Saturday, May 21, 2011

Targets and other Misconceptions

I've chased a lot of stuff in my life. Some of it was stuff I'm glad I chased (education), some of it I figured out I didn't actually want (the navy), a lot of it was of the female persuasion. But a lot of my life has been shaped by a need to identify and chase goals. I want that job, I want that relationship, I want to be good at this or that. What's interesting about this process is that I rarely take the time to check and see if these pursuits are actually worth pursuing in the first place. It's usually about as simple as "that looks cool, let's try that" and suddenly develops a somewhat obsessive pursuit to make it happen.

Over the course of the last 10 years or so, I realized that the target was slowly becoming the chase itself. I was becoming less and less interested in the outcome, less and less concerned with enjoying the accomplishment, and more and more fixated on being successful in tracking something down, in proving that I could achieve the objective. I honestly think that's a large part of the reason that I've been pretty nomadic over the course of my post college years. It's not that I was running from anything, more that I wanted more stuff to run after.

That's really been changing over the last few years. I've felt really challenged to press into sustained investment. I used to think that the phrase "grow where you're planted" was a sort of challenge to prove that you could bloom anywhere. But growth is a process of seasons and years, not of a single flowering moment. I've looked at that phrase as a challenge, lately I feel like it's been an encouragement to continue to invest in the places I am, not where I might be.

My accomplishment focused brain doesn't take to this particularly well. Long term investment, like anything that you do for a period of time, goes through highs and lows, exciting and dull points. I don't handle the stagnancy well. But there's growing to be done there too. Valuable growth that I take for granted. The kind that brings out patience, faith, trust. Stuff I definitely need more of and need to appreciate developing. Basically I need to be ok with seasons where the target isn't immediately obvious and to realize that sometimes that's the point.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Graduation

It's the last week of classes at the school I teach at and all of the customary pomp and circumstance is in full swing. Prom, baccalaureate, senior business week, senior trip, graduation. The class graduating this year is the first class I ever taught so I've been involved in the process a bit more than usual. It's pretty incredible to experience all of this from the other side. It's incredible to realize how little any of us knew or how little any of us know now.

We (americans? christians? people?) have this tendency to build milestone moments into our lives as sort of declarations that it's time to make important transitions. "You're 18, now you're an adult!" "You've graduated, time to talk school seriously/get a job!" and I've watched so many of the kids this week carry this look or demeanor that they've arrived, that they feel they finally have inherently made it. But why? Why do we create that expectation. Why do we place this burden of expectation on everything.

I remember thinking after I graduated from high school that it was time to be serious (that didn't last long). I remember after graduating from college thinking it was time to get married, since that's what everyone in my family had done before me (why? I didn't particularly want or feel ready to be married). I remember thinking after I got out of the Navy that I had to jump instantly into a new career (took a couple tries).

So much of this expectation is self imposed. We see movies that portray life in a certain way, read books that describe how it should be done, listen to songs that describe certain things as constants and then we desperately try to get everything to fall in line with these supposedly universal timelines.

This is all really stupid.

We put all this pressure on people to figure everything out, but maybe part of their individual development is actually just appreciating time spent in a place of uncertainty.

Now I'm not necessarily advocating the whole live with your parents at 28 without a job thing. I think you can make money while you're doing this. But why are people so obsessed with the whole cookie cutter thing.

The greatest thing I think that I've ever seen anyone figure out is that there is real freedom in completely following your own unique path. In doing things in a way that completely throws out the standard script and runs with something different. My friend Emmet has a business degree, a masters from Fuller, was a house painter forever, and is a missionary now. That's such a different timeline than anyone else I've known has been on, but it so completely reflects who he is and how God's worked with him. I think it would be hilarious if Emmet wrote a book on the life he's lived from the perspective that everyone should do it the exact same way. First, because I'd love to see people try. Second, because I can't see it work for anyone else. Third, because the tangent stories are hilarious. We can't live lives for others, much less tell them exactly how to make it work... so why do we keep acting like we can?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Digital Disconnect

So I bailed on the iPhone. My phone was starting to glitch and faced with the prospect of having to fork over another 300 dollars to replace the thing, I started evaluating whether or not it was actually worth it. After a lot of thought/prayer/etc. I finally decided to bail on it. It's crazy how happy I've been with the decision.

I'm startled by how much time I spent on the thing.

I had a sense before, sure, mostly because my friends would give me crap about it. But not having it anymore, I'm keenly aware of how often I reach for it as a sort of security blanket, a digital fix to provide a virtual escape when my actual surroundings become intimidating. I have this real tendency to retreat when things become uncomfortable (hence the reason I ninja out of parties as opposed to actually saying goodbye to people) and the iPhone provided a ready retreat. As a result, I found there were a lot of times were I felt like I had no idea how to engage with people. I was so comfortable avoiding that when it wasn't an option, I wasn't totally sure what to do.

I think in a lot of ways I find these comfort touch points in my life. Places that I can run to if I don't want to be stretched/uncomfortable/etc. But I feel like that's a slow death that leads into an exceptionally boring life. I don't want that. I'd rather be challenged and out of my mind frustrated and growing than comfortable all the time and slowly becoming an entrenched personality with no room for growth.

Basically I'm trying to shrug off all of the things that bring out the especially ADD aspects of my personality. It's been good so far, but I feel like it's going to take some intentional work to really step back out into community, conversation, etc.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Comfortably Alone

About halfway through the UK trip, towards the end of our stay in Edinburgh, I found myself restless like nobody's business. It was the kind of feeling that you get when you're a kid and you just feel like running. Simply running, in any direction, as fast as you can. My dad was crashing, but the city was still awake, so I grabbed my jacket, my ipod, threw on my shoes, and headed out the door.

There's something about walks alone in unfamiliar places. There's so much to process. Everything is new. Everything looks different, ominous, and alive at night. I literally just set out. I didn't have a particular destination in mind or any particular reason for walking. I just wanted to get out in the open and cruise... see where the city led me as I got sucked into the current of the late evening.

It's hard to describe what I felt that night, pretty much the only night that I set out on my own and explored. It was something like the feeling you get when you're doing something you love and you're just kind of flowing in it. That feeling that you're integrated into something you were made or meant to do. What's so incredible about that is the fact that a couple years ago that moment would have been dominated by frustration with being alone. I don't feel that way any more. I kind of love it. Don't get me wrong, I love being around people still, but there's something so satisfied about being unhindered and active, setting out on a path that you will walk on alone.

I think in a lot of ways, this also points to a larger issue that God's working out in my life that was continued with the Beatles tour (see earlier post). I think there's an inherent fear that arrives when we're alone (i.e. is this permanent, can I hack it, would others approve) that erodes our confidence and holds us back from the adventure we could experience if only we had the guts to take it on.

I'm ready for more of those "here we go" moments. Those first steps that you have to take alone where you literally have no idea where you'll be led and who you'll meet along the way. Whether that's more work in Africa, or Thailand, or coaching, or even something completely different, I'm down to be boldly uncertain.

You say you want a revolution...

So, this just might be the start of an incessant stream of blog posts. Apologies to start: if you aren't in for my stream of consciousness ramblings, there's no offense taken. Feel free to surf your way on and I'll be happy as a clam. I realized the other day when my friend Audrey commented on fb that I hadn't written a single blog post over the last month. This, in reflection, seems odd since I started this blog to have a place to reflect on the things that I learned while traveling and I've been traveling for the past month. Why the silence? Well, to be honest, I haven't really been ready to verbalize any of it up to this point. But over the course of the past week I've realized that there's a lot that's really solidified for me, so here we go. There will probably be a lot of these. Consistent readers, thanks for your patience (hi mom).

Over the past month I've been a bit of all over the place. I went to York, Edinburgh, Liverpool, and London with my dad and Bangkok and Udon Thani with a group from my school. It's all kind of been a blur, this long mashup of different experiences, but it's one of the best travel spells I've been on in a long time. One of those good for the soul experiences that stands out. When we were in Liverpool (my dad and I) we found ourselves gravitating towards a lot of the Beatles themed experiences. The Beatles are one of those bands we've always bonded over. Abeey Road is one of my dad's favorite albums and my first introduction to rock 'n' roll. What was interesting is how much the experience changed my perception of the band.

You see, I've always been more of Paul fan than anything else. I thought he had a musicality that was unrivaled, I really dug his lyrics, felt like he was the glue that held the band together. I couldn't be farther from that opinion now.

John's my favorite, no question.

Moving through the beatles museums and galleries and experiences I realized that Paul literally spent his entire life trying to please everyone, making art that would appeal to everyone. He was the accessible one, the one who wrote music that warmed your soul but never really challenged you. John was the polar opposite: the rebel who refused to be edited, to change who he was for critical reception. This manifested itself in so many ways across the span of his life. Early on he was the snarky jokester using sarcasm to communicate his opinions. Later he was the defiant protester, questioning the status quo and confidently speaking his mind. And the more I saw John being true to who he was, the more disillusioned I became with Paul.

I'm way too much like Paul.

The single thought that resonated with me over and over again in Liverpool was that nobody likes you if you rock the boat, but it's hard to look at yourself in the mirror if you don't. You see, for whatever reason, God made me the person that I am and I don't think it was to placate people. I'm way to afraid of tension/friction... always trying to consider every member of the community and the problem with that is I'll never truly have the impact I could if I'm constantly trying to filter myself down into a version that doesn't offend anyone. I need to be me, people will be offended, that's ok.

I disagree with a lot of what Lennon said, but man I respect the fact that he never filtered himself, never shyed away from speaking out against what he didn't approve of. I'm at a point where that's what I want. I'd rather speak my mind and be accepted and rejected for what I really believe than try to placate everyone I meet. I'm tired of being digestible, safe, widely accepted. There needs to be tension otherwise nothing in this world will ever change and if nothing ever changes what's the point of being here in the first place.