It's a classic 80s formula. Teen/kid decides his or her life is unsatisfactory, figures out that changing their personality would fix everything, makes the change, realizes that who they were was what's important. Everyone ends up happy. See Can't Buy Me Love, Lucas (to a certain extent), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if you believe the theory that the whole thing happens in Cameron's head... look it up, it's trippy). It's a fairly well accepted and overused film convention. What's interesting, though, is that for as much as we understand that basic premise so many of us completely ignore it. In the desperate, scrambling search for value and acceptance that we're all on we constantly adapt who we are to gain approval.
I was thinking about this in church last week. The pastor, in perhaps the strongest moment of his sermon, said that the ways in which you pursue friends and community will define the ways that you pursue God. That floored me. I've been aware for a long time that I have a tendency to modify my personality to fit whatever group I'm around (to the thinkers i'm a thinker, to the cynics I'm a cynic, to the hipsters I'm a hipster) but I've never thought about the fact that I have done the same thing with God for the better part of my life. In my pursuit of the Almighty I have consistently been who I thought he wanted me to be when I interacted and not who I actually was. This seems ridiculous when considering that he made me and knows me better than anyone else no matter how I'm acting. But still... that's pretty much what I do.
Instead of just being the real, flawed, broken, messed up person I am I try to approach God wearing a lot of different hats. To varying degrees I try to act like a monk, saint, pastor, worship leader. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it essentially means that my relationship with God is based on a sham... a sham that I'm continually constructing and deconstructing. What's the point of that? What's the point in acting somber, penitent, etc. if I'm not really feeling that way at the time. I want to pursue God with integrity and a lot of times that means being honest about the fact that sometimes I don't feel like pursuing him at all because I'm human and, well, sinful. I knew a pastor once who used to say something along the lines of "Every other Monday I don't believe in God" That's alarming to hear a pastor say. But it's so honest. It so completely reveals the complexity of where he's at and where he's at with God. That's what I'm searching for. I'm trying to get to a place where, more than with anyone else, when I approach God I approach him as myself.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Patriotism and Church, Church and Patriotism
So I went to a new church on Sunday, which for the purposes of this post will remain nameless and I really liked it. Overall I thought that it was really good. The community was diverse on pretty much every level and the sermon was solid, if a little fluff-ish. But there was something that kind of put me off in the service that I've been mulling over for the past couple of days. In the middle of the worship set, the worship team broke into "America the Beautiful" and asked the congregation to "sing it to Jesus." Now, granted, it was the ten year anniversary of 9/11 and the song does pointedly reference God's grace, but the whole thing kind of came across as just, well, wrong. While I'm hugely thankful for the unique freedoms and opportunities that are afforded me spiritually just by living in this country, singing a song that espouses how awesome the country is in the middle of a worship set just seems messed up to me. We already struggle enough with a misplaced sense that being an American makes you inherently more Christian, why push that further by trying to turn a song about America's worth into a worship moment. It just seems like an easy way to reinforce that mindset.
We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.
We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.
Monday, August 15, 2011
First Day Back to School
It's always interesting on the first day back. People get all over the place concerned about really random stuff. You see the parents freaking about about their babies growing up and taking another step. You see the kids freaking out about the year and how things are going to work out. You see the new kids feeling like they don't know how to fit in or how to define themselves. It's this crazy hustle and bustle that is pretty much exactly the same every year. It's this flailing attempt to figure out who you are, who you want to be, who your friends are going to be, what you're going to do, where you're going to go. It's a feeling that's rarely replicated but it's really interesting to see. People are very very desperate to latch on to community in that sort of situation. They want to find people who they can really connect with and who they can truly feel safe with. What's interesting though is that it's incredibly insulated. It's this sort of... whew I found my friends, they're mine, I'm safe, now I can make it through the day. It's going to be ok. I really don't have to worry about anything too much. What's interesting about this is this is basically how I view all my groups of friends, but I don't have an annual reminder to show me that I'm doing it.
I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.
I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Posturing or Fronting or Whatever you want to call it...
I've become way more aware of the fact that I try way too hard to establish myself. I don't know where this trend came from but I fall into it super easily. It's this whole subconscious attempt to let people know who I am. I AM IMPORTANT! I am intelligent! I am strong! Why? It's this endless game of trying to passively gain other respect. It's an overflow of the type of insecurity that strikes and makes you concerned that other people don't give you enough credit that other people don't value your worth enough.
I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.
I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thoughts on Tree of Life
So I saw Tree of Life yesterday. And it was alarming and tense and inscrutable and random and kind of a mess at times.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Overexposure and Excess of Influence. Geez this title is pretentious...
So I've never really been big on illegally downloading music. Sure I've done it, but it never really sat right with me. Especially having known struggling musicians who were just trying to get by, I know how important it is towards the livelihood of a band to gain some traction with sales. So, most of the time, if I like a band I buy their stuff. But there's something interesting that's been happening over the last year or so that is really changing the landscape of how this all works. People really aren't charging for music quite as much as they used to.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Friday, July 22, 2011
1, 2, 3... hold on 3 and then go or go on 3?
Fear can be a funny thing. It can lock us up to the point that we avoid the things in our life that might be the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most amazing. We lock ourselves into these places we call responsibility, stability, sensibility in a sort of comfortable rationalization that keeps us from ever discovering the epic that might be out there if only we had the gumption to take it.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
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