, which usually means regression, or apathy. Whatever the case, I have this real tendency to end up sitting and doing nothing. I'll call it rest or much needed recovery, but most of the time I'm just loafing. And I fall into this really self focused kind of mood where I'm not really aware of what's going on around me. Unfortunately this is what defines the better part of my life. I work. I rest. I work. I rest. I repeat as necessary. In the meantime, I'm kind of useless.

But give me wheels or wings or tracks and it's a whole different scenario. I deal with junk. Meaningful junk. The kind of junk that helps you get places. I'm aware of what's going on around me. I'm considerably less moody... well, at least lately... still working on that one. I'm far more likely to take risks of faith, life, relationship. I get stuff done. And I get into this weird contented place where I'm on the move. This place where stuff that normally would bother me rolls off of the back a lot faster.

This is a lot of nonsensical rambling, but I'm really just trying to figure out what to do with the fact that I think I'm better nomadic and figuring out where to go with that. What does that look like if I try to apply it as a positive rather than run from it as a negative. Everybody tells you you have to settle down at somepoint. What does like look like if you don't actually think you're supposed to do that?

Friday, June 24, 2011

Reflections on Judges 6

Perspective is a funny thing. It can literally dominate the way that we live our lives if we allow it to and it's often only as accurate as our understanding is. I feel like I don't understand most deeper issues, so that's a little disconcerting. We've started each morning this week on the roof of the school. We watch the sun come up over Mukono, throw on some sunscreen, drink some coffee, and get ready for the day. While we were up there the other day, one of my students said she thought I should read Judges 6. So I did.

That kid read my mail.

Judges 6 is literally a chapter of God trying over and over to reform the identity that Gideon has for himself. God starts the chapter off by calling Gideon a mighty warrior. Gideon spends the rest of the chapter trying to prove him wrong. God tells Gideon to do something. Gideon carries it out at night so that no one sees him doing it. God tells Gideon to do something else and Gideon asks for confirmation, reconfirmation, re-reconfirmation. And still, this is the man that God considers a mighty warrior.

I've been realizing over the last few days that I spend a lot of time chasing who I think I am. And this is often defined by what I think I can't do, what I think my limitations are, what I think are my shortcomings. I try to frame myself in. I'm just being realistic right? I'm just trying to pursue what's possible or what's pragmatic. This kind of approach, though, keeps leaving me restless, feeling like there's something missing. I'm beginning to realize that as long I try to be what I think I can be, I'll never fully become what I was actually intended to be. Which would be a shame really, that could be pretty cool.

Reflections on Judges 6

Perspective is a funny thing. It can literally dominate the way that we live our lives if we allow it to and it's often only as accurate as our understanding is. I feel like I don't understand most deeper issues, so that's a little disconcerting. We've started each morning this week on the roof of the school. We watch the sun come up over Mukono, throw on some sunscreen, drink some coffee, and get ready for the day. While we were up there the other day, one of my students said she thought I should read Judges 6. So I did.

That kid read my mail.

Judges 6 is literally a chapter of God trying over and over to reform the identity that Gideon has for himself. God starts the chapter off by calling Gideon a mighty warrior. Gideon spends the rest of the chapter trying to prove him wrong. God tells Gideon to do something. Gideon carries it out at night so that no one sees him doing it. God tells Gideon to do something else and Gideon asks for confirmation, reconfirmation, re-reconfirmation. And still, this is the man that God considers a mighty warrior.

I've been realizing over the last few days that I spend a lot of time chasing who I think I am. And this is often defined by what I think I can't do, what I think my limitations are, what I think are my shortcomings. I try to frame myself in. I'm just being realistic right? I'm just trying to pursue what's possible or what's pragmatic. This kind of approach, though, keeps leaving me restless, feeling like there's something missing. I'm beginning to realize that as long I try to be what I think I can be, I'll never fully become what I was actually intended to be. Which would be a shame really, that could be pretty cool.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Halfway Point

There's something about morning in Uganda. The air is cool The cooking and rubbish fires haven't started yet. The busy traffic of the day is still for the time and the birds are busy in the early calm. It's incredible. I've been coming here every summer for five years and I always almost miss it. I almost pass over the peace of that early morning in focusing on the busyness of the day. Reading Ezekiel 37 in that early calm I was absolutely hammered by an idea.

I am ridiculously arrogant.

I've got this insanely self-centered idea that my sin is somehow past the point of God's redemption. I convince myself that I've done it, I've messed up too much, cut myself off, and felt that I'm beyond the point of saving. What's ridiculous I'm doing this in the same breath as I'm saying or stating or professing that I believe in a God that restores nations, that raises the dead, that breathes life onto dry bones. To say that I think that I'm done is to say that God's love can't handle my sin, which minimizes that love and is really arrogant... and probably a little blasphemous.

I was looking back at my journal from last year and realized that there's a common theme in every trip I take here. I leave with a desire to live my life unhindered; to run towards God with everything I have, arms flung wide. I'm not saying that I want to go all Mother Theresa or anything (well who knows) but I want to live with an authenticity that seeks to take every step in the identity that I've been given by God and not by myself. I just want to live in a manner that's true to the grace and love I've received and not selectively receptive to it.

I really wish it didn't take a trip to Uganda to remind me of these things. I really wish that I could hold onto it for more than a year. But hey... I'll take what I'm given.

Friday, June 10, 2011

What I Want

I went down to Ocean Beach last night with Ape because I wanted to introduce him to the California Burrito at Ortiz's (if you haven't had it... sweet moses that carne asada is tender). Walking around below the pier in Ocean Beach where a lot of the homeless folks hang out it reminded me of how comfortable I used to be there and how insulated I've become living in North County. I was thinking about this as I get ready to leave on Monday for Uganda. It's easy to ignore a problem, to not be impacted or affected by it, as long as we are able to compartmentalize it.

If I don't see it it's not really there.

That's a horrible thing to admit, but it's ridiculously true. Every time I go to Uganda I'm floored by the level of need, the need for assistance, the opportunities for impact and ministry. Every time I get back I move on within 5-6 weeks. I really wish that wasn't the case, but it's true.

What I want more than anything is to consistently and intentionally be aware of those in need. In need emotionally, financially, spiritually. I want to press into those uncomfortable places where people are real and raw and I can't isolate myself by living in a bubble. I'm well aware that I can't do everything, but I don't want to live large parts of my life ignoring the things around me that I can impact. Whether I ignore them out of fear, or discouragement, or being uncomfortable, I don't want to just move on from moment to moment, or experience to experience. Because the longer the time gets between these moments, the harder it is to engage with people who really need help and encouragement and God. I don't want to become incompetent at being there for people because it happens so little often. I don't want to become so desensitized that need seems like a freak occurrence that I just need to press through.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Does it matter if it isn't real?

So, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about facebook (which I have a low grade addiction to, but I digress) and we were talking about how hard it is, in the age of social networks, to avoid creating multiple identities for ourselves. Facebook, like so many other forms of digital culture, can help us to create our perfect personality, our perfect identity. We can craft and craft and craft until we lose the flaws that help to so define who we are.

I was thinking about this the other night when I was playing LPs for Ape, trying to explain why I loved vinyl. I played him some Otis Redding, Beatles, Black Keys, and Death Cab. I try to get him to appreciate the crackle, the pop, the way that reverb makes a sound feel like it's actually echoing from a smoky hall or club somewhere.

I'm realizing that my love of the LP has nothing to do with the sound.

There's something about physical media that is so much more genuine than anything that we've created in the digital age. It's the fact that it's so much harder to hide the different parts of your personality with physical music, books, pictures than it is with digital ones. With music alone I can download thousands of tracks in minutes and delete anything that I don't like or I don't think reflects well on who I am. Physical media is harder.

I remember going to the music store down the road from my apartment in Rhode Island and searching through the racks for the album I wanted. This was a commitment, one that would linger, one that would add to my musical identity. People who looked through my CDs would see it and gain a glimpse into my tastes and interests. And I had some albums that I would rather not admit I had. DC Talk's Free at Last (badly executed Christian rap... oh baby!), The Greatest Hits of Huey Lewis and the News, The Beach Boys Christmas album. But you don't just throw out a CD. If you hate it enough, you'd trade it, give it away, try to find a used music store where you could sell it back. And if you kept it, it said something about you. No matter how much you claimed the opposite, no matter how much you tried to deny it, you just might enjoy Poison, you just might get down to Boys II Men. And so a music collection became a very real thing, because it represented strengths, flaws, incredible finds, and massive failures. Now it's so easy when someone finds an embarrassing group in your music collection to say "I downloaded it off of my sister's iPod" or "I just downloaded a bunch of stuff from this one site" and you've completely separated yourself from any connection to your music.

That's why I love vinyl. I love the smell and the weight of a record. I love the process (and I do mean process) of putting it on the turntable. I love the atmosphere it creates. I also love that my collection is completely random and spastic, kind of like me. I may have Vampire Weekend, Death Cab, the Beatles, and Sam Cooke... but I also have the Star Wars soundtrack (thanks Casey!), Neil Diamond, Art Garfunkel. And I'm ok with that tension because it's incredibly genuine. And I'd rather have that than a completely "perfect" digital collection that hides the more embarrassing aspects of my musical tastes.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Ants

There's about a week before I leave for Uganda... and I don't really handle spaces like this well. There's something about dead space that gives me restless leg syndrome like nobody's business. I want to move, want to travel, want to create something, want to discover stuff. I don't enter into rest particularly well. It's always been this way. Give me a break longer than a couple days and I'm itching to go, to do something. My mind runs wild, I start planning out adventures, I'll sporadically play my guitar, try to teach myself a new instrument.

I have a really hard time just chilling.

There's been the restless, nomadic undercurrent that I've been living out for most of my life. Probably because we moved so much as a kid. When you change schools 8 times as a kid, it kind of drills that into you. So I have a tendency to pursue the next a lot. It's not so much that I'm bailing on things. More that I'm just focused on the next adventure. This can be problematic because there have been times when I've bailed on communities or groups that really are good for me/really care about me. Thankfully there are a handful of folks that haven't bailed no matter how hard I've tried (Emmet, the Whitsetts, the Lyons, Bear, the Salladins, etc.)... but it's something that I'm trying really hard to productively work against... because I'm running myself ragged.

Rest can be intimidating, because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability that we never really acknowledge. We have to trust that things left alone for a day, or week, or month will be okay without us. We have to be okay with others really investing, really learning about who we are because we sit still long enough to have the deeper conversations. We have to be okay with realizing that we can't do everything and that true rest, real meaningful rest means getting rid of the things in our life that we can't balance without obscenely loaded schedules. These can be overwhelming things, especially in a culture that defines so much by success, by what we accomplish.

I was talking to a group of folks last night, relaxing, telling random stories, just chilling. And we started planning out a missions trip, getting excited about what we could accomplish with a small dedicated team, getting focused on what we could do if we really set out minds on it. And in the midst of that I almost lost that it was really good and live giving just to relax, to talk, to set aside plan for even a couple hours. It was really recharging just to be real even for a short time. I almost lost that when the conversation turned towards what we could "do." It really would have been a shame if I had.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Ninja Time

Man I hate group dynamics. Perhaps this is too severe. I really dislike group dynamics. Not strong enough. I loathe group dynamics.

There.

There's something about spending time in any group that swells past 4 or 5 people that just makes me lose my bacon. This is something of an odd thing considering I'm pretty much the poster boy for the ENFP crowd (Myers-Briggs... google it if you're curious). But I really have a hard time in situations like these. I think it's something about the fact that once you get to a group this size one of two things are happening. You're either superficially connecting with everyone in the room or engaging with a few select people and then blowing the rest of the room off.

I don't really know how either of those options are supposed to sound like a good idea. I've spent way too much of my life investing in superficial relationships and I don't know if I have much time for it anymore. Now, some might counter this and say "it's a party dude, lighten up, have a good time." But that's just it... I feel like more and more often we (church friends? non church friends? me? where I work?) try to construct social situations where we don't really have to be vulnerable, or real, or authentic, and everything can be about a mile wide and two inches deep. Which is a super way to go through life without having to really know anybody (apologies Good Will Hunting).

I'm just to the point where I'd rather spend 2 hours really connecting with a handful of friends that hours skimming over the surface of a community. This is why I ninja out. The whole goodbye thing in a group setting that large seems superficial. "Goodbye friend, we didn't really talk all night, but it was great to see you." Really? Seriously? So I just bail. Because when I feel like a goodbye is significant, I'll give one. Of course this policy has led me to some epically bad attempted subtle exits from parties... but such is life.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Danger and Excellence

So I went to see X Men First Class night and it really was excellent. Not just as a big budget summer picture or a superhero flick, but genuinely a good movie. It's pretty incredibly realize and breaks down that struggle for validation, acceptance, purpose in some pretty incredibly meaningful way. There are so many great moments throughout the film (Fassbender in Argentina?!... intensity!) but there was one sort of throw away moment that hit me like a sock full of nickels. One of the character says to another character (paraphrase) "you'll never reach your full potential if you're spending half your energy on hiding who you are." I really wish that statement didn't apply to me as much as it does.

Man I'm a chameleon.

I'm doing way better at this, but the better part of my post high school years has been spent on trying to be the person that will be most accepted by those around me. Truth is it takes a lot of energy and there's a certain fear that's carried that eventually you'll be found out for who you are. But still I find myself trying to play the hipster, the jock, the spiritualist, the responsible adult, the wisecrack. Now these are all parts of who I am, but none of them fully encapsulate who I am.

This past year was the year of saying no for me. I made a decision that I would intentionally say no to anything that I didn't want to do/didn't feel let to do. This was kind of a big step. What was interesting about this process was that what remained after the dust settled really said a lot about who I am. And I really like that person. That awkward, dysfunctional, emotive, overly sensitive, goofy, spastic, creative, weird person. But just being okay with that person isn't enough. The point I'm at is actually learning to enjoy being that person actively. To not wish that parts were different, that I finally settled down, that my career or education were at a different point, that my group of friends would look or act a certain way, that my ministry would have a particular identity. The step now for me is to really own the life I've been given and to really enjoy being myself in it. It's a crazy thing to realize you don't have to change for anyone or prove yourself to anyone. It's a bit crazier to actually live that way.

I was talking to my little brother the other day and we were joking that the theme of the summer was danger and excellence. It was a joke and I was basically just riffing on Year One which was a horrible movie, but had some funny lines. But it's pretty true that I really want to stop caring what people think and using all the gifts I've been given to their utmost potential (excellence) and I want to be bold enough to live in a way that says that the outcome is not as important as being genuine (danger). I think it's going to be pretty epic.

I know this has been something of a recurring theme in my life, but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I'm learning to really enjoy where I'm at and who I am. To really appreciate the relationships, the opportunities, the adventures I've been given. I'm pretty amped for that.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Targets and other Misconceptions

I've chased a lot of stuff in my life. Some of it was stuff I'm glad I chased (education), some of it I figured out I didn't actually want (the navy), a lot of it was of the female persuasion. But a lot of my life has been shaped by a need to identify and chase goals. I want that job, I want that relationship, I want to be good at this or that. What's interesting about this process is that I rarely take the time to check and see if these pursuits are actually worth pursuing in the first place. It's usually about as simple as "that looks cool, let's try that" and suddenly develops a somewhat obsessive pursuit to make it happen.

Over the course of the last 10 years or so, I realized that the target was slowly becoming the chase itself. I was becoming less and less interested in the outcome, less and less concerned with enjoying the accomplishment, and more and more fixated on being successful in tracking something down, in proving that I could achieve the objective. I honestly think that's a large part of the reason that I've been pretty nomadic over the course of my post college years. It's not that I was running from anything, more that I wanted more stuff to run after.

That's really been changing over the last few years. I've felt really challenged to press into sustained investment. I used to think that the phrase "grow where you're planted" was a sort of challenge to prove that you could bloom anywhere. But growth is a process of seasons and years, not of a single flowering moment. I've looked at that phrase as a challenge, lately I feel like it's been an encouragement to continue to invest in the places I am, not where I might be.

My accomplishment focused brain doesn't take to this particularly well. Long term investment, like anything that you do for a period of time, goes through highs and lows, exciting and dull points. I don't handle the stagnancy well. But there's growing to be done there too. Valuable growth that I take for granted. The kind that brings out patience, faith, trust. Stuff I definitely need more of and need to appreciate developing. Basically I need to be ok with seasons where the target isn't immediately obvious and to realize that sometimes that's the point.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Graduation

It's the last week of classes at the school I teach at and all of the customary pomp and circumstance is in full swing. Prom, baccalaureate, senior business week, senior trip, graduation. The class graduating this year is the first class I ever taught so I've been involved in the process a bit more than usual. It's pretty incredible to experience all of this from the other side. It's incredible to realize how little any of us knew or how little any of us know now.

We (americans? christians? people?) have this tendency to build milestone moments into our lives as sort of declarations that it's time to make important transitions. "You're 18, now you're an adult!" "You've graduated, time to talk school seriously/get a job!" and I've watched so many of the kids this week carry this look or demeanor that they've arrived, that they feel they finally have inherently made it. But why? Why do we create that expectation. Why do we place this burden of expectation on everything.

I remember thinking after I graduated from high school that it was time to be serious (that didn't last long). I remember after graduating from college thinking it was time to get married, since that's what everyone in my family had done before me (why? I didn't particularly want or feel ready to be married). I remember thinking after I got out of the Navy that I had to jump instantly into a new career (took a couple tries).

So much of this expectation is self imposed. We see movies that portray life in a certain way, read books that describe how it should be done, listen to songs that describe certain things as constants and then we desperately try to get everything to fall in line with these supposedly universal timelines.

This is all really stupid.

We put all this pressure on people to figure everything out, but maybe part of their individual development is actually just appreciating time spent in a place of uncertainty.

Now I'm not necessarily advocating the whole live with your parents at 28 without a job thing. I think you can make money while you're doing this. But why are people so obsessed with the whole cookie cutter thing.

The greatest thing I think that I've ever seen anyone figure out is that there is real freedom in completely following your own unique path. In doing things in a way that completely throws out the standard script and runs with something different. My friend Emmet has a business degree, a masters from Fuller, was a house painter forever, and is a missionary now. That's such a different timeline than anyone else I've known has been on, but it so completely reflects who he is and how God's worked with him. I think it would be hilarious if Emmet wrote a book on the life he's lived from the perspective that everyone should do it the exact same way. First, because I'd love to see people try. Second, because I can't see it work for anyone else. Third, because the tangent stories are hilarious. We can't live lives for others, much less tell them exactly how to make it work... so why do we keep acting like we can?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Digital Disconnect

So I bailed on the iPhone. My phone was starting to glitch and faced with the prospect of having to fork over another 300 dollars to replace the thing, I started evaluating whether or not it was actually worth it. After a lot of thought/prayer/etc. I finally decided to bail on it. It's crazy how happy I've been with the decision.

I'm startled by how much time I spent on the thing.

I had a sense before, sure, mostly because my friends would give me crap about it. But not having it anymore, I'm keenly aware of how often I reach for it as a sort of security blanket, a digital fix to provide a virtual escape when my actual surroundings become intimidating. I have this real tendency to retreat when things become uncomfortable (hence the reason I ninja out of parties as opposed to actually saying goodbye to people) and the iPhone provided a ready retreat. As a result, I found there were a lot of times were I felt like I had no idea how to engage with people. I was so comfortable avoiding that when it wasn't an option, I wasn't totally sure what to do.

I think in a lot of ways I find these comfort touch points in my life. Places that I can run to if I don't want to be stretched/uncomfortable/etc. But I feel like that's a slow death that leads into an exceptionally boring life. I don't want that. I'd rather be challenged and out of my mind frustrated and growing than comfortable all the time and slowly becoming an entrenched personality with no room for growth.

Basically I'm trying to shrug off all of the things that bring out the especially ADD aspects of my personality. It's been good so far, but I feel like it's going to take some intentional work to really step back out into community, conversation, etc.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Comfortably Alone

About halfway through the UK trip, towards the end of our stay in Edinburgh, I found myself restless like nobody's business. It was the kind of feeling that you get when you're a kid and you just feel like running. Simply running, in any direction, as fast as you can. My dad was crashing, but the city was still awake, so I grabbed my jacket, my ipod, threw on my shoes, and headed out the door.

There's something about walks alone in unfamiliar places. There's so much to process. Everything is new. Everything looks different, ominous, and alive at night. I literally just set out. I didn't have a particular destination in mind or any particular reason for walking. I just wanted to get out in the open and cruise... see where the city led me as I got sucked into the current of the late evening.

It's hard to describe what I felt that night, pretty much the only night that I set out on my own and explored. It was something like the feeling you get when you're doing something you love and you're just kind of flowing in it. That feeling that you're integrated into something you were made or meant to do. What's so incredible about that is the fact that a couple years ago that moment would have been dominated by frustration with being alone. I don't feel that way any more. I kind of love it. Don't get me wrong, I love being around people still, but there's something so satisfied about being unhindered and active, setting out on a path that you will walk on alone.

I think in a lot of ways, this also points to a larger issue that God's working out in my life that was continued with the Beatles tour (see earlier post). I think there's an inherent fear that arrives when we're alone (i.e. is this permanent, can I hack it, would others approve) that erodes our confidence and holds us back from the adventure we could experience if only we had the guts to take it on.

I'm ready for more of those "here we go" moments. Those first steps that you have to take alone where you literally have no idea where you'll be led and who you'll meet along the way. Whether that's more work in Africa, or Thailand, or coaching, or even something completely different, I'm down to be boldly uncertain.

You say you want a revolution...

So, this just might be the start of an incessant stream of blog posts. Apologies to start: if you aren't in for my stream of consciousness ramblings, there's no offense taken. Feel free to surf your way on and I'll be happy as a clam. I realized the other day when my friend Audrey commented on fb that I hadn't written a single blog post over the last month. This, in reflection, seems odd since I started this blog to have a place to reflect on the things that I learned while traveling and I've been traveling for the past month. Why the silence? Well, to be honest, I haven't really been ready to verbalize any of it up to this point. But over the course of the past week I've realized that there's a lot that's really solidified for me, so here we go. There will probably be a lot of these. Consistent readers, thanks for your patience (hi mom).

Over the past month I've been a bit of all over the place. I went to York, Edinburgh, Liverpool, and London with my dad and Bangkok and Udon Thani with a group from my school. It's all kind of been a blur, this long mashup of different experiences, but it's one of the best travel spells I've been on in a long time. One of those good for the soul experiences that stands out. When we were in Liverpool (my dad and I) we found ourselves gravitating towards a lot of the Beatles themed experiences. The Beatles are one of those bands we've always bonded over. Abeey Road is one of my dad's favorite albums and my first introduction to rock 'n' roll. What was interesting is how much the experience changed my perception of the band.

You see, I've always been more of Paul fan than anything else. I thought he had a musicality that was unrivaled, I really dug his lyrics, felt like he was the glue that held the band together. I couldn't be farther from that opinion now.

John's my favorite, no question.

Moving through the beatles museums and galleries and experiences I realized that Paul literally spent his entire life trying to please everyone, making art that would appeal to everyone. He was the accessible one, the one who wrote music that warmed your soul but never really challenged you. John was the polar opposite: the rebel who refused to be edited, to change who he was for critical reception. This manifested itself in so many ways across the span of his life. Early on he was the snarky jokester using sarcasm to communicate his opinions. Later he was the defiant protester, questioning the status quo and confidently speaking his mind. And the more I saw John being true to who he was, the more disillusioned I became with Paul.

I'm way too much like Paul.

The single thought that resonated with me over and over again in Liverpool was that nobody likes you if you rock the boat, but it's hard to look at yourself in the mirror if you don't. You see, for whatever reason, God made me the person that I am and I don't think it was to placate people. I'm way to afraid of tension/friction... always trying to consider every member of the community and the problem with that is I'll never truly have the impact I could if I'm constantly trying to filter myself down into a version that doesn't offend anyone. I need to be me, people will be offended, that's ok.

I disagree with a lot of what Lennon said, but man I respect the fact that he never filtered himself, never shyed away from speaking out against what he didn't approve of. I'm at a point where that's what I want. I'd rather speak my mind and be accepted and rejected for what I really believe than try to placate everyone I meet. I'm tired of being digestible, safe, widely accepted. There needs to be tension otherwise nothing in this world will ever change and if nothing ever changes what's the point of being here in the first place.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Joy of Involvement

So I read this quote on a friend's twitter feed yesterday:

"I never trust anyone who's more excited about success than about doing the thing that they want to be successful at." -- xkcd

Holy crap that floored me. That's me in a nutshell and not at all in a good way. Three decades in and I'm still far, far too focused on being a success in everything that I attempt to do. I was having a conversation with one of the other coaches I work with a couple of months back and he asked me if I loved to win or hated to lose. Without blinking I said "I hate to lose." Because I do. I'm terrified of being viewed as a failure. But that view of failure is built on a lie that has buried itself deep into my psyche and I'm only starting to grasp hold of and get rid of.

You see, I've become certain that "winning" for me will never be found in victory, or acclaim, or professional success. Instead, I'm feeling increasingly called into faithful investment that finds relentless joy in being a part of the greater story that I'm being drawn into (so much about story lately!). What's incredible is not so much looking at events and labeling them as successful, but instead looking at eras or timeframes and seeing dynamic patterns for growth and change. There's something so compelling in seeing that continued drive and the love that it reveals: a love from a God that continues to draw us out despite our own "failings" and weaknesses.

I'm also reassessing the things I'm involved in and trying to intentionally look for the joy that can be found in being part, in knowing that I'm blessed enough to be involved in things that I love to do. It's crazy to think that I've had so many opportunities to be involved in ministry that has been life giving and meaningful over the last year and I really don't want to lose sight of that. It'd be a shame if I did.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Processing

I was talking to my friend Jon after chapel this week and we were talking about Peter (the subject of chapel that week) and how it's incredible to actually list out the major events of his life, because he's a lot more flawed than we have a tendency to even realize. I mean, sure, he's the first apostle to understand that Jesus is the Messiah, he's really the rock and catalyst of the church's young growth, he shows an eagerness to completely leave everything behind ... but he's also the apostle that Jesus referred to as "Satan", he cut off a dude's ear, he denied Jesus three times, he isolated himself ethnically and got called out on it by Paul. He was deeply flawed all the way through his life. Looking at that, Jon said that he is really quick to forget that God is so much more about process than product, that he looks at the scope of our lives more than the individual successes or failures.

I'm so about product.

I've got this fiercely competitive side, which has always served me really well in sports as a player, but always leads me to this attitude where I am evaluating whether I'm winning or losing at that moment (no connections to Sheen intended). The problem with this is those fleeting moments are only part of the greater story of my life that God is calling me into. The story that's being woven into the even larger story of those I've been called to be in community with, and even the world that expands so far outside of that. So individual successes our failures while uniquely exciting and frustrating in the moment really have jack squat to do with the bigger picture.

I'm learning to surrender the product to the process, but this is not an easy thing. I was sitting down with a friend of mine and discussing the last season of soccer that I had just finished coaching. We had just lost a tough game and I was really focused on that game as a gauge for how the season had gone. In response to this, my friend stopped me and made me break down my top 5 moments for the season. What was so cool about that was the fact that none of the moments that came to mind were about winning a game, instead they were moments that reflected greater progress, growth, or success in the lives of my players. It really made me realize how easy it is to lose the plot in light of momentary failure and forget about what's truly important.

So I'm still pressing into this one. I don't want to lose sight of appreciating the small victories of the day to day or continuing to seek for fresh victory in areas where I'm falling short/failing, but I want to be more aware of the bigger picture, the larger story.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Finding myself to lose myself.

I'm leaving for the UK in a little over two weeks with my dad. It's been so long since I've traveled just for kicks, which is intriguing in itself because I have a real tendency to associate mission or soul searching or growth with travelling. I go on these intentional trips of soul searching and discovery, but this time I'm just bumming around England and Scotland with my pops. I couldn't be more excited.

I'm fully aware that one of the central aspects of my personality is intensity. I have a tendency to have to assign deep meaning, purpose, narrative to everything. Which on one hand makes for some really interesting and deep experiences in life and on the other hand can get you lost in this cycle where you forget how to lighten up. I feel like there's something so necessary about that: to live life at times just for the sake of living it, to enjoy moments just because they've been given to you, to appreciate rest just because it's restful. It's like that line in "Waiting for the 7.18" by Bloc Party... "give me moments/not hours or days." Sometimes I forget to just chill out and appreciate the blessing of the completely meaningless but fulfilling little stuff that I'm blessed with on a daily basis. I want to write because it's fun, take pictures of things that catch my eye just because they look cool, have conversations about stupid stuff with my dad (like why Lucas ruined the Star Wars trilogy or why Monty Python is amazing), make random guesses about what the next 10 years is going to look like. I just want to rest and live and enjoy myself for a bit. It feels like such a gift to have that experience coming down the pike.

So, at the end of the day, I'm excited to have an opportunity to not think about where I'm at, to not try to find some greater message or metaphor, to not be so concerned with finding deeper purpose. I'm excited just to hang out and see what God does with that. It could be pretty epic.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Layovers

I've got this t-shirt that says "the only constant is change, there's only growth or decay." I bought it because I resonated with that phrase. I kind of hate it now. Not in a "that phrase is so far off" sort of way but more in a "man I wish that phrase was more off" sort of way. The thing is that decay is comfortable. It's easy. You can even decay in such a gradual manner that it looks an awful lot like keepin' on keepin' on. But I've had this steady itch in the back of my mind that's pushed me towards growth this year and it's been amazing and really taxing all at the same time.

I think the reason that it's been taxing is I want to be able to say that I did it, that I made it. I've been struggling lately with this desire to feel like I've arrived, that I've come to a place where I can essentially say that I've become the man that I'm supposed to be, that I'm "all growns up" (for lack of a better term). God's having none of that. This year has been one long stretch fest. I feel like Bilbo in the Hobbit when he says that he feels like butter spread over too much bread. It's been a year of being constantly reminded that there's stuff to grow in, be stretched in, be transparent in. And that stuff isn't going to just get fixed. In fact, they're part of the larger processes that will most likely define my life for the rest of the time that I've given.

In the past I've had this tendency to come to moments of calm, moments where I'm not being pushed, tested, challenged, etc. and thought "yeah, I did it... I made it" (respect to Kevin Rudolf). But I'm realizing, more and more, that these are just the layovers. The exchanges from growth to growth, the moments where God, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, allows us a break, a rest, before he says "come on now, you can do it, it's time to press in again." There's something exciting in that, a stirring momentum that reminds you that this is all a steady push towards heaven, towards experiencing the glory we were always intended for. I think I'm way farther from having arrived than I've ever thought, but I think that's ok.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Simplicity or Complexity or Both

So, I was reading Romans this morning and I was really good, but I always forget how all over the place Paul was. I mean, really seriously all over the place. It's just such a crazy complex book. And I think the shame is that we (we? the church? western communities?) have a tendency to really shy away from that type of complexity. Faith is about: love, justice, compassion, community, service... take your pick really. We try to boil everything down into this very digestible form. This idea that people will run screaming from anything too challenging or to complicated. That being said I feel like we really have a tendency to lose out when we do that. Christianity is hard, it's challenging, it's complex, there's all this room for interpretation and application. But instead of trying to press into that, we separate ourselves denominationally and ethnically and generationally and, well, yeah we separate ourselves. And in the process we're losing something. We have this close minded view of the rightness of our particular take. Limited as it might be. There has to be a way out of that. If not we're doomed to become increasingly more simple to the point where faith is a shadow of what it could be.

I'm thinking of the relationship I have with my dad. It's gone through some interesting shifts over the past ten years as he's really opened up about where he's at in life: fears, anxieties, vision, passion. Suddenly my dad isn't just the authority figure or the mentor, but this complex, layered person. And I really feel like our relationship has really benefitted from that. There's something that's so much more real about that. I don't know of a person who's all that easy to peg, so why would we view something as deep and challenging as faith as something that's supposed to be simple.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Forward Motion

I'm in the midst of realizing that I've spent far too much time in my life looking over my shoulder, looking to the sides. In my life and in my faith I've been far more concerned with the things that I've been trying not to do than the place that I'm trying to go, the person I'm trying to be, the life that I'm trying to live... most importantly the God I'm trying to follow.

I have no idea why I've been doing this for so long.

I can't think of a single endeavor that succeeds (to it's utmost potential) from mistake avoidance. Whether it's sports, relationships, education, whatever... if you're constantly trying not to mess up you'll never achieve the full potential you've been given. And I've been doing this in almost everything that I'm focused on right now. I've focused on avoiding failure above achieving some greater level of success. I know that this is all kind of "Life 101" but I'm just realizing the extent to which I do it. I want my faith to be about moving towards something, about moving towards God, a deeper relationship, as opposed to focusing on trying not to fail. I know I have a long, long way to go, but I'd rather be constantly moving forward, no matter how slow, rather than constantly trying not to let everyone down, trying not to do things that I think reflect badly on what I believe.