Friday, November 27, 2009

Year End Top Ten Songs

So... I know it's not even December yet, but this is my tentative top ten for 2009... I'll probably revise before the end of the year...

Music:

10) "This Woman's Work" by Greg Laswell... amazing cover, gets the atmosphere of the lyrics in a way that I never expected, like an uppercut of emotion to the jaw

9) "It's Thunder and It's Lightning" by We Were Promised Jetpacks... Scottish hipsters create an anthem to the lost and abused... the end gets me every time

8) "Tony the Tiger" by Manchester Orchestra... I didn't know that rock this cool could come out of the ATL, sounds like Conor Oberst if he could rock... which I'm not convinced he can... feel free to disagree

7) "You are the Blood" by Sufjan Stevens... Sufjan covers an obscure indie track for AIDs relief and somewhere in the middle of the insanity reminds us of why he's a genius

6) "Woods" by Bon Iver ... T-Pain, I love your stuff, but I never knew that autotune could sound this good

5) "1901" by Phoenix ... heard this song in the trailer for "New York, I Love You" ... downloaded it 5 minutes after I left the theater

4) "Quiet Dog" by Mos Def... everytime I listen to this song the beat gets stuck in my head for a week, no exaggeration

3) "The Ocean" by Tegan and Sara... their new album isn't as good as the Con, but this song is as good as anything on there

2) "Us" by Regina Spektor... Ok, I know that this song is 5 years old, but it was rereleased this year on the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack and there's something about the line "they'll name a city after us and later say it's all our fault" that gets me every time

1) Tie: "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and "Moth's Wings" by Passion Pit... both of these tracks just make me happy... 'nuff said

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

3S1P: Get Over It

1) "Why Do I Keep Counting?" The Killers
2) "A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons" Sufjan Stevens
3) "August in Bethany" Juliana Theory

Understand this is a Dream (The album that August In Bethany came off of) may be the first album that I sang at the top of my lungs to in the car. This was very much at the beginning of my emo phase (some may argue that phase hasn't ended) and it was a time where I was kind of enamored with heartbreak. I would almost aim for it because the pain of being separated from someone was more concrete, more specific and much easier than trying to navigate the doubts and excitement and fears and hope of actually sticking with a relationship. If the relationship ended, I could just hop in my car (which at the time was a black Sentra with Hawaiian seat covers), turn up the knob on my crappy stereo and wail along to the ridiculously over the top "Don't Go!" repeated over and over. It was this anthemic shout of despair. This proclamation that I wished that the relationship had worked. But, if I was honest at the time I would have sung "Get Gone!" because I wanted it to be over so I could wallow in the clarity of a relationship that was over.

It's taken me some time, but I think the me from that era is kind of an idiot. I mean, I understand it, I know where I was coming from, I know all the issues that surround that. But, if I had anything to say to me in that era, it would probably be "Dude, get over it" The uncertainty really is at the core of everything valuable in my life. Every great risk, new venture, job decision, and step of faith of have been anchored in a very real sense of uncertainty. Now, I could, I suppose, go through life subconsciously sabotaging every opportunity I had to be happy that required a level of risk, but that would leave me alone, most likely living in my parents den, and working at Starbucks again. I'm not sure why I'd want to do that. (Now that I say that, I'll end up going back to school some day and will live in my parents den and work at Starbucks, way to jinx yourself Whytey).

I want the adventure now. I want that first step before the bunjee jump, that breathless anticipation that accompanies taking any big step in life. I'd prefer going for it and when I face plant to dust myself and aim for the next challenge rather than wallow in the failure of the last...




Cause that life is gonna be huge

Friday, June 26, 2009

Uganda 09

Just wanted to drop everyone a quick line to update on what's going on here in Uganda. We arrived three days ago in Entebbe and have spent the first couple of days at the Murchison Falls National Park. We're on safari, checking out the amazing wildlife (giraffes are officially the coolest animals ever) and meeting and training as a team.

In a couple of days we'll start our medical mission to the villages in the vicinity of Mukono. While the doctors provide care and treatment, our team will be providing hand washing training to the villagers. We've been told that this training program can reduce illnesses in a village by over 40%, so please pray that we'll be clear in our message and training. Also pray for opportunities to serve and spread the Gospel.

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to those of you who have been praying, supporting, and following along. You know who you are.

~C

Thursday, June 18, 2009

3S1P: Sentimentality

1) "The Closest Thing" The Juliana Theory
2) "Lonesome Tears" Beck
3) "For Me This is Heaven" Jimmy Eat World

I have a tendency to appreciate sentiment and mistrust it all at the same time. I think there are a number of reasons for this. I moved pretty consistently when I was a kid, so I had a tendency to assume that any relationship I had outside of my family was going to be pretty fleeting. As a result, I began to treat relationships as fairly disposable. I would move and then move on. I still do this. I can't tell you how many people in my life I've really connected with only to completely lose contact with them after I moved. I think this was exacerbated by the fact that the few times I tried to keep track with a group of friends from the last place I lived never really panned out. This was before the age of Facebook and email and without face to face contact it wasn't the same. Those friendships just died. So I began to see them for what they were, temporary. I still struggle with that.

The other aspect of this mistrust for sentiment is the fact that I still struggle with a fear that, after a while, people will figure out who I really am and then not want to spend time with that person. This arises out of the fact that I have been pretty good in the past at fitting in with any group of people, with modifying my behavior and mannerisms to match the behavior of the group (kind of like the way that Carson Daly used to get all "YO YO YO" whenever a rapper came on TRL). So there's this mistrust in sentimental moments because I secretly assume that sooner or later the person I'm sharing that moment with will get to know me, really get to know me, and just be over it. I'm getting better at not giving into that.

That all being said, there's still the side of me that stinking loves the sentimental. I love everything in E.T. after he gets revived. I could watch the scene in Chariot's of Fire where he comes from behind to win the race after falling a million times. Heck, I even dig Moulin Rouge! There are just certain things that get me. They make me stop and instantly transport me to that "Life is pretty rad" sort of moment. Jimmy Eat World used to do that for me on the regular. This was especially true of Clarity, which I think was their best album. It was an album that made no bones about plucking the heartstrings as frequently as possible and "For Me This is Heaven" is no exception. The outro keeps repeating "Can you still feel the butterflies? Can you still hear the last goodnight?" It's stupid. It's kitschy. It's sappy. It's also pretty stinkin' brilliant. It's brilliant because, if you let it, it reminds you how rad it is to be lost in those euphoric feelings that a new relationship brings. That feeling you don't want to lose. There's so much hope. There's so much hope that these early moments are glimpses of thousands to come. That phase changes you. It makes you feel like you'd blow off everybody else for that person. That feeling may not last. At that moment, the tension rears its ugly head. Do I hold to hope and risk the relationship failing in an effort to see it work? Or do I give into the mistrust and jump ship? Do I assume that nothing like that lasts? I have to choose one and I want to choose wisely. But, to be honests I still don't know how to do that. And at the end of the song, I feel like J.E.W. are acknowledging that they don't really know either. The song just kind of drops, fades away. There are no promises of tomorrow or guarantees that things will work out at the end. We are left to wonder if this will make it. The voices dropping out even adds an element of despair. It's this sense that the odds may not be good in this situation, that it won't work out. But despite all that, Jimmy still gets us to hope it will.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

3S1P: Building Blocks

1) "New Day" The Kin
2) "The Moon is Down" Further Seems Forever
3) "To the Sea" Razorlight

Being forgettable is something that few of us really want. We may not want to be remembered by everyone or be remembered for something embarrassing, but we want to be remembered by at least those closest to us. The fear of not having any tangible impact is an understandable one (thanks Jimmy Stewart for giving us the first primer on that one in "It's a Wonderful Life"). But interestingly enough, there is are piles of information, entertainment, and even relationships that we forget. They simply pass from our memory. Think about it, really think about it. How many of your teachers do you remember? Last names of your elementary classmates? All of the songs that you have listened to over the years? You just lose them. Sometimes a place or memory will jog them back into existence but often there are things that we just forget about. Those instances in our lives that pass into the great fog of all the events we have experienced. That's part of the reason I love the shuffle function on the iPod. You're listening to a bunch of stuff that's familiar when wham, out of nowhere, comes a song that you had completely lost.

Razorlight is one of those groups for me. I bought their album in the last year, maybe the second to last year that I was in the Navy. I was in an experimental phase with music where I would pretty much purchase anything that I had even heard was good. Maybe compulsive is a better word. But, nevertheless, I went after everything musically. And, in the beginning, Razorlight stuck. It was catchy, it was fun, it was British. And, for a good couple of months I really enjoyed it. It was very escapist for me. I would walk from my car to the gate to the ship early in the morning, headphones in, and for a good 30 seconds to 2 minutes I would feel like I was in a different place, that I wasn't in the Navy. That was such an important feeling for me. It gave me energy, gave me a creative outlet in a job that I wasn't that excited about. And now, three or four years later, I don't listen to Razorlight at all any more. I had forgotten what "To the Sea" sounded like. And listening to it now, I don't even like it that much. But I still appreciate what it provided for me all those years ago.

And, perhaps, more so than with music, with people we should do that as well. Remember those relationships that have defined us, shaped us. We should go through old pictures and letters to find those faces again, be thankful for them, thank God for them. Because, whether or not we actively remember those moments, those events, those relationships, or those songs, they are still such an important part of who we are.

Monday, June 15, 2009

3S1P: Let Yourself Go

1) "11 AM" Incubus
2) "Walk With Me" Caedmon's Call
3) "Mercury" Bloc Party

I think most people want to dance. Whether they like to admit it or not, they want to dance. In every country I've visited, dance is an underlying form of expression. Whether it's sorrow, celebration, or just social, they dance. And I think that if you get to the core of most people, they want to let themselves go a little bit and just go for it. They want to make fools of themselves, let the moment take them. Most of the time, however they let that desire get covered over in other people's opinions, a desire to look cool, a fear that they have no rhythm, etc. etc. But let's be honest, we all want to drop it like it's hot. That being said, we usually don't.

I remember going to a club in Canada when I was in the Navy and being out on the dance floor with a bunch of people from my ship. I tried to keep it in the pocket. Dance along the lines of what Will Smith shows Kevin James in Hitch. I wanted to have fun while not embarrassing myself. At the same time, though, a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, just went for it. He didn't have the best rhythm, he didn't have the best moves, but he went for it. Later another buddy remarked "what [insert name here] lacks in rhythm he more than makes up for in enthusiasm"

This, in a nutshell, is why I love Bloc Party. They make rock to dance to. Sometimes they make dance music to dance to. Sometimes it's badly done, sometimes it has ridiculous lyrics, but what they lack in making a song that you really latch onto, they always make up for in enthusiasm. "Mercury" is kind of a rehash of their other song "The Prayer" and it doesn't have the best beat. But! It has a horn section! It has ridiculously over the top synth effects. It's not afraid to be as over the top as it wants to be. It may not be the catchiest song, but it more than makes up for it in enthusiasm. I'd be lying if I said that didn't win me over every time.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

3S1P: Take It Or Leave It

1) "Spitting Games" Snow Patrol
2) "Living in Your Letters" Dashboard Confessional
3) "Bad News" Kanye West

There are people who hate auto tune. They say that T-Pain is ridiculously and that it's gimmicky and overused and ridiculous. This is amusing to me. It is amusing for two distinct reasons. First, auto-tune is just a production technique that's used all the time by artists in every genre. People are just using it in a way that you notice now, so it's not so much auto-tune's fault. Second, I can relate to that feeling. I went through a period where I was extremely...well...particular with my musical choices. I thought that I pretty much had the corner on what was good and that I was pretty accurate in saying that everything else was, well, bad. Most of what I listened to fell into the indie or experimental category because, at the time, I thought that that was the only place where music of true quality existed. Then I realized that music, like all other forms of entertainment is completely subjective and that there's nothing wrong with that. To try to compare The Beatles' White Album with Raffi's "Baby Beluga" is a little ridiculous if only because one is aimed at exploring different genres, redifining rock and the other is aimed at giving little kids something to dance to. I, personally, don't feel like that makes it crap. If you are trying to make art that you can sell, and most music falls into this category, then people buy it or they don't. People listen to it or they don't. And yet we have this need to categorize, to rank, to grade. But let's be honest, at the core of any review of music what we're really saying is "I like it" or "I don't." There's an episode of "The Office" where Andy says that he's not intuitive enough to be a film critic but could be a food critic and could say things like "Those muffins are bad." It's played for laughs, but let's be honest, good or bad is all we're really after. I really don't care if the food at a restaurant I go to is an A on a reviewers grading scale. What I do care is whether or not I'll enjoy it.

This brings me to my take on auto-tune. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I don't like T-Pain's "I Can't Believe It" but I think that "Blame It" by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain is really catchy and I really like almost all of the songs on Kanye's "808s and Heartbreak." West's mom died shortly before the writing and recording of the album and he uses auto-tune on the album to turn his songs into emo explorations of the loss he experiences. I think it's really creative and it adds a second layer to what he's writing. That being said, I can totally understand why someone else might think it's overwrought crap. In the end though, it's not so much the auto-tune that we're responding to. We're responding to how the auto-tune is used and how we respond to the way that it's used. Depending on the song, we may respond to that use completely differently. And that's okay. To be honest, I'm okay with you not liking any of the same music I like, that's totally okay. You may hate Justin Timberlake, but I personally think he needs to come out with another album. You may not like Lupe Fiasco, but I think he's a genius. Not so much because I think their albums are better than anyone else's but because I like their albums.

In the end, that's all I really care about.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

3S1P: Allow me to introduce myself!

1) "Riffs and Variations..." Sufjan Stevens
2) "Distractions" Zero Seven
3) "A Fast Train" John Powell

I'd like a theme song. To be honest, I'd love one. Imagine for a moment. Let's take a normal every day situation. A woman at the mall drops her wallet and continues out of the store. I see it and make up the three or four steps to hand it to her before she leaves. Now, normally, she accepts it, says thank you and we both go about our business. Now imagine that same moment with a stirring score complete with violins and a horn section. How much more epic is that?!?!?! "A Fast Train" is one of the tracks off of the Bolt soundtrack. I downloaded it because I was making a video for the cross country team and wanted a song that had that sort of epic feel to it. But why should these feelings of resonance, of stirring importance, be limited to movies? Why shouldn't I bring a sort of grandeur to parallel parking? to completing my taxes? to successfully using google maps to avoid rush hour traffic? These are the epic moments that define my life. They may not be huge, but my oh my they are exciting, and boy oh boy could they use some kicking up a notch. So why can't I have a theme song?

One simple reason friends... you don't get to request a theme song! Just like nicknames, you don't get to pick your own theme songs. As Seinfeld showed us, you can't pick your own nickname or everyone would want to be called T-Bone! So tragically friends, unless a composer of note (I don't want a janky theme song) decides randomly to score my life I'm doomed to roam the earth without a soundtrack to make my life more majestic. But that doesn't stop me from picking some of my favorites and humming them to myself for extra inspiration.

Friday, June 12, 2009

3S1P: Identity

1) "Squalor Victoria" The National
2) "Kids" MGMT
3) "Love Ridden" Fiona Apple

Wow... this is kind of an unexpected song to come up. I vaguely remember hearing Fiona Apple for the first time somewhere around my freshman year in college. I remember thinking that she was different than anything I'd heard before (up to that point I'd really only listened to Christian music) and thinking that there was a lot of music that I just plain hadn't heard. That was an interesting year. It was, probably, the beginning of the developing tension between my desire to consume any and all music I could get my hands on and my desire to not listen to too much junk that I thought would pollute me. Music is so powerful, so influential. It subconsciously alters our moods, our perceptions, even our political ideals. I think everyone realizes this on a small level. I remember a friend of mine saying that he was surprised that I wasn't more liberal based on the music I listened to. I remember being surprised by that statement but then thinking about the fact that so much of the music I was listening to was about a mistrust of authority and government. He had a point.

It's funny how those types of influences can really become a part of who you are and where you've been. I was at lunch today with a friend and "Time" by Hootie and the Blowfish came on and I was instantly transported to my sophomore year of high school. I could feel that awkwardness, that insecurity, and that same sort of wonder at the fact that I had more freedom and more friends that year. That was also a season where the music I listened to all carried a certain level of optimism and I remember feeling fairly, well, optimistic. What is interesting about "Time" though is that it came off of a CD that also had a song about the presence of racism in our country. That was really the first time that I realized that music could be a platform to address the evils in our culture and being impacted by that. It was the first time that I realized that music could mean something and mean something to me.

Both of those phases (the Fiona phase and the Hootie phase) are interesting when you compare them to where I'm at now. I listen to art rock and experimental music (Radiohead and Passion Pit). I listen to commerical rock (Fall Out Boy). I listen to folk and acoustic (Iron and Wine and Sufjan Stevens). I even listen to The-Dream and Rihanna. I listen to everything. What I think is important to recognize about all that is that while the period in which I listened to Fiona Apple and the period in which I was listening to Hootie were times in which music had a very specific impact, the music I listen to now has an impact that's all over the place. Maybe, as a result, it's especially important to stay rooted, stay grounded, to ensure that I have a consistent contact with God. Otherwise, I could see something like music turning me into a sort of multiple-personality mess. Well, maybe that's a little extreme, but it certainly doesn't help me to find where I really am. I'm not saying it's bad to love a diverse variety of music. I just think it's important to keep hold of who you are and who you were made to be.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

3S1P: Bring the Thunder!

1) "Pictures of You" The Cure
2) "Don't Make Me a Target" Salute Your Solution
3) "Salute Your Solution" The Raconteurs

YES!!!! Yes yes yes! So amped! Finally, a fun song. I am... unashamedly a car singer. I don't mean so much when anyone else is in the car with me. BUT, when I'm driving alone, when the iPod is on shuffle, there are certain songs that I will belt out with force and conviction of that crazy, tipsy dude at the Karaoke Bar who is convinced that the world NEEDS to hear him sing "Sweet Caroline." Not that I am opposed to Sweet Caroline, or Neil Diamond for that matter. I think Neil Diamond is amazing. I own the Jazz Singer on vinyl. I think Comin' to America is the final word on what it means to write an anthem. But I digress. I'm just trying to establish the volume and energy that I bring to singing in the car. I'm not just singing. I'm belting out like I'm fronting an 80s hair metal band in its prime.

And I especially love songs that make you feel powerful, invincible, like some kind of mutant flying rodent with the head of a lion and the wings of a dragon and the biceps of Andre the Giant... and... oh... wow... THIS is a little awkward

But seriously, there's nothing quite like a song that makes you feel invincible. The song that makes you feel more confident the louder that you sing it. Songs like "My Hero" by Foo Fighters, "Pardon Me" by Incubus, "Say it Ain't So" by Weezer. And this confidence, this ridiculous euphoria that rides like a wave that only grows larger if you sing with other like minded psychopaths is one of my favorite things in the world.

That all to say...this is not one of those songs... really... I love Jack White, but I can't sing this song to save my life. It's too wordy, and I lose myself in trying to keep up... EXCEPT for one part. The part when he starts singing "I got what I got all despite you and I get what I get just to spite you." Oh man oh man oh man oh man. Never was there a more awesome line in a song meant to put the person who dumped you in their place and to empower the individual singing the line. Let's be honest. Getting dumped is somewhere between lame and super lame. But there's a certain power, a certain thunder, in being able to establish that while you may have lost that battle you will win the war of life. You'll have better relationships, more meaningful adventures, you'll run higher, see from the top of higher mountains, join in the call of the eagle songs as you conquer the mightiest of forests... HAHA... look what you're missing out on! And when we sing lines like this one... with conviction with strength... we are, temporarily... oh so temporarily, freed to be truly our epic selves, which is what we should be all the time anyway.

So, props to you Jack White, for giving me the words I need when I feel like standing on top of the wreckage and saying "Oh No ma'am! I will be victorious!"

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

3S1P: Importante

1) "Verb" Silage
2) "This Woman's Work" Maxwell
3) "When You Were Young" The Killers

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I remember how much I loved this song when it came out. I felt like this album was going to be amazing and soaring and epic and take the Killers in a really cool new direction! This is such an interesting song for them, because it really is the Killers doing Coldplay. Meaning: soaring chorus with lyrics that mean next to nothing. I mean the song starts out singing about a girl desperate for a relationship and then next thing you know they're "Burning down the highway skyline on the back of a hurricane" Wowzers, that's quite the first date!

This song though, reminds me of how deceiving appearances can be, in people and music. You take this amazingly singable, fun single (that is still a blast to play on Rock Band by the way) and then you follow it up with a bunch of songs that are ridiculously self-important and trying so hard to be Bruce Springstein they can hardly stand it. I mean, at least with Coldplay you get some singable choruses. The rest of Sam's Town (the album that WYWY came off of) is a mess plain and simple. And I remember being so disappointed by that. I defended it. I tried to tell my friends that it was a testament to Americana, that there was hidden meaning, that the Killers were brave for making it. Reality: it was crap. And over time, over weeks and months, I began to listen to it less and less. Know the album is filed away in my collection doomed to collect dust with the Eve6 songs I have and the Third Eye Blind tracks. Bands that made one good song that makes you nostalgic every time you hear it and then make a bunch of forgettable junk.

It's one of the reasons why I have a tendency to not buy singles any more before I hear the whole album. That first impression may pack a punch, but it's the total package that truly makes a difference in the long run.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

3S1P: Day Three

1. "The Kill" 30 Seconds to Mars
2. "Think About It" Flight of the Conchords
3. "Love is a Battlefield" Pat Benatar

Wow... really? I'm really going to blog on Pat Benatar this morning? This is going to be an exercise. I have to be honest. There's a part of me that misses the unbridled optimism of the 80s. Of course that was also a time period where we were ridiculously self-centered, materialistic, and probably running ourselves into the ground, but DANG ... we were happy! This may actually be my favorite 80s song because it's the kind of fist pumping pop track that is on one hand really inspiring "we are young... no one can tell us we're wrong!" and at the same time mindful of the fact that it has no idea what it's talking about "heartache to heartache we stand ... no promises no demands." Honestly, there's probably something to be learned there.

I went through a phase in college, like most of us, where I was very confident of the fact that I knew everything... I may actually still be in that phase. But the funny thing about thinking you know everything is your behavior usually displays the exact opposite. You end up making a lot of stupid decisions/ending up in lame relationships to spite yourself. I still remember driving 4 hours to hang out with a girl who would hang out with me but whenever I asked her if she wanted to date would say "not right now." To a sane man, that would be a HUGE signal that this was not the right tree to be barking up. But to me, because I knew better, I kept driving that stinking four hour highway to rejection. In that moment... only Pat Benatar knew what I was feeling. We'll call them the Benatar days... wait, that sounds kinda lame/femme/sketch... we'll call them the 80s days.

That all being said, I'm glad I'm a little less in that phase than I used to be.

Monday, June 8, 2009

3S1P: Day Two

Songs for the morning:

1) "Be My Husband" Lisa Hannigan and Damien Rice
2) "Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil Wayne
3) "Good" Better than Ezra

Wow this song is way more depressing than I remember. But Good kind of fits perfectly into that mid 90's alt-rock sort of set up. You take a hook that sounds uplifting "It's been good living with you" and then mire it in lyrics that are hard to decipher and end up being ridiculously depressing (the song's about coming home to find the person you live with has left you). Classic example of this is Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind. There were hordes of kids in high school who would walk around singing the "doo doo doo" chorus like idiots having no idea that the song was about being addicted to meth.

This also kind of describes my high school experience. The exterior is glossy, but watch out once you get below the surface. I remember, in the midst of being really depressed, treating music as a form of escape at that point in my life, a way to express the things that I desired but hadn't attained. I think in that sense it was sort of like the earliest form of honest prayer for me. I'd talk about the stuff that I really wanted, but didn't really have any sense of how to actually do anything about those feelings/emotions. I remember singing "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters as a scrawny, awkward high schooler, and singing it with some force, but not having any idea of what it felt like to be in a relationship. Same for pretty much everything that the Wallflowers put out in that era. There was a sense of living a virtual life through the songs. Through them I lived out heartache, love, and anger vicariously. That was so cathartic and so ... well ... dangerous.

For a good four to five years after that point I remember feeling like I had to create moments of emotional resonance, like the scenes in movies where the music swells and the awkward but likeable protagonist really goes for it (you know what I'm talking about "Can't Hardly Wait"). But the crazy thing about that is that the best moments, most real, most emotional are not the ones that we manufacture but the ones that reveal themselves honestly. So, in searching constantly for that emotional high, I often missed out on the little things that God had blessed me with that were so much more genuine, so much more amazing. Classic example of this is a night that I was hanging out in Williamsburg with my Dad. It was freezing and he let me borrow his sheeps wool lined gloves. I had a pretty gnarly cut on my hands because, at the time, I was struggling with some low grade OCD and had taken to washing my hands every time I touched anything. The result was that I, basically, washed the skin off my hands until they would bleed infrequently. Anyway, my dad passes me his gloves and I realized that halfway through wearing them that I was bleeding on the gloves. I looked up at my dad and said "I'm really sorry but I think I ruined your gloves." He looked at them, and the blood, and just said "do you honestly think that I care more about gloves than you?" No big speeches, no one burst into song... well, someone might have, but it was Christmas and I think there were carolers in Williamsburg, but that's unrelated ... but that was something that I'll remember for the rest of my life.

That's the funny thing about Good and so many songs like it. For all their attempts to create an emotion that the listener can relate to, they're completely unrealistic. Who would go home to find that everything was missing from their house and that they're significant other had left and then would break into a catchy chorus of "well... it was good living with you" A CRAZY PERSON THAT'S WHO!!! Unfortunately for a good portion of my life I would try to create those same emotionally soaring moments because I thought that's the way that things were supposed to be. But to be honest, for all of my trying the thing that I realized that I was most missing out on was the little junk that is so insanely awesome.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

3rd Song 1st Person:

So here it is, for the next couple weeks (we'll see if I make it that far) I'm going to try something a little different in hopes of writing more consistently. Call it an experiment. I'm going to write a post every day in the theme "3rd Song 1st Person." Every day I'll write a post on the 3rd song that comes up on my iPod when I hit shuffle songs. There are a few stipulations: must be a song, must be the third song, can only start the shuffle once, no cheating. I'll list the songs that came in first and second. Feel free to check them out on IMEEM or Lala if you want to get a better feel for where I'm coming from. We'll see how it goes.

*Disclaimer* Today's song contains mature thematic material... it's a portrait of Lupe Fiasco's early upbringing and isn't sugar coated in any sense. Keep that in mind before you look up the lyrics.

Sunday June 7th, 2009
1) "In the Blood" by Better than Ezra
2) "Idioteque" by Radiohead
3) "Hurt Me Soul" by Lupe Fiasco

Dang, this shuffle took a left turn... sort of. Lupe may be the most emo rapper I know of, in a really good way. He's a master of recognizing the dualities within his own personality. The mix of influences, tastes, etc. I can relate to that, especially lately. I was hanging out with Audrey and Benson this past week, talking to Audrey about identifying the false self/selves that I am pretty quick to put up. Meaning this, I'm pretty good at acting exactly the way that I think people will relate to the best/like the most. This is exacerbated by the fact that I'm kinda freakin intuitive so most of the time I'm right about the way they want me to act. The cool thing about these last couple weeks is I've been learning just to be myself and let all those random influences combine in the way that is most comfortable/closest to the way that God made me instead of trying to call upon the particular interests/personality traits that I think fit the best in whatever situation I'm in.

That's kind of why I love that this is my first 3rd song. Southern rock bleeds into art rock bleeds into a rapper that is "american mentally with japanese tendencies, parisian sensibilities" This is like a gumbo mix. In "Hurt Me Soul" Lupe is reflecting on all of the different influences that have come his way, the loss of his innocence, the infiltration of his spirituality with his love for hip-hop with a back drop of all the chaos and turmoil that is surrounding him in the world. It's a really heavy song over a really mellow beat. This is Lupe in a nutshell: Hooks that scream dancefloor, lyrics that take an unflinching look at the social ills that surround him. What I love about Lupe is that when he criticizes he does it from a position of humility. If there are no holds barred, he's coming after his own shortcomings as well. He looks at life in the inner city, the faults present in hip hop, the ills that plague America and the world and acknowledges the fact that it is killing him on the inside.

So... how does the song relate to the self-reflection? I lament the fact that I've tried to hide who I really am so many times. I regret that I haven't let God use the mess that is me more frequently for fear of what man thinks. I'm not in a place as heavy as Lupe is in this song, but I do regret the fact that I haven't been more genuine towards people. More genuine about who I really am and more genuine about what I really think.

I am a geek, a nerd, I love disney, technology, rap, horrible r&b, clothes, I'm far too materialistic, I sing in public, I would dance in public if I wasn't such a chicken :). I am not cool, I am far too emo, I'm sentimental to a fault, I'm to insecure for my own good, I'm also too cocky for my own good.

I think that most people I know are either too liberal or too conservative, I get tired of people taking out other people behind each others backs, I'm not forgiving enough, I think the church is in danger of losing sight of what it means to love the sinner but hate the sin because it's embarrassed by the ways in which the sin has taken the front seat in the past, I'm charismatic, I believe that God still actively engages in the world, I'm not really a Republican, not really a democrat, because I think that both will always fall ridiculously short of what we could do in this country if we were sold out for Jesus. I really get tired of people who talk about global politics who have never visited the countries that they have such strong opinions about, I think the Church needs to start tithing or we are in danger of becoming the Rich Man to the world's Abraham. And things don't end up well for the rich man. I don't think being rich makes you a Pharisee. I think that social justice can be an idol just as much as money can. I think that there is a right answer. I think I ignore it to often and it hurts my soul.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Genuine

Saw one of my students give his testimony in what was one of the most genuine moments I've seen in quite some time. No apologies, no attempts to make things more interesting or exciting, just a very real explanation of where he was at with God. It made me realize that so often in the church we try to engage with where we believe people "should" be and speak from a position that reflects our "best" moments. We rarely bring the junk, the struggles, the frustrations to the table. I know this is not a new revelation, but one that I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. The frustrating aspect of this is that it never creates a deeper understanding of the inroads to a deeper walk with Christ.

To better explain where I'm going with this, because I'm rambling, I know, I'm going to use an analogy from music. Lets say you only ever had two examples of what it meant to be a guitar player, yourself and maybe, um, John Lennon. Now lets say that no one ever explained to you that Lennon took a while to get there, through practice, hard work, and dedication. You might become convinced that its pointless to even try playing guitar as you don't see a possible means of getting to that "Lennon Level." It would be obvious that Lennon is where you should be. What might not be obvious is that you could get there.

Now this is a poor example, for any number of reasons. Not least of which because it fails to take into consideration the fact that some people will never be able to play guitar as well as John Lennon. But, I do think that this illustrating does reveal an interesting trend in the church.

When we fail to bring our garbage to the table it creates the illusion that there are two types of Christians. Those who have it easy, who have it all together, who never mess up, and those who constantly struggle. From that place, those who are very aware of the fact that they struggle often do two things: either give up on the trying or just "fake it to make it" and put forward a front that looks good to their community. That's why it's so important that as a community we are real with where we are actually at. That we are honest when we struggle with different sin areas. That we create space for people to be real about where they are actually at.

I'm not saying we should relish in sin, that we should delight in the fact that we mess up, but I do think sharing a realistic, "warts and all" picture of the walk helps to illuminate the fact that all temptation is common, that our God is a God of redemption who works with even the greatest of sinners. I think it also constantly reminds us that we are all desperately in need of forgiveness because we all sin constantly. I think, in some ways, I'm furthest from God when I think that I'm doing a really good job of following him and I'm closest to God when I realize that I'm horrible at following Him and constantly need Him to transform me from the inside.

That's why I want to be more genuine...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Vocation

There are no paragraph breaks in this post. Deal with it.

Antony asked me this weekend if I thought I'd found my vocation. "I'd say so." To which he responded, "but would you say that unprompted" Hesitated a little bit at that one. It's interesting but due to some combination of my very nomadic upbringing, my ENFP personality, and lingering insecurity I still have some serious issues with commitment. Referring to my job as my vocation still causes a bit of a shudder to run up my spine. The post-modernist in me just doesn't want to identify myself with one thing so specifically. That being said, if I was honest, I'd have to say that I have indeed found what I would consider to be my vocation. My hesitation to identify it as such has pretty much only kept me from giving 100% to what I was doing. Which is a little bit on the lame sauce side of things. My dad always used to say that "Excellence honors God" which I used to view as a fairly trite paring down of the gospel as I knew it. I'm coming to realize, though, that just because that's not the entirety of God's intent for our lives doesn't make it not true. I'm coming to value truth nuggets like that one. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, pursuing excellence in the things that God has placed in my path reveals a willingness on my part to trust in the fact that He doesn't have me in some sort of spiritual holding pattern. If He, in his sovereignty, has placed me where I'm at for a reason, maybe I should try to pursue His work for me in that place eagerly. Coming out of the Navy that's consistently been one of my largest struggles. When I was there I always thought of it as a go between, a gap filler in my life and never really sold out to the idea that I needed to look for where He was working around me in that area as much as I could. That never really happened until the very end. Now, in a place I love with a vocation I've grown to be really stoked about, it's time to get over it and dive in. Not so much with more time but with greater intentionality, prayer, and a willingness to surrender to the things that God has for me.

That's pretty stinking exciting.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Uncomfortably Comfortable

It struck me as odd, this past week in D.C., the lengths we go to make our history "comfortable" to those who come to study/observe/revisit it. Over the course of three days we visited the Gettysburg Battlefield, Williamsburg, and Monticello and in all three of these places slavery was mentioned but never given the attention that the culture/commerce/innovation/politics were given. This strikes me as more frustrating because I don't think we make our leaders stronger or better by glossing over their weaknesses. We just make our heritage more convoluted. I don't think that saying Jefferson disliked slavery but didn't see a way around it as an acceptable response to the fact that he had hundreds of slaves, fathered at least 1 possibly 4 children into slavery who he did not free until they had reached the age of 21. I don't think presenting that situation as a "moral dilemma" should free him from close or condemning scrutiny. Jefferson had issues. I think we just need to deal with that. The man chose comfort over conscience. I think it also dilutes the impact of someone like Lincoln who, generations later, still seems to withstand close scrutiny. Exceptional leaders should be just that, exceptional. All this to say, I realized how often I choose comfort over conscience. Like one of the disciples who couldn't handle the fact that Jesus said "eat my flesh and drink my blood" often I "vamoose" when I am challenged to do things that leave me uncomfortable in this world.