Wrap up

I'm sitting in the business center of my hotel killing time before my ridiculously early flight tomorrow (540 am... yeesh). This has truly been an incredible trip. I had this sense ever since I first purchased a ticket that this was going to be one of those trips, those trips that God does big things on. But I had this idea that it was going to be stuff that I needed to do or not do. Things that I needed to cut out or things that I needed to pursue. I felt like this was one big launching trip. Some sort of spiritual vocational training session. Man oh man was that off.

I'm still mulling over how much time God spent working on me just getting rid of all the obligation crap I've been struggling with for so long (Cindy, sorry I just said crap, feel free to edit if you read this out loud to Isaac or Nathan, but I doubt that will happen). I've spent the better part of my life in this sort of plus or minus system that I created. And then I worshiped... or maybe feared is the better word, the God of my gut. I let guilt define my actions and I felt guilty about most things. I still wonder if all this is going to stick; this crazy and bizarre notion that I'm literally under no condemnation and that God's love literally has nothing to do with what I've done.

That's so cool and still so hard to wrap my brain around, I can't really believe it.

Anyway, that's what I've got. It's been an amazing trip. Thanks to Sean, Brang, Adam, Cindy, Jeff, and Aw for being amazing hosts. I'm not sure if you'll ever appreciate how important this trip really was to me.

On proportion

Grappling a lot today with the comment in Colossians 4 that our conversation should be "full of grace seasoned with salt." I think I've spent the better part of my Christian life trying to be full of salt seasoned with grace. I spend way too much time thinking of how people should be, trying to be better myself, and constantly trying to push people towards better and then throwing in a pinch of "don't worry God did everything, there's grace there."

I miss the point way too often.

It's so hard but I want to live a life where grace always comes first and foremost. Where unconditional love is freely given and freely received and through that love we are challenged, grown, made better. Through that experience we learn through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit to be older, wiser, better. I don't know why I expect everyone around me to be perfect when, for the most part, I'm selfish and slow on the uptake when it comes to spiritual ideas.

Just a thought.

Geek/Nerdish Observations

So, I've been reading a lot while I've been in Thailand. I forgot how much I love it. Lot's of different stuff... some fiction, some nonfiction. But over the last couple days I've been rereading The Lord of the Rings. It's still a favorite and it was kind of the perfect cap to this trip.

This trip has been spiritually and emotionally heavy in the best possible way. I'm so thankful for the Heines and the way they created a space to just live life. To let God do his thing. I'm also incredibly thankful for the fact that their house has quite a few features that lend themselves to a spiritual retreat

1) No Cable -- I don't even want to think about how much time I waste on TV
2) Lots of good places to read -- Nooks, corners, comfortable couches... fan
3) Life is happening -- No matter how hard I try to be self-absorbed, you get swept into community here. I really like that.

So, all that to say, I've kind of been in an ideal spot for reading, reflection, and letting God do His thing. And He's been working me pretty hard (see previous posts). I was telling Adam tonight that it's been an experience that doesn't feel as "emotional" as other life changing experiences, but it feels more substantial for some reason. Like I feel this week down to my marrow.

What does any of this have to do with The Lord of the Rings?

Well, there's this small part at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring where Gandalf is talking to Frodo (Nerd Alert! Just in case the title wasn't enough warning) and Gandalf notices that the experience that Frodo has just gone through seemed to have produced a change in Frodo. Like Frodo had become slightly more transparent. That's, I think, the closest to how I feel now. This wasn't a week for big declarations or huge emotional breakdowns. But I feel... changed. I feel like this week was a long time coming. I'd essentially fallen into the rut of my own idiosyncrasies over the last couple of months and years and I was badly overdue for a shake up (Note: if you're cruising along doing what you've been doing for a while, you're most likely missing something/in need of a wake up call/in need of refocus/all of the above). So, all that to say, I'm grateful for the change and I'm eager for the adventure ahead, whatever that is. I don't know what God is prepping me for if anything, but I'm so thankful for this time.

Getting Over Stuff

So, I was reading Romans this morning, which is a bit like having Pot Roast for breakfast (delicious sure, but sits on your ribs like a lead weight, hard to shake). And I read that oft quoted verse "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1) and I realized that I used to really dislike this verse. It seemed to easy. Surely we had to be held accountable for stuff. Isn't that the whole point of crowns in heaven? I'm a way better Christian than that guy over there... surely that's going to come up in heaven? And if I mess up, then God's going to hold me accountable.

This attitude, for the better part of the last ten years has resulted in a mindset that God has a ladder that I am constantly climbing and when I mess up, He moves me down the ladder, and if I mess up too bad, He'll knock me off of the ladder all together.

This is so bent!

I'm realizing more and more on this trip that my behavior has zip, zilch, zero, nada to do with my position in God's eyes, the value that he has for me. I'm messed up, I'm going to mess up more, but God loves me all the same. And the fruit that I have in my life has little to do with me, if anything. That fruit, all the good stuff that I do, is a manifestation of the Spirit in my and a natural result of learning to love God. If I do good stuff, it's because he made it possible, part of this journey of getting closer to Him in relationship. It has nothing to do with whether I'm better or worse at being a Christian than anyone else. It also makes me realize that the path to victory over sin is not in discipline (sure that helps, but if there is no love, no heart for Christ behind it, then who cares?) but in learning to receive his love and loving him more. The closer I get to God, the more victory I see in my life as a natural overflow of his Spirit. The farther I get away, the easier it is to stumble.

I think this is why so many times that I have "sworn off" a particular sin, I've been so unsuccessful. Those moments aren't about getting closer to God, they're about me making declarations on what I can do. I can't overcome sin. There's no way. I'm gonna choose sin every single time if it's just on me. But if I draw closer to God, develop in my relationship with Him, learn to love Him, that stuff gets easier and easier.


One last example: I used to memorize scripture because I saw it as some sort of weapon that I could use, like I was developing a Spiritual utility belt. "What's up temptation?! You want some?!!?!" I'd shout and then I'd blast temptation with an appropriate verse, probably from something Paul wrote. I used Jesus overcoming temptation in the desert as a touchstone. "See! It worked for Him!" But what I missed was the fact that when Jesus quoted those verses he wasn't using them like some sort of talisman or secret weapon, he was reminding Satan of the blessings that he had in God. The power that his Father had given Him. The love that the Father had shown. He spoke of those scriptures of statements of the true nature of who he was and what the Father had for him. That's why quoting verses didn't work for the devil, who tried to use them against Jesus.

I want to start memorizing scripture again. But not because it makes me a better Christian, or that I'll be a more powerful spiritual warrior. I want to start memorizing scripture because it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the stuff that I so quickly forget. That God loves me more than I realize. That Christ paid the price in full for my sins before I could commit them. That I'm blessed and did nothing to deserve it.


So, yeah... that was sort of fractured, but it's what I was thinking this morning.

A brief thought on inception

I really have no desire to unpack the movie Inception on this blog. That would be a never ending struggling I think (note: loved that move, loved it). But there's a single line that really hit me the first time I saw it, and the second. One of the characters is referring to a memory of another character and states that the memory can never replace the actual person with all that individuals "perfection and imperfection." (I'm trying to keep this as vague as possible so as to avoid ruining said movie for anyone who reads this. Moral of the story: I tried really hard to protect you all because I want you to experience this movie that bad. Go see it!)

Anyway, I love that idea. I really like the idea of appreciating and valuing both the perfection and imperfection in a person. To have people know your weaknesses and strengths and loving you in the middle of them all. My family is like this with me and the friends that have stuck around over the years (I'm beginning to realize there are more of those than I thought). I try to hide my imperfection all the time. Depending on who I'm with, I try to tailor the imperfection I reveal to suit the audience. If you're slightly nerdy, I'll reveal that I've got a thing for math or science or good historical fiction. If you're kind of a geek, I'll let slip that I'm into Star Trek, or Tolkien, or Batman: The Animated Series. I do all this selectively because I'm afraid of letting go of all the parts of me for fear that one of those parts will somehow put off the person who discovers it and then that person will abandon me. I think I'm done with this. So in an exercise of good faith, here are some things (some of which are slightly embarrassing) that I like about me that I wouldn't normally share with people, mostly out of fear of sounding like a total loser.

1) I can pretty much sing the songs from every Disney musical from memory (most people know this already)
2) I still really enjoy watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and in high school I played the RPG card game.
3) I was on the math team in high school and I lettered in it (academic team too)
4) I like plenty of "embarrassing" music: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Timberlake, the occasional Justin Bieber song (whoever's writing his stuff is doing a good job), Katy Perry (she pushes the envelope I know, but she's got some insane hooks)
5) I've read all the Harry Potter books
6) I really like a good sweater vest
7) I sing in the car when I drive

There's more stuff too. Even as I wrote that list I was sitting there mulling it over, thinking "yeah, share that it actually makes you seem kind of likable, no... not that, now you sound like a goob" or "I should pepper in something that makes me sound more indie or hipster or arty." It's still a struggle, but I want to keep striving, working to just be me in all circumstances and if people dig that, sweet. If they don't, whatever. Pretty random I know, but I'm tired of trying to figure out who the best "me" is to present in a given situation.

Obedience

So, I've been thinking a lot about how Jesus says that if you obey him, you'll remain in his love. I always used to think that that seemed like a pretty discomforting idea. Because it seemed like I was pretty much doomed to fall out of his love because, to be honest, I'm pretty bad at obeying his commands. I think if we're honest most of us are. But more and more on this trip I'm realizing that the point of that wasn't to warn us but to encourage us. I mean, he follows this statement immediately in John to say, I told you this so that your joy will be complete.

I'm realizing this (slowly and with a lot of resistance, I'm way more Catholic than I thought) that God's love comes with out a prerequisite amount of obedience on our part, because Jesus handled that bill in the first place. So the whole point of saying that we'll remain in his love if we obey him is this (I think... this one's from me to be honest) ... if we love him, we're just naturally going to obey him, which pretty much means we don't have anything to worry about.

I'll use my parents as an example. For the most part I just obeyed them, I didn't like it all the time, but I did, because well, at the core I always knew they loved me, so it was kind of easy. I even obeyed them to the point of doing some pretty ridiculous things, like going to the Dwight D. Eisenhower birthplace on one vacation (okay... to be honest, I kind of liked that, I even bought a commemorative copy of the D-Day address, I'm a nerd). I went because I kind of new, even as a selfish teenager, that my dad really dug that kind of stuff, so why not let him enjoy that. Author's note: I was not always that compliant, don't want to create an inaccurate depiction of myself, it's just one of those moments.

Anyway, it was kind of easy to obey them because I knew they loved me and I loved them in return. Our relationship with God is like that. Obedience doesn't validate love or earn love... it's the natural product of love. I know God loves me and the more aware I become of that, the more surrounded I am by it, the more I pursue it, the more I obey Him just because I want to spend more time with Him. It's that whole "it's your kindness that leads to repentance" idea.

Soooo, all this to say, maybe we worry too much as Christians about being the conscience of each other and the world when in reality we could just be showing each other Christ's love, teaching each other to genuinely know and receive that love, and letting the Holy Spirit handle that whole conviction thing. He's pretty good at it.

Reentering Civilization

It's funny, but I didn't realize until I was reading "Blue like Jazz" that I realized how socially dysfunctional I had become with community. It's amazing how living in a house with 5 kids and two of my closest friends has been like a splash of water to the face of socially awkward behavior. I'm learning to have long conversations again, the sort that don't have any real sort of deadline to speak of. I'm learning to initiate conversation again, to read people, to help out others, to be aware of others in general. It's been really nice.

I need community and for all the busyness of my life, I don't nearly seek it out enough. I need that sort of stretching and growing and challenging. It's very very cool to feel it happening. Plus, when God stuff is happening (which is happening right now) it's nice to have people to share new discoveries with, bounce ideas off of, pray with etc.

So, yeah, Thailand is kind of awesome