I've become way more aware of the fact that I try way too hard to establish myself. I don't know where this trend came from but I fall into it super easily. It's this whole subconscious attempt to let people know who I am. I AM IMPORTANT! I am intelligent! I am strong! Why? It's this endless game of trying to passively gain other respect. It's an overflow of the type of insecurity that strikes and makes you concerned that other people don't give you enough credit that other people don't value your worth enough.
I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thoughts on Tree of Life
So I saw Tree of Life yesterday. And it was alarming and tense and inscrutable and random and kind of a mess at times.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Overexposure and Excess of Influence. Geez this title is pretentious...
So I've never really been big on illegally downloading music. Sure I've done it, but it never really sat right with me. Especially having known struggling musicians who were just trying to get by, I know how important it is towards the livelihood of a band to gain some traction with sales. So, most of the time, if I like a band I buy their stuff. But there's something interesting that's been happening over the last year or so that is really changing the landscape of how this all works. People really aren't charging for music quite as much as they used to.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Friday, July 22, 2011
1, 2, 3... hold on 3 and then go or go on 3?
Fear can be a funny thing. It can lock us up to the point that we avoid the things in our life that might be the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most amazing. We lock ourselves into these places we call responsibility, stability, sensibility in a sort of comfortable rationalization that keeps us from ever discovering the epic that might be out there if only we had the gumption to take it.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Life as a house... crappy movie/great point
So I was watching "Life as a House" the other night. Man that's a bad movie. It's cheesy in all the wrong ways. Hayden Christensen (sp?) can't act to save his life. It's melodramatic. It's ridiculous. It also makes a really amazing point.
We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.
I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.
The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.
I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.
We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.
I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.
The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.
I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
We see what we let ourselves see.
It's been a strangely cultural summer. I'm not trying to sound pretentious when I say that. It's not like I'm sitting in the Getty sipping pellegrino and listening to Chopin or anything. I just mean I've been able to invest in the side projects that I enjoy so much more than other summers. I've listened to a lot of music, wrote some, read some Eggers and some Eliot and some Akhmatova. It's good stuff. But I'm realizing how much I have really started to hone in my influences. I really want to get away from that. It's not like I'm trying to do that persay, but I'm realizing how myopic what I let influence me is. I listen to a lot of hip-hop but all from a fairly specific vein. I read a lot of stuff but it's all this sort of rambling all over the place prose. It's the kind of stuff that I like to write. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any intention of cutting out any of those things. I love me some Frank Ocean and reading Eggers really fries my bacon. That's not the point. Is it the point? No it's not the point.
I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.
I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.
I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.
I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Of T-shirts and Lennon and growing up... begrudgingly
I bought a t-shirt at Urban the other day. This is hardly exceptional. I half live in the Urban clearance section. Perfectly weathered indie/hipster t's for nine dollars? Yes please. It's nothing all that special, it's essential the lyrics to the Beatles "Revolution"... they're screened on and slightly weathered. This is neither here nor there, but what I've been thinking a lot about lately is Lennon's idea that revolution is often necessary and valuable but destruction doesn't have to be a part of that revolution.
I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.
This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.
So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.
I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.
This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.
So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thoughts on Beats, Rhymes, and Life
So I went to see the new A Tribe Called Quest documentary in Hollywood this week. It was amazing; this candid, real, honest glimpse at an incredible hip hop group that really let their music do the talking. I could really go into how much I dug how balanced the piece was or how interesting the members of Tribe are but that's not what got stuck in my head after. There was a creativity to the group that was just insane.
There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!
There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.
The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.
There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!
There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.
The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Still Processing about starting to process.
The process of processing (that just sounds ridiculous... the act of processing? the business of processing? just processing?... nm) is such a unique thing. It's one of those things that is uniquely subjective and at the same time we can get so completely wrong. I'm a completely verbal processer. I just need to get everything out, to vomit forth the insanely jumbled mess that is wreaking havoc on my psyche and looking at the mess that's out there in front of me, selectively pick through the dregs to figure out what I'm actually holding on to. I'm the mental equivalent of 52 card pickup.
That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.
If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."
The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.
That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.
So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.
So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.
That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.
If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."
The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.
That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.
So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.
So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
3S1P: Memory knots
1) "Most of the Time" Bob Dylan
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke
It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.
Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."
How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke
It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.
Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."
How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
3 Song 1st Person: Bringing it Back
So, basically I'm trying to keep writing. Not so much for anyone else, but basically just to keep myself in the habit. After I come back from traveling there's usually about a one week lag before I completely forget about writing. I don't want to lose it. So in between more "serious" posts, I'm going to bring back 3S1P. It's a writing exercise I gave myself a little while back. Simple rules: I hit shuffle, listen to the first 3 songs that play, write on the 3rd. So here goes...
1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New
This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.
"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.
The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.
So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.
1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New
This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.
"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.
The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.
So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Adam is Annoying... and usually right
So on my last blog post, Adam wrote a comment that really annoyed me. Well it kind of annoyed me. More so it just bothered me because he had a really good point. Well, he, Emmet, and Q had really good points. This is irrelevant. I'm rambling. Maybe coffee was a bad idea this morning. Sorry.
Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.
Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.
I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.
Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.
Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.
I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Overthinking and overoverthinking
Time to process is a funny thing, because you usually end up processing but not the things you intended on processing which in turn opens up new doors to things you need to process. Spectacular.
I spent the last four days in the Dominican Republic checking out a potential ministry site for my school. It was a pretty amazing site and the staff is doing some pretty impressive stuff/work in the area of balancing long term impact with short term visitors/assistance. I'll probably blog more on that later. It was really cool to go around to their different ministry sites (sports/social work/medical/microfinance) but what consistently happened is I just kept stewing in the fact that I'm at the point where I bolt. This is what I mean: Ever since I was born I've never done anything for more than 5 years. Ever. I never lived anywhere for more than five years. I've never had a job for more than five years. I've never stayed in a church for more than five years. Last year was my fifth year at Santa Fe which inevitably starts to bring up this sort of restlessness that works around in my brain like a bad itch. I can't help it. Should I stay? Should I move? Is it even worth thinking over. It's not that I have any desire to leave Santa Fe persay, but the whole 5 year thing has this very real tendency to make me think and rethink and rerethink what I'm doing. Is this really what I want to be doing for decades? Am I having the impact I want to have?
I'd love to say that being in the DR gave me a renewed sense of solidity in where I am, but if anything it just kind of made the whole thing worse. Every missionary we talked to talked about being restless in their job/position. Everyone talked about having these moments when the wanted to move out into the world. The site director even looked me in the eye and said, when you're going to head out into missions God just might give you this "holy restlessness."
I'm not saying I'm going into full time missions. I'm not saying I'm leaving Santa Fe. I am saying that I feel extremely unsettled. Do the advantages of working in a school that provides for coaching/missions/leadership outweigh the disadvantages of an entitled and often extremely surface-y community? Do I have as much of an impact as I think/want to have? Am I even really that good of a coach or a teacher? What if I'm doing these things just because opportunities presented themselves and not necessarily because that's where ministry was going to happen? What if there's something that was more challenging that could really be impactful? Am I staying because it's safe? Am I thinking about leaving because it's safe? Why am I thinking so much?
Basically I'm leaving the DR with a ton of questions. And I haven't even started processing the Uganda trip yet.
Super.
I spent the last four days in the Dominican Republic checking out a potential ministry site for my school. It was a pretty amazing site and the staff is doing some pretty impressive stuff/work in the area of balancing long term impact with short term visitors/assistance. I'll probably blog more on that later. It was really cool to go around to their different ministry sites (sports/social work/medical/microfinance) but what consistently happened is I just kept stewing in the fact that I'm at the point where I bolt. This is what I mean: Ever since I was born I've never done anything for more than 5 years. Ever. I never lived anywhere for more than five years. I've never had a job for more than five years. I've never stayed in a church for more than five years. Last year was my fifth year at Santa Fe which inevitably starts to bring up this sort of restlessness that works around in my brain like a bad itch. I can't help it. Should I stay? Should I move? Is it even worth thinking over. It's not that I have any desire to leave Santa Fe persay, but the whole 5 year thing has this very real tendency to make me think and rethink and rerethink what I'm doing. Is this really what I want to be doing for decades? Am I having the impact I want to have?
I'd love to say that being in the DR gave me a renewed sense of solidity in where I am, but if anything it just kind of made the whole thing worse. Every missionary we talked to talked about being restless in their job/position. Everyone talked about having these moments when the wanted to move out into the world. The site director even looked me in the eye and said, when you're going to head out into missions God just might give you this "holy restlessness."
I'm not saying I'm going into full time missions. I'm not saying I'm leaving Santa Fe. I am saying that I feel extremely unsettled. Do the advantages of working in a school that provides for coaching/missions/leadership outweigh the disadvantages of an entitled and often extremely surface-y community? Do I have as much of an impact as I think/want to have? Am I even really that good of a coach or a teacher? What if I'm doing these things just because opportunities presented themselves and not necessarily because that's where ministry was going to happen? What if there's something that was more challenging that could really be impactful? Am I staying because it's safe? Am I thinking about leaving because it's safe? Why am I thinking so much?
Basically I'm leaving the DR with a ton of questions. And I haven't even started processing the Uganda trip yet.
Super.
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