Freedom is a weird thing when it comes to worship. It's something I've experienced when in the assembly (audience? church body? i dunno) but hadn't really ever experienced when leading. You're so worried about the technique and what the band is doing and hitting the right chords and being sensitive to what God is doing. At least this is the sort of methodical practice that I've fairly consistently gone into in the past. I'd lead with a real focus on trying to do it well. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that per say. I truly believe that leading in an intentional way is extremely important. But a funny thing happened last week. I felt like the Holy Spirit just unleashed. I mean truly started to do some business in the High School I lead worship at. It was amazing, there's a part of me that still get's physically excited when I think about it.
I want that again... I want it again soon
But the funny thing is I'm super tempted to do the exact kind of stuff over again to try and duplicate the experience. Which, I think, is dangerous because it places a greater value on the process than the fact that God needs to move within the process to unleash that sort of freedom.
I want to trust Him, but I fall all over myself trying to get there
This has largely been a season of learning to be obedient with truly ridiculous things. I wouldn't be surprised at all if tomorrow God asked me to move, or change jobs, or shave my head. I'm not saying any of those things are going to happen, it's just been that type of season. And through that I've been learning that when God shows up it's best to just get out of the way. To step into the holy flood of what he's pouring out instead of trying to channel it or move it or shape it. I really want to experience more of that flood. Because I suck on doing stuff on my own.
I have an inflated view of my own ability to impact others
That being said, I'm so grateful for the fact that God still uses this cocky broken spaz of an individual and I pray that this is a season of his Spirit being poured out in a mighty way on the school. Because, it'd be pretty cool if a bunch of students started experiencing His presence in gnarly ways and then everyone would just have to deal with that. I'd be a fan.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wordy 30
I was at Small Bar in Normal Heights (I think it's in Normal Heights, the longer I spend away from greater SD the hazier it all is to me) celebrating Antony's successful completion of his doctorate and talking to Casey. (That is a long, long sentence. I don't advocated sentences of that length in principle, but I'm going to let it slide). We spent a decent chunk of time talking about what we were reading and for a brief moment it skewed to the topic of identity.
I've spent the better part of the last decade being advised to "be myself" and having absolutely no idea what that means. I've been prolific at acting like other people, genres, cultures but when it came down to who I was, I was in the dark. Cue my 30th birthday and I'm realizing more and more that to a certain extent I've arrived. Arrived at a fairly concrete feeling of who I am. What's funny is I don't know if I could describe that person if you asked me. For the first time, though, I am acutely aware of when I'm acting like myself or the opposite for that matter. There's a place of confidence and comfort that I'm much more aware of than I was before. I still break away from that place and I can still fairly easily into the trap of being who I think people want me to be. But now when that happens it's much more uncomfortable that it used to be. In the past these moments felt like escapes. Now it just feels inauthentic.
I saw Scott Pilgrim last night for the second time and realized that one of the reasons I like this movie so much is that, at the end, it's about coming to a point when you are fighting for yourself. Not to be liked by others, not to be successful in relationships, not to accomplish anything in particular, but to fight to be true to what you value, what is important to me. I'm still amazed that they pulled that off in a movie where at one point a digitized yeti fights twin dragons in a battle of the bands. (I'm amazed because the whole scene is stinking amazing, but that's neither here nor there).
The great thing about all this is that you end up in a very real set of genuine relationships that are meaningful because you realize that you're engaging with the people who truly know you and who like you for who you are. That's incredible because I'm starting to lose that fear of people figuring out who I am and bailing. If I'm just myself from the beginning and they stick around those people are either truly my friends or just very unaware. That second option seems much more unlikely the older I get.
All this has happened when God has kind of thrown me into a season of learning to receive and accept his complete and unconditional love. To realize that He was the first to love me where I was at and the one who loves me better in that place than anyone else. So I'm trying to continue down this road of authenticity, doing what God leads me to do, being ok with not doing what he doesn't lead me to do, and being completely ok with people not liking what I do/who I am as long as those choices and that personality is true to me.
The scary thing is I'm starting to feel like an adult, which is something I've avoided for quite sometime and seems to be much more "real" than I expected. But hey, anything good in life is probably going to be scary, so I'm pretty amped to see what this decade holds.
I've spent the better part of the last decade being advised to "be myself" and having absolutely no idea what that means. I've been prolific at acting like other people, genres, cultures but when it came down to who I was, I was in the dark. Cue my 30th birthday and I'm realizing more and more that to a certain extent I've arrived. Arrived at a fairly concrete feeling of who I am. What's funny is I don't know if I could describe that person if you asked me. For the first time, though, I am acutely aware of when I'm acting like myself or the opposite for that matter. There's a place of confidence and comfort that I'm much more aware of than I was before. I still break away from that place and I can still fairly easily into the trap of being who I think people want me to be. But now when that happens it's much more uncomfortable that it used to be. In the past these moments felt like escapes. Now it just feels inauthentic.
I saw Scott Pilgrim last night for the second time and realized that one of the reasons I like this movie so much is that, at the end, it's about coming to a point when you are fighting for yourself. Not to be liked by others, not to be successful in relationships, not to accomplish anything in particular, but to fight to be true to what you value, what is important to me. I'm still amazed that they pulled that off in a movie where at one point a digitized yeti fights twin dragons in a battle of the bands. (I'm amazed because the whole scene is stinking amazing, but that's neither here nor there).
The great thing about all this is that you end up in a very real set of genuine relationships that are meaningful because you realize that you're engaging with the people who truly know you and who like you for who you are. That's incredible because I'm starting to lose that fear of people figuring out who I am and bailing. If I'm just myself from the beginning and they stick around those people are either truly my friends or just very unaware. That second option seems much more unlikely the older I get.
All this has happened when God has kind of thrown me into a season of learning to receive and accept his complete and unconditional love. To realize that He was the first to love me where I was at and the one who loves me better in that place than anyone else. So I'm trying to continue down this road of authenticity, doing what God leads me to do, being ok with not doing what he doesn't lead me to do, and being completely ok with people not liking what I do/who I am as long as those choices and that personality is true to me.
The scary thing is I'm starting to feel like an adult, which is something I've avoided for quite sometime and seems to be much more "real" than I expected. But hey, anything good in life is probably going to be scary, so I'm pretty amped to see what this decade holds.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
30 for 30
Author's note: I started this months ago and then gave up on it. Was reminded of it last night hanging out at Antony's birthday party. 30 songs that represent the last 30 years.
****************************************************************************************
So a couple of significan things happened over the last couple of weeks. I turned 30. I had a couple of fairly profound experiences with God. And my car was broken into and my laptop was stolen. All of these things have worked together to put me into something of a reflective mood. Not in my typical emo sort of way, but more of a reflective interest in where I'm at and where I've been. When I first found out my laptop was gone I instantly thought about the music that I had lost (not all of my music was on my iPhone) and I wondered which music I would replace once I had the chance. So I thought it might be interesting to choose the 30 songs that I would pick if I could only replace 30 songs. 30 songs that were important to me. 30 songs that I wanted to hang onto.
These aren't in any particular order. I picked them and then randomized them:
"Best Imitation of Myself" by Ben Folds - Very early in discovering music (I had a very sheltered musical experience in high school) I stumbled across Ben Folds. When I graduated from college I moved into my first apartment and ended up about a block away from my first indie record store. I found the Ben Folds Live CD and was almost instantly hooked. This is easily my favorite track of that album.
"Inaction" by We Are Scientists - W.A.S. is still my favorite small club experience. I love how this song balances regret with a song that's clearly having a good time... i don't get it when people don't relate to that feeling.
"On Your Side" by Pete Yorn - I still remember when this album came out feeling like "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!' but at that point Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands, so it may have just been because my horizons were expanding. Pete Yorn never did anything as good as this album again.
"You're Everything" by David Crowder Band - I honestly didn't like worship music before I heard this song... thought it was all sort of forced. I really appreciate how raw DCB albums were during that era and this song's no exception.
"Goodbye Sky Harbor" by Jimmy Eat World - Jimmy Eat World writes some amazing songs. What's incredibly frustrating is that most of the time they choose not to. G.S.H. has a soaring chorus, killer harmonies, is freakishly emotive and then strips it all down to nothing before building back up in a crazy crescendo. The only song i'll spend 16 uninterrupted minutes on. This is the first album to get me obsessed... to many replays to count
"Lost Cause" by Beck - Sea Change is my favorite Beck album, hands down. It's stripped down, it's melodic, it's emo in the best possible way. I really wish he did more stuff like this. "Lost Cause" also represents that part of me that has always enjoyed the hopelessly hopeful or hopefully hopeless... not sure.
"Float On" by Modest Mouse - In the midst of a 6 month stint in the Arabian Gulf, I discovered Modest Mouse in a record store in Bahrain. This song provided escape and was essentially my first true introduction to indie.
"Hip Hop Saved My Life" by Lupe Fiasco - Maybe my favorite type of hip hop, the kind that crafts an interesting story. There's nothing new here, rapper seeks to make it big, does so, gets self and family into new digs. But there's something about the way that Lupe tells the whole story that makes it interesting. There's a youthful optimism here, he's enjoying himself, and that's an infectious feeling.
"This Modern Love" by Bloc Party - I am an unabashed Bloc Party fan... I will say this. The combination of self deprecation and soaring confindence always gets me. I love how this is, i guess, a sort of love song, but it's also a brutally honest confession of not being able to help yourself in a relationship that probably shouldn't be happening in the first place.
"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West - Up until this point I'd only really heard whatever rap was on the radio and dc Talk (yes, I just admitted that). And then I heard Jesus Walks for the first time and it was over. I love the marching cadence that backs the track, I love how relevant the message is, and I love that, thanks to this song, I got into Jay Z, Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def, Q-Tip, Digable Planets, Lupe, Outkast, The Roots, etc...
"Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley - Jeff Buckley is a monster... just destroys everything he sings and plays. I was hanging out at a party in Azusa talking music with a friend of my sister's and he was like, "Dude, you should check out Jeff Buckley" and I've never gotten hooked on a singer/track so fast... I think I put this on every mix CD I made for a good two years. Also indirectly my introduction to folk... strange I know.
"Cannonball" by Damien Rice - This represents the phase when I was buying pretty much everything I could find online. I'm kind of convinced that English/Scottish/Irish people are much better at conveying angst than Americans are. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but I think in large part it's true. Cannonball is one of those tracks that makes you feel good about feeling bad... or bad about feeling good. Not sure which. But it's still one of my favorite acoustic songs ever.
"Guernica" by Brand New - This is the song that hooked me on Brand New... a band that doesn't make nearly enough music and makes some really horrible decisions at times (Daisy? anyone?!)... I feel like most of the screamo I hear is getting worked up over nothing, i.e. yeah yeah yeah your girlfriend broke your heart, it's not worth getting "that" worked up over. But screamo about dealing with losing a loved one to cancer, now you've got my attention. Reminds me of the days living in the Mentone house with the guys from PLV.
"Red & Blue Jeans" by the Promise Ring - One of those songs from the year I discovered music (1999) that made me realize that I was way behind the power curve. Maybe one of the most underrated bands ever. It's one of those songs that showed me that you could have an amazing song with only two lines of lyrics... they just have to be very effective lyrics.
"Lightness" by Death Cab for Cutie - Dave Teves introduced me to Death Cab because Dave Teves has amazing taste in music. Another one of those albums that I downloaded prior to leaving for the Arabian gulf. I used to listen to this one on repeat, laying in my bed... total escape from the confinement of the ship.
"All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers - I have this thing for resilience and for defiance and the underdog and rising up. This song kind of represents all of those things.
"Blindsided" by Bon Iver - This is actually the song that got me to really start writing music again. I just appreciated so much his ability to create sparse and potent atmosphere.
"Chocolate" by Snow Patrol - Represents the point when I realized that the navy wasn't going to be a long term thing for me but had no idea where to go from there.
"Check the Rhime" by Tribe Called Quest - The song that started my exploration of all the rap that I'd missed. Tribe can't be beat.
"A Day in the Life" by the Beatles - One of the songs that my dad played for me early and often. I couldn't get over how complex it was. Also made me love vinyl.
"Don't Worry Baby" by the Beach Boys - Tried to figure out the harmonies for hours on hours when I was 10. Recorded myself, couldn't ever get it. Still can't harmonize. Oh well.
"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead - My buddy Dan made a mixtape for me as a graduation present. Had no idea who radiohead were but used to play this song every day after work. Wasn't long before I was stuck on Radiohead.
"First Breath after Coma" by Explosions in the Sky - Introduced to the band while looking through a record store by a clerk who was realllly out of it. Explosions are so cinematic. Reminds me of making Coast Videos with Casey
"The Good Fight" by Dashboard Confessional - I went through a 3 year Dashboard phase. That is all.
"John Wayne Gacy Jr." by Sufjan Stevens - I'm still amazed that Sufjan can take the most horrific subject matter and make it staggeringly poetic and beautiful. This is the kind of writer I'd like to be someday.
"Lost in the Supermarket" by the Clash - The first album I bought because I was "supposed to." That didn't stop me from loving it.
"The Modern Leper" by Frightened Rabbit - Where I'm at with music now
"Shiver" by Coldplay - My last year at the Naval Academy when all my friends were getting hitched and I was driving to a lot of weddings... this was the soundtrack.
"They Care" by Justin McRoberts - Justin's pretty much the only Christian artist (outside of Sufjan) that I still enjoy. This is the stuff I learned to play guitar to.
"Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding - My latest interest/phase/fix ... I love soul.
****************************************************************************************
So a couple of significan things happened over the last couple of weeks. I turned 30. I had a couple of fairly profound experiences with God. And my car was broken into and my laptop was stolen. All of these things have worked together to put me into something of a reflective mood. Not in my typical emo sort of way, but more of a reflective interest in where I'm at and where I've been. When I first found out my laptop was gone I instantly thought about the music that I had lost (not all of my music was on my iPhone) and I wondered which music I would replace once I had the chance. So I thought it might be interesting to choose the 30 songs that I would pick if I could only replace 30 songs. 30 songs that were important to me. 30 songs that I wanted to hang onto.
These aren't in any particular order. I picked them and then randomized them:
"Best Imitation of Myself" by Ben Folds - Very early in discovering music (I had a very sheltered musical experience in high school) I stumbled across Ben Folds. When I graduated from college I moved into my first apartment and ended up about a block away from my first indie record store. I found the Ben Folds Live CD and was almost instantly hooked. This is easily my favorite track of that album.
"Inaction" by We Are Scientists - W.A.S. is still my favorite small club experience. I love how this song balances regret with a song that's clearly having a good time... i don't get it when people don't relate to that feeling.
"On Your Side" by Pete Yorn - I still remember when this album came out feeling like "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!' but at that point Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands, so it may have just been because my horizons were expanding. Pete Yorn never did anything as good as this album again.
"You're Everything" by David Crowder Band - I honestly didn't like worship music before I heard this song... thought it was all sort of forced. I really appreciate how raw DCB albums were during that era and this song's no exception.
"Goodbye Sky Harbor" by Jimmy Eat World - Jimmy Eat World writes some amazing songs. What's incredibly frustrating is that most of the time they choose not to. G.S.H. has a soaring chorus, killer harmonies, is freakishly emotive and then strips it all down to nothing before building back up in a crazy crescendo. The only song i'll spend 16 uninterrupted minutes on. This is the first album to get me obsessed... to many replays to count
"Lost Cause" by Beck - Sea Change is my favorite Beck album, hands down. It's stripped down, it's melodic, it's emo in the best possible way. I really wish he did more stuff like this. "Lost Cause" also represents that part of me that has always enjoyed the hopelessly hopeful or hopefully hopeless... not sure.
"Float On" by Modest Mouse - In the midst of a 6 month stint in the Arabian Gulf, I discovered Modest Mouse in a record store in Bahrain. This song provided escape and was essentially my first true introduction to indie.
"Hip Hop Saved My Life" by Lupe Fiasco - Maybe my favorite type of hip hop, the kind that crafts an interesting story. There's nothing new here, rapper seeks to make it big, does so, gets self and family into new digs. But there's something about the way that Lupe tells the whole story that makes it interesting. There's a youthful optimism here, he's enjoying himself, and that's an infectious feeling.
"This Modern Love" by Bloc Party - I am an unabashed Bloc Party fan... I will say this. The combination of self deprecation and soaring confindence always gets me. I love how this is, i guess, a sort of love song, but it's also a brutally honest confession of not being able to help yourself in a relationship that probably shouldn't be happening in the first place.
"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West - Up until this point I'd only really heard whatever rap was on the radio and dc Talk (yes, I just admitted that). And then I heard Jesus Walks for the first time and it was over. I love the marching cadence that backs the track, I love how relevant the message is, and I love that, thanks to this song, I got into Jay Z, Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def, Q-Tip, Digable Planets, Lupe, Outkast, The Roots, etc...
"Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley - Jeff Buckley is a monster... just destroys everything he sings and plays. I was hanging out at a party in Azusa talking music with a friend of my sister's and he was like, "Dude, you should check out Jeff Buckley" and I've never gotten hooked on a singer/track so fast... I think I put this on every mix CD I made for a good two years. Also indirectly my introduction to folk... strange I know.
"Cannonball" by Damien Rice - This represents the phase when I was buying pretty much everything I could find online. I'm kind of convinced that English/Scottish/Irish people are much better at conveying angst than Americans are. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but I think in large part it's true. Cannonball is one of those tracks that makes you feel good about feeling bad... or bad about feeling good. Not sure which. But it's still one of my favorite acoustic songs ever.
"Guernica" by Brand New - This is the song that hooked me on Brand New... a band that doesn't make nearly enough music and makes some really horrible decisions at times (Daisy? anyone?!)... I feel like most of the screamo I hear is getting worked up over nothing, i.e. yeah yeah yeah your girlfriend broke your heart, it's not worth getting "that" worked up over. But screamo about dealing with losing a loved one to cancer, now you've got my attention. Reminds me of the days living in the Mentone house with the guys from PLV.
"Red & Blue Jeans" by the Promise Ring - One of those songs from the year I discovered music (1999) that made me realize that I was way behind the power curve. Maybe one of the most underrated bands ever. It's one of those songs that showed me that you could have an amazing song with only two lines of lyrics... they just have to be very effective lyrics.
"Lightness" by Death Cab for Cutie - Dave Teves introduced me to Death Cab because Dave Teves has amazing taste in music. Another one of those albums that I downloaded prior to leaving for the Arabian gulf. I used to listen to this one on repeat, laying in my bed... total escape from the confinement of the ship.
"All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers - I have this thing for resilience and for defiance and the underdog and rising up. This song kind of represents all of those things.
"Blindsided" by Bon Iver - This is actually the song that got me to really start writing music again. I just appreciated so much his ability to create sparse and potent atmosphere.
"Chocolate" by Snow Patrol - Represents the point when I realized that the navy wasn't going to be a long term thing for me but had no idea where to go from there.
"Check the Rhime" by Tribe Called Quest - The song that started my exploration of all the rap that I'd missed. Tribe can't be beat.
"A Day in the Life" by the Beatles - One of the songs that my dad played for me early and often. I couldn't get over how complex it was. Also made me love vinyl.
"Don't Worry Baby" by the Beach Boys - Tried to figure out the harmonies for hours on hours when I was 10. Recorded myself, couldn't ever get it. Still can't harmonize. Oh well.
"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead - My buddy Dan made a mixtape for me as a graduation present. Had no idea who radiohead were but used to play this song every day after work. Wasn't long before I was stuck on Radiohead.
"First Breath after Coma" by Explosions in the Sky - Introduced to the band while looking through a record store by a clerk who was realllly out of it. Explosions are so cinematic. Reminds me of making Coast Videos with Casey
"The Good Fight" by Dashboard Confessional - I went through a 3 year Dashboard phase. That is all.
"John Wayne Gacy Jr." by Sufjan Stevens - I'm still amazed that Sufjan can take the most horrific subject matter and make it staggeringly poetic and beautiful. This is the kind of writer I'd like to be someday.
"Lost in the Supermarket" by the Clash - The first album I bought because I was "supposed to." That didn't stop me from loving it.
"The Modern Leper" by Frightened Rabbit - Where I'm at with music now
"Shiver" by Coldplay - My last year at the Naval Academy when all my friends were getting hitched and I was driving to a lot of weddings... this was the soundtrack.
"They Care" by Justin McRoberts - Justin's pretty much the only Christian artist (outside of Sufjan) that I still enjoy. This is the stuff I learned to play guitar to.
"Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding - My latest interest/phase/fix ... I love soul.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wrap up
I'm sitting in the business center of my hotel killing time before my ridiculously early flight tomorrow (540 am... yeesh). This has truly been an incredible trip. I had this sense ever since I first purchased a ticket that this was going to be one of those trips, those trips that God does big things on. But I had this idea that it was going to be stuff that I needed to do or not do. Things that I needed to cut out or things that I needed to pursue. I felt like this was one big launching trip. Some sort of spiritual vocational training session. Man oh man was that off.
I'm still mulling over how much time God spent working on me just getting rid of all the obligation crap I've been struggling with for so long (Cindy, sorry I just said crap, feel free to edit if you read this out loud to Isaac or Nathan, but I doubt that will happen). I've spent the better part of my life in this sort of plus or minus system that I created. And then I worshiped... or maybe feared is the better word, the God of my gut. I let guilt define my actions and I felt guilty about most things. I still wonder if all this is going to stick; this crazy and bizarre notion that I'm literally under no condemnation and that God's love literally has nothing to do with what I've done.
That's so cool and still so hard to wrap my brain around, I can't really believe it.
Anyway, that's what I've got. It's been an amazing trip. Thanks to Sean, Brang, Adam, Cindy, Jeff, and Aw for being amazing hosts. I'm not sure if you'll ever appreciate how important this trip really was to me.
I'm still mulling over how much time God spent working on me just getting rid of all the obligation crap I've been struggling with for so long (Cindy, sorry I just said crap, feel free to edit if you read this out loud to Isaac or Nathan, but I doubt that will happen). I've spent the better part of my life in this sort of plus or minus system that I created. And then I worshiped... or maybe feared is the better word, the God of my gut. I let guilt define my actions and I felt guilty about most things. I still wonder if all this is going to stick; this crazy and bizarre notion that I'm literally under no condemnation and that God's love literally has nothing to do with what I've done.
That's so cool and still so hard to wrap my brain around, I can't really believe it.
Anyway, that's what I've got. It's been an amazing trip. Thanks to Sean, Brang, Adam, Cindy, Jeff, and Aw for being amazing hosts. I'm not sure if you'll ever appreciate how important this trip really was to me.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
On proportion
Grappling a lot today with the comment in Colossians 4 that our conversation should be "full of grace seasoned with salt." I think I've spent the better part of my Christian life trying to be full of salt seasoned with grace. I spend way too much time thinking of how people should be, trying to be better myself, and constantly trying to push people towards better and then throwing in a pinch of "don't worry God did everything, there's grace there."
I miss the point way too often.
It's so hard but I want to live a life where grace always comes first and foremost. Where unconditional love is freely given and freely received and through that love we are challenged, grown, made better. Through that experience we learn through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit to be older, wiser, better. I don't know why I expect everyone around me to be perfect when, for the most part, I'm selfish and slow on the uptake when it comes to spiritual ideas.
Just a thought.
I miss the point way too often.
It's so hard but I want to live a life where grace always comes first and foremost. Where unconditional love is freely given and freely received and through that love we are challenged, grown, made better. Through that experience we learn through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit to be older, wiser, better. I don't know why I expect everyone around me to be perfect when, for the most part, I'm selfish and slow on the uptake when it comes to spiritual ideas.
Just a thought.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Geek/Nerdish Observations
So, I've been reading a lot while I've been in Thailand. I forgot how much I love it. Lot's of different stuff... some fiction, some nonfiction. But over the last couple days I've been rereading The Lord of the Rings. It's still a favorite and it was kind of the perfect cap to this trip.
This trip has been spiritually and emotionally heavy in the best possible way. I'm so thankful for the Heines and the way they created a space to just live life. To let God do his thing. I'm also incredibly thankful for the fact that their house has quite a few features that lend themselves to a spiritual retreat
1) No Cable -- I don't even want to think about how much time I waste on TV
2) Lots of good places to read -- Nooks, corners, comfortable couches... fan
3) Life is happening -- No matter how hard I try to be self-absorbed, you get swept into community here. I really like that.
So, all that to say, I've kind of been in an ideal spot for reading, reflection, and letting God do His thing. And He's been working me pretty hard (see previous posts). I was telling Adam tonight that it's been an experience that doesn't feel as "emotional" as other life changing experiences, but it feels more substantial for some reason. Like I feel this week down to my marrow.
What does any of this have to do with The Lord of the Rings?
Well, there's this small part at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring where Gandalf is talking to Frodo (Nerd Alert! Just in case the title wasn't enough warning) and Gandalf notices that the experience that Frodo has just gone through seemed to have produced a change in Frodo. Like Frodo had become slightly more transparent. That's, I think, the closest to how I feel now. This wasn't a week for big declarations or huge emotional breakdowns. But I feel... changed. I feel like this week was a long time coming. I'd essentially fallen into the rut of my own idiosyncrasies over the last couple of months and years and I was badly overdue for a shake up (Note: if you're cruising along doing what you've been doing for a while, you're most likely missing something/in need of a wake up call/in need of refocus/all of the above). So, all that to say, I'm grateful for the change and I'm eager for the adventure ahead, whatever that is. I don't know what God is prepping me for if anything, but I'm so thankful for this time.
This trip has been spiritually and emotionally heavy in the best possible way. I'm so thankful for the Heines and the way they created a space to just live life. To let God do his thing. I'm also incredibly thankful for the fact that their house has quite a few features that lend themselves to a spiritual retreat
1) No Cable -- I don't even want to think about how much time I waste on TV
2) Lots of good places to read -- Nooks, corners, comfortable couches... fan
3) Life is happening -- No matter how hard I try to be self-absorbed, you get swept into community here. I really like that.
So, all that to say, I've kind of been in an ideal spot for reading, reflection, and letting God do His thing. And He's been working me pretty hard (see previous posts). I was telling Adam tonight that it's been an experience that doesn't feel as "emotional" as other life changing experiences, but it feels more substantial for some reason. Like I feel this week down to my marrow.
What does any of this have to do with The Lord of the Rings?
Well, there's this small part at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring where Gandalf is talking to Frodo (Nerd Alert! Just in case the title wasn't enough warning) and Gandalf notices that the experience that Frodo has just gone through seemed to have produced a change in Frodo. Like Frodo had become slightly more transparent. That's, I think, the closest to how I feel now. This wasn't a week for big declarations or huge emotional breakdowns. But I feel... changed. I feel like this week was a long time coming. I'd essentially fallen into the rut of my own idiosyncrasies over the last couple of months and years and I was badly overdue for a shake up (Note: if you're cruising along doing what you've been doing for a while, you're most likely missing something/in need of a wake up call/in need of refocus/all of the above). So, all that to say, I'm grateful for the change and I'm eager for the adventure ahead, whatever that is. I don't know what God is prepping me for if anything, but I'm so thankful for this time.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Getting Over Stuff
So, I was reading Romans this morning, which is a bit like having Pot Roast for breakfast (delicious sure, but sits on your ribs like a lead weight, hard to shake). And I read that oft quoted verse "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1) and I realized that I used to really dislike this verse. It seemed to easy. Surely we had to be held accountable for stuff. Isn't that the whole point of crowns in heaven? I'm a way better Christian than that guy over there... surely that's going to come up in heaven? And if I mess up, then God's going to hold me accountable.
This attitude, for the better part of the last ten years has resulted in a mindset that God has a ladder that I am constantly climbing and when I mess up, He moves me down the ladder, and if I mess up too bad, He'll knock me off of the ladder all together.
This is so bent!
I'm realizing more and more on this trip that my behavior has zip, zilch, zero, nada to do with my position in God's eyes, the value that he has for me. I'm messed up, I'm going to mess up more, but God loves me all the same. And the fruit that I have in my life has little to do with me, if anything. That fruit, all the good stuff that I do, is a manifestation of the Spirit in my and a natural result of learning to love God. If I do good stuff, it's because he made it possible, part of this journey of getting closer to Him in relationship. It has nothing to do with whether I'm better or worse at being a Christian than anyone else. It also makes me realize that the path to victory over sin is not in discipline (sure that helps, but if there is no love, no heart for Christ behind it, then who cares?) but in learning to receive his love and loving him more. The closer I get to God, the more victory I see in my life as a natural overflow of his Spirit. The farther I get away, the easier it is to stumble.
I think this is why so many times that I have "sworn off" a particular sin, I've been so unsuccessful. Those moments aren't about getting closer to God, they're about me making declarations on what I can do. I can't overcome sin. There's no way. I'm gonna choose sin every single time if it's just on me. But if I draw closer to God, develop in my relationship with Him, learn to love Him, that stuff gets easier and easier.
One last example: I used to memorize scripture because I saw it as some sort of weapon that I could use, like I was developing a Spiritual utility belt. "What's up temptation?! You want some?!!?!" I'd shout and then I'd blast temptation with an appropriate verse, probably from something Paul wrote. I used Jesus overcoming temptation in the desert as a touchstone. "See! It worked for Him!" But what I missed was the fact that when Jesus quoted those verses he wasn't using them like some sort of talisman or secret weapon, he was reminding Satan of the blessings that he had in God. The power that his Father had given Him. The love that the Father had shown. He spoke of those scriptures of statements of the true nature of who he was and what the Father had for him. That's why quoting verses didn't work for the devil, who tried to use them against Jesus.
I want to start memorizing scripture again. But not because it makes me a better Christian, or that I'll be a more powerful spiritual warrior. I want to start memorizing scripture because it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the stuff that I so quickly forget. That God loves me more than I realize. That Christ paid the price in full for my sins before I could commit them. That I'm blessed and did nothing to deserve it.
So, yeah... that was sort of fractured, but it's what I was thinking this morning.
This attitude, for the better part of the last ten years has resulted in a mindset that God has a ladder that I am constantly climbing and when I mess up, He moves me down the ladder, and if I mess up too bad, He'll knock me off of the ladder all together.
This is so bent!
I'm realizing more and more on this trip that my behavior has zip, zilch, zero, nada to do with my position in God's eyes, the value that he has for me. I'm messed up, I'm going to mess up more, but God loves me all the same. And the fruit that I have in my life has little to do with me, if anything. That fruit, all the good stuff that I do, is a manifestation of the Spirit in my and a natural result of learning to love God. If I do good stuff, it's because he made it possible, part of this journey of getting closer to Him in relationship. It has nothing to do with whether I'm better or worse at being a Christian than anyone else. It also makes me realize that the path to victory over sin is not in discipline (sure that helps, but if there is no love, no heart for Christ behind it, then who cares?) but in learning to receive his love and loving him more. The closer I get to God, the more victory I see in my life as a natural overflow of his Spirit. The farther I get away, the easier it is to stumble.
I think this is why so many times that I have "sworn off" a particular sin, I've been so unsuccessful. Those moments aren't about getting closer to God, they're about me making declarations on what I can do. I can't overcome sin. There's no way. I'm gonna choose sin every single time if it's just on me. But if I draw closer to God, develop in my relationship with Him, learn to love Him, that stuff gets easier and easier.
One last example: I used to memorize scripture because I saw it as some sort of weapon that I could use, like I was developing a Spiritual utility belt. "What's up temptation?! You want some?!!?!" I'd shout and then I'd blast temptation with an appropriate verse, probably from something Paul wrote. I used Jesus overcoming temptation in the desert as a touchstone. "See! It worked for Him!" But what I missed was the fact that when Jesus quoted those verses he wasn't using them like some sort of talisman or secret weapon, he was reminding Satan of the blessings that he had in God. The power that his Father had given Him. The love that the Father had shown. He spoke of those scriptures of statements of the true nature of who he was and what the Father had for him. That's why quoting verses didn't work for the devil, who tried to use them against Jesus.
I want to start memorizing scripture again. But not because it makes me a better Christian, or that I'll be a more powerful spiritual warrior. I want to start memorizing scripture because it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the stuff that I so quickly forget. That God loves me more than I realize. That Christ paid the price in full for my sins before I could commit them. That I'm blessed and did nothing to deserve it.
So, yeah... that was sort of fractured, but it's what I was thinking this morning.
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