3rd Song 1st Person:

So here it is, for the next couple weeks (we'll see if I make it that far) I'm going to try something a little different in hopes of writing more consistently. Call it an experiment. I'm going to write a post every day in the theme "3rd Song 1st Person." Every day I'll write a post on the 3rd song that comes up on my iPod when I hit shuffle songs. There are a few stipulations: must be a song, must be the third song, can only start the shuffle once, no cheating. I'll list the songs that came in first and second. Feel free to check them out on IMEEM or Lala if you want to get a better feel for where I'm coming from. We'll see how it goes.

*Disclaimer* Today's song contains mature thematic material... it's a portrait of Lupe Fiasco's early upbringing and isn't sugar coated in any sense. Keep that in mind before you look up the lyrics.

Sunday June 7th, 2009
1) "In the Blood" by Better than Ezra
2) "Idioteque" by Radiohead
3) "Hurt Me Soul" by Lupe Fiasco

Dang, this shuffle took a left turn... sort of. Lupe may be the most emo rapper I know of, in a really good way. He's a master of recognizing the dualities within his own personality. The mix of influences, tastes, etc. I can relate to that, especially lately. I was hanging out with Audrey and Benson this past week, talking to Audrey about identifying the false self/selves that I am pretty quick to put up. Meaning this, I'm pretty good at acting exactly the way that I think people will relate to the best/like the most. This is exacerbated by the fact that I'm kinda freakin intuitive so most of the time I'm right about the way they want me to act. The cool thing about these last couple weeks is I've been learning just to be myself and let all those random influences combine in the way that is most comfortable/closest to the way that God made me instead of trying to call upon the particular interests/personality traits that I think fit the best in whatever situation I'm in.

That's kind of why I love that this is my first 3rd song. Southern rock bleeds into art rock bleeds into a rapper that is "american mentally with japanese tendencies, parisian sensibilities" This is like a gumbo mix. In "Hurt Me Soul" Lupe is reflecting on all of the different influences that have come his way, the loss of his innocence, the infiltration of his spirituality with his love for hip-hop with a back drop of all the chaos and turmoil that is surrounding him in the world. It's a really heavy song over a really mellow beat. This is Lupe in a nutshell: Hooks that scream dancefloor, lyrics that take an unflinching look at the social ills that surround him. What I love about Lupe is that when he criticizes he does it from a position of humility. If there are no holds barred, he's coming after his own shortcomings as well. He looks at life in the inner city, the faults present in hip hop, the ills that plague America and the world and acknowledges the fact that it is killing him on the inside.

So... how does the song relate to the self-reflection? I lament the fact that I've tried to hide who I really am so many times. I regret that I haven't let God use the mess that is me more frequently for fear of what man thinks. I'm not in a place as heavy as Lupe is in this song, but I do regret the fact that I haven't been more genuine towards people. More genuine about who I really am and more genuine about what I really think.

I am a geek, a nerd, I love disney, technology, rap, horrible r&b, clothes, I'm far too materialistic, I sing in public, I would dance in public if I wasn't such a chicken :). I am not cool, I am far too emo, I'm sentimental to a fault, I'm to insecure for my own good, I'm also too cocky for my own good.

I think that most people I know are either too liberal or too conservative, I get tired of people taking out other people behind each others backs, I'm not forgiving enough, I think the church is in danger of losing sight of what it means to love the sinner but hate the sin because it's embarrassed by the ways in which the sin has taken the front seat in the past, I'm charismatic, I believe that God still actively engages in the world, I'm not really a Republican, not really a democrat, because I think that both will always fall ridiculously short of what we could do in this country if we were sold out for Jesus. I really get tired of people who talk about global politics who have never visited the countries that they have such strong opinions about, I think the Church needs to start tithing or we are in danger of becoming the Rich Man to the world's Abraham. And things don't end up well for the rich man. I don't think being rich makes you a Pharisee. I think that social justice can be an idol just as much as money can. I think that there is a right answer. I think I ignore it to often and it hurts my soul.

Genuine

Saw one of my students give his testimony in what was one of the most genuine moments I've seen in quite some time. No apologies, no attempts to make things more interesting or exciting, just a very real explanation of where he was at with God. It made me realize that so often in the church we try to engage with where we believe people "should" be and speak from a position that reflects our "best" moments. We rarely bring the junk, the struggles, the frustrations to the table. I know this is not a new revelation, but one that I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. The frustrating aspect of this is that it never creates a deeper understanding of the inroads to a deeper walk with Christ.

To better explain where I'm going with this, because I'm rambling, I know, I'm going to use an analogy from music. Lets say you only ever had two examples of what it meant to be a guitar player, yourself and maybe, um, John Lennon. Now lets say that no one ever explained to you that Lennon took a while to get there, through practice, hard work, and dedication. You might become convinced that its pointless to even try playing guitar as you don't see a possible means of getting to that "Lennon Level." It would be obvious that Lennon is where you should be. What might not be obvious is that you could get there.

Now this is a poor example, for any number of reasons. Not least of which because it fails to take into consideration the fact that some people will never be able to play guitar as well as John Lennon. But, I do think that this illustrating does reveal an interesting trend in the church.

When we fail to bring our garbage to the table it creates the illusion that there are two types of Christians. Those who have it easy, who have it all together, who never mess up, and those who constantly struggle. From that place, those who are very aware of the fact that they struggle often do two things: either give up on the trying or just "fake it to make it" and put forward a front that looks good to their community. That's why it's so important that as a community we are real with where we are actually at. That we are honest when we struggle with different sin areas. That we create space for people to be real about where they are actually at.

I'm not saying we should relish in sin, that we should delight in the fact that we mess up, but I do think sharing a realistic, "warts and all" picture of the walk helps to illuminate the fact that all temptation is common, that our God is a God of redemption who works with even the greatest of sinners. I think it also constantly reminds us that we are all desperately in need of forgiveness because we all sin constantly. I think, in some ways, I'm furthest from God when I think that I'm doing a really good job of following him and I'm closest to God when I realize that I'm horrible at following Him and constantly need Him to transform me from the inside.

That's why I want to be more genuine...

Vocation

There are no paragraph breaks in this post. Deal with it.

Antony asked me this weekend if I thought I'd found my vocation. "I'd say so." To which he responded, "but would you say that unprompted" Hesitated a little bit at that one. It's interesting but due to some combination of my very nomadic upbringing, my ENFP personality, and lingering insecurity I still have some serious issues with commitment. Referring to my job as my vocation still causes a bit of a shudder to run up my spine. The post-modernist in me just doesn't want to identify myself with one thing so specifically. That being said, if I was honest, I'd have to say that I have indeed found what I would consider to be my vocation. My hesitation to identify it as such has pretty much only kept me from giving 100% to what I was doing. Which is a little bit on the lame sauce side of things. My dad always used to say that "Excellence honors God" which I used to view as a fairly trite paring down of the gospel as I knew it. I'm coming to realize, though, that just because that's not the entirety of God's intent for our lives doesn't make it not true. I'm coming to value truth nuggets like that one. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, pursuing excellence in the things that God has placed in my path reveals a willingness on my part to trust in the fact that He doesn't have me in some sort of spiritual holding pattern. If He, in his sovereignty, has placed me where I'm at for a reason, maybe I should try to pursue His work for me in that place eagerly. Coming out of the Navy that's consistently been one of my largest struggles. When I was there I always thought of it as a go between, a gap filler in my life and never really sold out to the idea that I needed to look for where He was working around me in that area as much as I could. That never really happened until the very end. Now, in a place I love with a vocation I've grown to be really stoked about, it's time to get over it and dive in. Not so much with more time but with greater intentionality, prayer, and a willingness to surrender to the things that God has for me.

That's pretty stinking exciting.

Uncomfortably Comfortable

It struck me as odd, this past week in D.C., the lengths we go to make our history "comfortable" to those who come to study/observe/revisit it. Over the course of three days we visited the Gettysburg Battlefield, Williamsburg, and Monticello and in all three of these places slavery was mentioned but never given the attention that the culture/commerce/innovation/politics were given. This strikes me as more frustrating because I don't think we make our leaders stronger or better by glossing over their weaknesses. We just make our heritage more convoluted. I don't think that saying Jefferson disliked slavery but didn't see a way around it as an acceptable response to the fact that he had hundreds of slaves, fathered at least 1 possibly 4 children into slavery who he did not free until they had reached the age of 21. I don't think presenting that situation as a "moral dilemma" should free him from close or condemning scrutiny. Jefferson had issues. I think we just need to deal with that. The man chose comfort over conscience. I think it also dilutes the impact of someone like Lincoln who, generations later, still seems to withstand close scrutiny. Exceptional leaders should be just that, exceptional. All this to say, I realized how often I choose comfort over conscience. Like one of the disciples who couldn't handle the fact that Jesus said "eat my flesh and drink my blood" often I "vamoose" when I am challenged to do things that leave me uncomfortable in this world.

Conflict Delayed...

It sort of hit me the other day while looking at photos on the big picture (boston.com/bigpicture... check it out if you haven't yet) that we are at a fairly key, yet easily overlooked period as a church. We have a tendency as people, i think, (oh geez, here comes a crass generalization but I'm going with it anyway) to engage with conflict only when it is directly in front of our faces. Here's an analogy of what I'm talking about. I have beef with the fact that my sister doesn't seem to respect my stuff. However, instead of engaging with the issue at the time or trying to work out some sort of mutual understanding, I wait until she uses my guitar without asking to make it "a thing". I think that to a larger extent we did this with the last election. There is a definite rift growing in the American church (or at least the part of it I have first hand experience with) where the values of a more "traditional" consitituency are at odds with a group of evangelicals who would consider themselves more "progessive" (dang that's a lot of terminology, I'm trying to avoid anything that would be cast as unfair to either side). We saw these issues rear their ugly heads during the climactic conclusion to the most recent election season. Abortion, immigration, global welfare, were discussed or debated or clashed over as it became very obvious that people are developing very different takes on what it means to follow Christ. And then, the election, and as far as I can see, these issues were dropped, moved on from. Have the wounds that were caused by these debates that easily been healed? Is there a sudden mutual respect between groups present in the Church? Are we okay with the fact that there are some very stark contrasts among a body that has been called to pursue unity. I'll admit I'm skeptical... but I think we really need to figure out a way to work through this junk... otherwise I think we're looking at some huge issues for the church and division could be a very real problem. Just thinking...

Honesty

Sometimes I feel like I'm being teased... like I'm having something I'll will never get waved in front of my face...

but I still trust you...

On Computers and Catastrophe

I felt the need to break the relative silence that has been present on my blog over the past weeks (true, I have not been "in transit" persay, but if that becomes the filter through which i pass the decision to blog or not to blog, then I may never write) to respond to a recent development that seems to be a new trend in my life. Many years ago, as a young Ensign in the United States Navy, I made the decision (perhaps overdue) that I should replace my ailing Gateway computer (yes, I was one of the idiots that thought that buying a computer adorned with cow-hide was a good idea). Beginning the search for a new computer, I felt it prudent to use my old computer as a sort of bartering chip (sell on ebay, craigslist, your mom's house, etc.). Almost immediately after making that decision, however, the battery, plug, and the connection between the battery all unexpectedly fried, leaving the IT on my ship to tell me that my computer was "done for." In itself, a frustrating occurence, but fast forward a few years to 2004 and I was the proud owner of a Nissan Sentra with 35 mpg (oh yeah Leo, I know you can dig it) but had made the decision to trade in my economy package for a new vehicle. Two days before selling my car, I ran into a overturned traffic cone on the freeway (that was black and couldn't be seen at night) destroying my windshield wiper fluid resevoir, my front fender, and effectively lowering the value of my car by $1000 or more. Again, frustrating. Flash to present day (i.e. two days ago) and my decision to upgrade again to a new laptop. While moving into my new apartment, I tripped over the chord to my Powerbook, pulling it off of the TV stand it was on and effectively frying the harddrive.

This leads me to a few conclusions.

1) I am accident prone (I'm willing to admit it)
2) The machines have declared war and I definitely need to go see Terminator: Salvation and Transformers 2: Rise of the Machines when they come out (Thank goodness Michael Bay is around to show me the way.)