On proportion

Grappling a lot today with the comment in Colossians 4 that our conversation should be "full of grace seasoned with salt." I think I've spent the better part of my Christian life trying to be full of salt seasoned with grace. I spend way too much time thinking of how people should be, trying to be better myself, and constantly trying to push people towards better and then throwing in a pinch of "don't worry God did everything, there's grace there."

I miss the point way too often.

It's so hard but I want to live a life where grace always comes first and foremost. Where unconditional love is freely given and freely received and through that love we are challenged, grown, made better. Through that experience we learn through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit to be older, wiser, better. I don't know why I expect everyone around me to be perfect when, for the most part, I'm selfish and slow on the uptake when it comes to spiritual ideas.

Just a thought.

Geek/Nerdish Observations

So, I've been reading a lot while I've been in Thailand. I forgot how much I love it. Lot's of different stuff... some fiction, some nonfiction. But over the last couple days I've been rereading The Lord of the Rings. It's still a favorite and it was kind of the perfect cap to this trip.

This trip has been spiritually and emotionally heavy in the best possible way. I'm so thankful for the Heines and the way they created a space to just live life. To let God do his thing. I'm also incredibly thankful for the fact that their house has quite a few features that lend themselves to a spiritual retreat

1) No Cable -- I don't even want to think about how much time I waste on TV
2) Lots of good places to read -- Nooks, corners, comfortable couches... fan
3) Life is happening -- No matter how hard I try to be self-absorbed, you get swept into community here. I really like that.

So, all that to say, I've kind of been in an ideal spot for reading, reflection, and letting God do His thing. And He's been working me pretty hard (see previous posts). I was telling Adam tonight that it's been an experience that doesn't feel as "emotional" as other life changing experiences, but it feels more substantial for some reason. Like I feel this week down to my marrow.

What does any of this have to do with The Lord of the Rings?

Well, there's this small part at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring where Gandalf is talking to Frodo (Nerd Alert! Just in case the title wasn't enough warning) and Gandalf notices that the experience that Frodo has just gone through seemed to have produced a change in Frodo. Like Frodo had become slightly more transparent. That's, I think, the closest to how I feel now. This wasn't a week for big declarations or huge emotional breakdowns. But I feel... changed. I feel like this week was a long time coming. I'd essentially fallen into the rut of my own idiosyncrasies over the last couple of months and years and I was badly overdue for a shake up (Note: if you're cruising along doing what you've been doing for a while, you're most likely missing something/in need of a wake up call/in need of refocus/all of the above). So, all that to say, I'm grateful for the change and I'm eager for the adventure ahead, whatever that is. I don't know what God is prepping me for if anything, but I'm so thankful for this time.

Getting Over Stuff

So, I was reading Romans this morning, which is a bit like having Pot Roast for breakfast (delicious sure, but sits on your ribs like a lead weight, hard to shake). And I read that oft quoted verse "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1) and I realized that I used to really dislike this verse. It seemed to easy. Surely we had to be held accountable for stuff. Isn't that the whole point of crowns in heaven? I'm a way better Christian than that guy over there... surely that's going to come up in heaven? And if I mess up, then God's going to hold me accountable.

This attitude, for the better part of the last ten years has resulted in a mindset that God has a ladder that I am constantly climbing and when I mess up, He moves me down the ladder, and if I mess up too bad, He'll knock me off of the ladder all together.

This is so bent!

I'm realizing more and more on this trip that my behavior has zip, zilch, zero, nada to do with my position in God's eyes, the value that he has for me. I'm messed up, I'm going to mess up more, but God loves me all the same. And the fruit that I have in my life has little to do with me, if anything. That fruit, all the good stuff that I do, is a manifestation of the Spirit in my and a natural result of learning to love God. If I do good stuff, it's because he made it possible, part of this journey of getting closer to Him in relationship. It has nothing to do with whether I'm better or worse at being a Christian than anyone else. It also makes me realize that the path to victory over sin is not in discipline (sure that helps, but if there is no love, no heart for Christ behind it, then who cares?) but in learning to receive his love and loving him more. The closer I get to God, the more victory I see in my life as a natural overflow of his Spirit. The farther I get away, the easier it is to stumble.

I think this is why so many times that I have "sworn off" a particular sin, I've been so unsuccessful. Those moments aren't about getting closer to God, they're about me making declarations on what I can do. I can't overcome sin. There's no way. I'm gonna choose sin every single time if it's just on me. But if I draw closer to God, develop in my relationship with Him, learn to love Him, that stuff gets easier and easier.


One last example: I used to memorize scripture because I saw it as some sort of weapon that I could use, like I was developing a Spiritual utility belt. "What's up temptation?! You want some?!!?!" I'd shout and then I'd blast temptation with an appropriate verse, probably from something Paul wrote. I used Jesus overcoming temptation in the desert as a touchstone. "See! It worked for Him!" But what I missed was the fact that when Jesus quoted those verses he wasn't using them like some sort of talisman or secret weapon, he was reminding Satan of the blessings that he had in God. The power that his Father had given Him. The love that the Father had shown. He spoke of those scriptures of statements of the true nature of who he was and what the Father had for him. That's why quoting verses didn't work for the devil, who tried to use them against Jesus.

I want to start memorizing scripture again. But not because it makes me a better Christian, or that I'll be a more powerful spiritual warrior. I want to start memorizing scripture because it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the stuff that I so quickly forget. That God loves me more than I realize. That Christ paid the price in full for my sins before I could commit them. That I'm blessed and did nothing to deserve it.


So, yeah... that was sort of fractured, but it's what I was thinking this morning.

A brief thought on inception

I really have no desire to unpack the movie Inception on this blog. That would be a never ending struggling I think (note: loved that move, loved it). But there's a single line that really hit me the first time I saw it, and the second. One of the characters is referring to a memory of another character and states that the memory can never replace the actual person with all that individuals "perfection and imperfection." (I'm trying to keep this as vague as possible so as to avoid ruining said movie for anyone who reads this. Moral of the story: I tried really hard to protect you all because I want you to experience this movie that bad. Go see it!)

Anyway, I love that idea. I really like the idea of appreciating and valuing both the perfection and imperfection in a person. To have people know your weaknesses and strengths and loving you in the middle of them all. My family is like this with me and the friends that have stuck around over the years (I'm beginning to realize there are more of those than I thought). I try to hide my imperfection all the time. Depending on who I'm with, I try to tailor the imperfection I reveal to suit the audience. If you're slightly nerdy, I'll reveal that I've got a thing for math or science or good historical fiction. If you're kind of a geek, I'll let slip that I'm into Star Trek, or Tolkien, or Batman: The Animated Series. I do all this selectively because I'm afraid of letting go of all the parts of me for fear that one of those parts will somehow put off the person who discovers it and then that person will abandon me. I think I'm done with this. So in an exercise of good faith, here are some things (some of which are slightly embarrassing) that I like about me that I wouldn't normally share with people, mostly out of fear of sounding like a total loser.

1) I can pretty much sing the songs from every Disney musical from memory (most people know this already)
2) I still really enjoy watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and in high school I played the RPG card game.
3) I was on the math team in high school and I lettered in it (academic team too)
4) I like plenty of "embarrassing" music: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Timberlake, the occasional Justin Bieber song (whoever's writing his stuff is doing a good job), Katy Perry (she pushes the envelope I know, but she's got some insane hooks)
5) I've read all the Harry Potter books
6) I really like a good sweater vest
7) I sing in the car when I drive

There's more stuff too. Even as I wrote that list I was sitting there mulling it over, thinking "yeah, share that it actually makes you seem kind of likable, no... not that, now you sound like a goob" or "I should pepper in something that makes me sound more indie or hipster or arty." It's still a struggle, but I want to keep striving, working to just be me in all circumstances and if people dig that, sweet. If they don't, whatever. Pretty random I know, but I'm tired of trying to figure out who the best "me" is to present in a given situation.

Obedience

So, I've been thinking a lot about how Jesus says that if you obey him, you'll remain in his love. I always used to think that that seemed like a pretty discomforting idea. Because it seemed like I was pretty much doomed to fall out of his love because, to be honest, I'm pretty bad at obeying his commands. I think if we're honest most of us are. But more and more on this trip I'm realizing that the point of that wasn't to warn us but to encourage us. I mean, he follows this statement immediately in John to say, I told you this so that your joy will be complete.

I'm realizing this (slowly and with a lot of resistance, I'm way more Catholic than I thought) that God's love comes with out a prerequisite amount of obedience on our part, because Jesus handled that bill in the first place. So the whole point of saying that we'll remain in his love if we obey him is this (I think... this one's from me to be honest) ... if we love him, we're just naturally going to obey him, which pretty much means we don't have anything to worry about.

I'll use my parents as an example. For the most part I just obeyed them, I didn't like it all the time, but I did, because well, at the core I always knew they loved me, so it was kind of easy. I even obeyed them to the point of doing some pretty ridiculous things, like going to the Dwight D. Eisenhower birthplace on one vacation (okay... to be honest, I kind of liked that, I even bought a commemorative copy of the D-Day address, I'm a nerd). I went because I kind of new, even as a selfish teenager, that my dad really dug that kind of stuff, so why not let him enjoy that. Author's note: I was not always that compliant, don't want to create an inaccurate depiction of myself, it's just one of those moments.

Anyway, it was kind of easy to obey them because I knew they loved me and I loved them in return. Our relationship with God is like that. Obedience doesn't validate love or earn love... it's the natural product of love. I know God loves me and the more aware I become of that, the more surrounded I am by it, the more I pursue it, the more I obey Him just because I want to spend more time with Him. It's that whole "it's your kindness that leads to repentance" idea.

Soooo, all this to say, maybe we worry too much as Christians about being the conscience of each other and the world when in reality we could just be showing each other Christ's love, teaching each other to genuinely know and receive that love, and letting the Holy Spirit handle that whole conviction thing. He's pretty good at it.

Reentering Civilization

It's funny, but I didn't realize until I was reading "Blue like Jazz" that I realized how socially dysfunctional I had become with community. It's amazing how living in a house with 5 kids and two of my closest friends has been like a splash of water to the face of socially awkward behavior. I'm learning to have long conversations again, the sort that don't have any real sort of deadline to speak of. I'm learning to initiate conversation again, to read people, to help out others, to be aware of others in general. It's been really nice.

I need community and for all the busyness of my life, I don't nearly seek it out enough. I need that sort of stretching and growing and challenging. It's very very cool to feel it happening. Plus, when God stuff is happening (which is happening right now) it's nice to have people to share new discoveries with, bounce ideas off of, pray with etc.

So, yeah, Thailand is kind of awesome

Rest

Rest is such a funny thing. For me at least. I really grate against it in the states. I don't like it when it arrives, try as much as possible to fill that time with activity, with useful pursuits. But, six days in to Thailand, I am reminded how desperately I need a chance to rest, to recharge, to reenter into God's presence. This first week has been incredible and it's mostly been so because I've taken time to have talks with friends, read books, get good sleep, read my bible, listen to music. I do these things at home, certainly, but never with the amount of time that it takes to really get past the outer layers to the juicy center of these experiences.

It's also funny how once you reset and do those sorts of rest centered activities you move from doing them because they are "good for you" and into doing them because they are things that you enjoy. I really enjoy reading and had completely forgotten. I enjoy what it feels like to be well rested on an early morning and had completely forgotten. I enjoy community that challenges and grows and stretches. Well, that I remembered and that's part of the reason I came out here in the first place.

On Coincidence

I have a friend who said once that people will pretty much see God in everything. He meant this as a sort of validation that God isn't really anywhere because people will actively choose to see him where and when they wish. I have another friend who says that it's just as easy to see "not God" in everything. Meaning that people who need to can go out of their way to ensure that God isn't present in their lives.

I see God a lot.

I also go through a lot of phases where I either choose not to see God or am apathetic to his presence.

That being said, I'm pretty stinking thankful when I see Him. Today I went to church with Adam and Cindy, Sean and Prang, Isaac and Nathan, Abbi and Eli, Anica and Lu and Pan (I grouped them all because dang we had a lot of people in that car). We went to a Australian church service in Chiang Mai that was populated by some Thai, some Burmese, a bunch of farangs (white people)... and then the pastor proceeded to preach on exactly what I've been grappling with here on the blog and in my life. I don't mean he touched on the same theme. He went straight for the jugular on the stuff that I've been dealing with. It was funny and creepy and hugely affirming. Adam told me it sounded like the pastor had read my blog and then decided to preach on it.

I saw God in that service. You could tell me about the coincidental nature of it, that it was just reinforcing my inherent bias to see what I want to see, that I would have heard the same thing from someone at some point somewhere. But I really don't care. At that moment I experienced the relentless love of a God who was trying very, very hard to get my attention. To show me His love, to show me that yes he is disappointed in me sometimes, but that's really not the point.

I am so thankful for this kind of relentless pursuit because I am a very, very stubborn person. You tell me something once and I am most likely to say that it's nice but shrug it off and forget it. You tell me twice and I might even begin to think it's kind of important. You tell me something three times and I might start to acknowledge that something might have to be done with that idea.

God has literally spoken to me this week (through friends, family, the word, books, sermons) on my need to let go of my misplaced desire to earn favor and fall into grace on nearly a dozen occasions. And, now, after a dozen occasions, I'm kinda sorta starting to get it. He'll probably say it a couple more times this week and it's really nice to know that He's there, to see Him working to get my attention, and to know that He cares enough to keep telling me.

Recognition

I think that I have a misplaced sense of recognition. For most of my life, I've been desperate for the sort of recognition that sets me apart as great, significant. I say that this is misplaced because, at the end of the day it is completely irrelevant.

I was thinking about the parable where the vineyard workers come for pay at the end of the day and the ones who started in the morning get paid the same as the ones who started in the last hour of the day (Matt. 20). If I'm honest, I really don't like this parable, because the self-centered part of me likes to envision a heaven where I arrive and God says "Chris you were a way better Christian than those guys over there." But I'm realizing that that's nothing like what God's actually like.

God recognizes his son Jesus as someone in which he's well pleased before Jesus does a single miracle. Vineyard workers get paid the same no matter how long they worked. The messed up and broken get redeemed. Nineveh gets a second chance.

I'm babbling I know, but I'm realizing that I don't earn favor anymore than I lose it. I am loved and recognized by God because of who He is not because of what I've done. That is a scary, but ultimately incredibly freeing thought. I get loved no matter what, which means it's really not about what I do, it's about the fact that I'm loved. And the cool part of that love relationship is that I get to be a part of God doing pretty awesome stuff. But even when that happens, I don't get to go "wow check me out God did stuff through me" I just get to marvel at how amazing God actually is. That's pretty amazingly freeing because it sets us free to worship without obligation. To worship a God who loves us in spite of ourselves. To be a part of a life that's not about us. That's so incredibly cool.

Thoughts from a morning read

I'm hugely selfish.

I think I always have been. I go through phases where I like to pretend like I'm not because I'm developing some sort of misplaced "I'm awesome" perspective that is usually founded in the idea that I'm doing more than other people. This is messed up, because in reality the reason I'm awesome is solely because of the worth that has been given me by Christ and I really have nothing to do with that.

One of the ways this selfishness manifests itself is in the way that I distance myself from people who I perceive to be "uncool." I usually do this because I worry that if people see me hanging out with said "uncool" folk, the cool people will realize how truly uncool I also am and will subsequently have nothing to do with me.

I'm uncool.

Saying that outloud is probably a good thing because I want to embrace it, to cherish it, to realize that this messed up, selfish, broken, at times socially awkward person still gets to hang out with Jesus (which is pretty stinking rad) so why wouldn't I want to share that experience with everyone, especially the people I perceive to be uncool. If the best part of my relationship with Christ is the love he gave me that I did nothing to deserve, shouldn't I desire to share that with everyone, regardless of their status. Or, perhaps, in response to their status? I mean, wasn't Jesus' big thing to hang out with the outcasts of society anyway?

I suck at this (please excuse the crude expression). I try desperately to hang out with people who I think will improve my social status. Jesus always hung out with people who ruined his. I worry that people will see me for who I really am. Jesus points out that he wants to love us for who we really are and he's not ashamed for the world to know it. I think it's all about me. Jesus always pointed out that it wasn't even about Him, it was about reconciling people to the Father.

God, give me the strength to be real, to be honest, to hang out with and love everyone you put in my path because I'm really bad at it.

Growing Pains

Functionally I'm insecure. Most people who know me well know this. It's not a particularly large declaration. Nothing shocking in it. But it's something that I have to remind myself of and be reminded of from time to time because it has a tendency to shape my actions and my responses to things. Which is never a good thing. I don't know that I've ever accomplished much good out of a place of insecurity.

One of the ways this manifests itself is that I have a tendency to try and curry favor with people because I feel like if anyone gets to know me well enough, they'll realize that I'm really not worth the time. Which usually makes me care way too much about what other people think.

The really bent thing about all this is that I also have a tendency to carry this into my relationship with God. I often don't believe He loves me, I think that if he does he'll probably figure out eventually that I'm not really worth loving, and in the end I try really hard to make him like me. Because maybe if I do enough stuff he'll be fooled long enough to not figure out who I really am.

This is so messed up.

I'm realizing (thanks to friends, the book "Blue Like Jazz," and the Old Testament) that I really never did anything to be loved in the first place. God loves me, desperately, always has, doesn't change in that love, loves me even when he gets to know me more, loves me whether I do good stuff or bad stuff, just plain loves me.

I don't like that.

I have a really hard accepting that people might like all the parts of who I am. But the insanely freeing thing about that is that it's not about me in the first place. I'm starting to realize what it means to love God because he loved me first. I'm also starting to realize that entering into that sort of relationship means I don't have to "try so hard." I get to be with him, take part in what he's doing, marvel at how awesome the stuff he does is, be stoked that I get to be around when it happens. It really doesn't matter that I was there, it's his show I'm just stoked to be a part of the production.

The myth of movement

So, basically I was inspired by a couple of the students on this last Uganda trip to start blogging again. And, it's 4 am in Dubai and I have nothing else to do, so here goes. For those of you who will read this (what's up family?!) I take no responsibility for ridiculousness communicated in the next paragraph or so... I'm tired and slightly loopy.

This trip, overall, was amazing. The Uganda trip was incredible, we built a soccer field for the kids to play on (well, we finished what we could of it... turns out turning a marsh into a field is tougher than advertised), I flew down to South Africa, and basically bummed around for a bit. What was interesting about the trip, though, was the fact that this was so much more of an information overload than I expected.

When I was in South Africa I had the chance to check out the Museum Africa and the Apartheid Museum. More than other trips I was instantlty presented with the fact that I still really don't know anything. The myth of becoming "well traveled" is that once you do, you start to "get it." While I think that experience overseas is pretty much invaluable for having a well rounded perspective on how the world works, I do think there is a subtle danger that can start to creep in the more you do it. You become the traveler, the worldly wise, the rambler (sorry Kenny Rogers, I was rolling). You think that you understand things more than others do. But, the simple fact of the matter is, that even if you have a slightly better grip on things than your less traveled neighbor, you still don't really know enough to say you know anything.

In the apartheid museum, seeing such an intense and disturbing policy presented by those who lived through it made me realize that my understanding of that part of history was much more static than I wanted to admit. One part in particular hit me... as you transition from one hall to another there is a room with a countless number of nooses hanging from the ceiling to represent those who were executed during the apartheid regime. To bring you even further into the experience, the next room reconstructs the solitary confinement chambers that prisoners were forced to stay in. This one-two punch is probably one of the most impacting things I've experienced in the last year and it was a strong reminder that I've got a lot to learn about what has happened in the world and what continues to happen.

Anyway, South Africa was amazing, and it's still swirling around in my head. I honestly don't know what to make of it. Just lots to think about.