So I already posted my favorite music of 2011 here: http://aftertheradio.wordpress.com... but I wanted to comment a little on my favorite movies of the year:
The Descendants - Clooney is stinking amazing in this. But everyone is amazing in this. This film does such an amazing job of dealing with real grief without falling over into ridiculous cliches or redemption that seems unearned or unreasonable. Walks that tightrope between humor and pain really effectively and any movie that manages to get a good performance out of Matthew Lillard deserves mad props.
Warrior - Geez this movie is a suckerpunch. You think it's an action movie, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's MMA Rocky, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's a redemptive family story, and it sort of is, but it's not. A friend of mine put it best when he said he's never seen a movie manage to hit every cliche in the book while still missing them and I think that's bizarrely accurate. Definitely worth your time.
Tree of Life - No narrative, barely any dialogue, almost incoherent at times, but it's easily one of the most visually stunning movies I've ever seen. It's a meditation on the "Where were you when I..." speech in Job. Was mulling over this one for weeks after and that's always appreciated.
Drive - So violent, so very, very violent. But some of the best images/music combinations in a movie I've ever seen. Turns the whole noir/superhero genre on it's head. Doesn't go at all where you expect it to. Such a good movie.
The Ides of March - A really nuanced portrayal of one mans turn from idealist to cold pragmatist. The dialogue is insanely good and really draws you into the seedier side of politics. Probably the best closing shot of the year.
50/50 - I really enjoyed this one. Felt like a lot of people forgot about it at the end of the year, but it's a refreshingly genuine look at illness, grief, despair, etc. One of the only times I've been ok with Seth Rogen in a movie.
Beats, Rhymes, and Life - I love Tribe Called Quest, so this is a biased pick. But I thought this was a really well made, very insightful look into one of the best rap groups ever. Had a blast seeing this one.
Attack the Block - A kid's adventure movie that's not for kids. A genre bending sci-fi action flick, that's also a little bit of a thriller, that's also a social commentary, that's also freaking hilarious. Maybe my favorite movie this year.
Midnight in Paris - Holy crap this movie is amazing. Great acting, great references to historical figures, funny and it pulls all these things off without ever hitting you over the head with them. What sounds like oscar bait on paper never seems desperate and that's incredibly impressive. Really enjoyed this one.
Best Popcorn Flicks:
MI-4 - Really, really solid action flick. Great set pieces, and more solid actors means less Tom Cruise time... always a good thing.
Crazy, Stupid, Love - I'm really impressed with how good of a movie this was. I'd be tempted to put this on my best of the year if it wasn't so clearly fluff. I won't say much cause it's worth going into untainted but it's well worth your time.
Super 8 - Just watched this one a second time and it was way better on the second viewing when separated from all the hype. Like a love letter to my childhood. Nothin' wrong with that.
X-Men First Class - Easily one of the best superhero movies made. Probably surpasses Singer's versions. Really impressed by how character driven this was.
Movies I haven't seen yet, but I'm pretty sure will make my best of:
The Artist
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Biggest Disappointments:
War Horse- Really?! Seriously?! People thought this was Oscar worthy? Cheesy, plodding, an unnecessarily long opening two hours. Folks, just because the last 45 minutes effectively tugs at your heartstrings doesn't mean you should excuse a movie that is easily 2/3 lazy filmmaking. Dang it Spielberg, I was hoping for more from this.
Young Adult - The ending of this one really pissed me off. I'd totally agree with a friend's analysis who said the ending speaks more about the writer than anything else. Almost (well maybe not even almost) a truly redemptive film that approaches incremental change and then has the movie laugh at you and say super sarcastically "let's be honest no one ever changes." Super frustrating.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Simplify Simplify
I've been overwhelmed by music this year. It's been insane. The music industry has been an institution in flux for some time now but I've felt that shift more than ever before this year. I've always loved music. Always felt challenged by it, inspired by it, wanted to hear as much of it as possible. But that desire has been tempered, in large part, by the fact that money was always an issue. Without going to far into the argument, I've never been a huge fan of illegally downloading music. Having had friends try to make it in the industry I know how much of a difference buying a record can make for a small band. So, for the most part, I've tried to stick to music I could afford. That, though, is becoming less and less of a buffer. Bands are increasingly making music on their own and releasing it for free. Music blogs are presenting more and more legally downloadable music. Suddenly, the restraining influence of a budget is gone. Bring on the tunes. Looking through my music I've added around 900 songs in the last 4 months. That's about 15% of the music I've ever owned. I know that's nothing for some people, but the trend is crazy to me.
All that to say, I'm realizing that the destruction of the barriers to information that has happened over the last 15 years has made me a man of very diverse influences. Music, movies, books, data are all at my fingerprints and I've become something of an information hound (that's a very polite way of putting it). I'm realizing lately that it's not necessarily a good thing. I rarely process information anymore. I rarely digest media. I rarely consider the impact of anything in my life. It's really no wonder that my generation is so freaking nomadic, so incredibly unsettled. We're never forced to sit and savor anything.
This thought process has been an ongoing one, but it really hit me again watching an interview with Donald Glover. He was talking about his new Childish Gambino project and was asked what albums really impacted him. He was able to instantly rattle off a few choices. THat's becoming harder and harder for me to do. I rarely give anything time to take hold. I'm really trying to get back some of that. I want to read a few select books this year. Really read. Not the speed reading I'm used to. I want to sit, savor, marinate. I'm trying to let a couple albums really sink their teeth into my brain. I want to watch a couple of movies over and over and get back some of that love for dissecting a shot or a line or an edit. I miss those days.
Maybe this is nostalgia rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's a healthy response to a crapload of information. I'm not exactly sure. I don't hate the fact that I have a world of information at my fingertips but I'm not going to ignore the fact that it could mess me up either.
All that to say, I'm realizing that the destruction of the barriers to information that has happened over the last 15 years has made me a man of very diverse influences. Music, movies, books, data are all at my fingerprints and I've become something of an information hound (that's a very polite way of putting it). I'm realizing lately that it's not necessarily a good thing. I rarely process information anymore. I rarely digest media. I rarely consider the impact of anything in my life. It's really no wonder that my generation is so freaking nomadic, so incredibly unsettled. We're never forced to sit and savor anything.
This thought process has been an ongoing one, but it really hit me again watching an interview with Donald Glover. He was talking about his new Childish Gambino project and was asked what albums really impacted him. He was able to instantly rattle off a few choices. THat's becoming harder and harder for me to do. I rarely give anything time to take hold. I'm really trying to get back some of that. I want to read a few select books this year. Really read. Not the speed reading I'm used to. I want to sit, savor, marinate. I'm trying to let a couple albums really sink their teeth into my brain. I want to watch a couple of movies over and over and get back some of that love for dissecting a shot or a line or an edit. I miss those days.
Maybe this is nostalgia rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's a healthy response to a crapload of information. I'm not exactly sure. I don't hate the fact that I have a world of information at my fingertips but I'm not going to ignore the fact that it could mess me up either.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Ambition isn't cheap
Ambition is a funny thing because so many of us have it but so few of us are actually willing to do anything about it. I'm six years into this teaching thing and I'm realizing that it would be so ridiculously easy to quietly sink into resignation, to succumb to the urge to just be what I am now and nothing more. I used to talk to friends in college about adults I lost respect for because it seemed like they settled, like they just gave up on life. That doesn't seem so far off now. I was an arrogant little prick. What makes it so hard is that ambition is usually in direct opposition to comfort. In my teens comfort was friends and acceptance, in my 20s comfort was having a job, friends, and acceptance. In my 30s it looks like you just throw family in there, shake, and serve. I don't want that.
I was talking to a friend of mine about what life in the Spirit actually was and wasn't. He was saying that life in the Spirit, real life in the Spirit is something that very few people want because it's extremely unpredictable, it's often hard, it's never comfortable. It tells one person to sell all his/her possessions and tells another that it's ok to have them if used them a certain way, it leads one person to leave everything to live in Africa and another to live on the beach in California. It's chaotic and it often seems unfair.
These two things have been coming to a head lately because I'm realizing that I A) don't want to live without ambition and B) my principle ambition is to live life fully in the Spirit. That seems terrifying. I've known very few people who actually do this and those I have known have lived insanely tumultuous lives and not often in the fun way. That being said it's the only thing that seems worth chasing that really means anything at the end of the day.
I was talking to a friend of mine about what life in the Spirit actually was and wasn't. He was saying that life in the Spirit, real life in the Spirit is something that very few people want because it's extremely unpredictable, it's often hard, it's never comfortable. It tells one person to sell all his/her possessions and tells another that it's ok to have them if used them a certain way, it leads one person to leave everything to live in Africa and another to live on the beach in California. It's chaotic and it often seems unfair.
These two things have been coming to a head lately because I'm realizing that I A) don't want to live without ambition and B) my principle ambition is to live life fully in the Spirit. That seems terrifying. I've known very few people who actually do this and those I have known have lived insanely tumultuous lives and not often in the fun way. That being said it's the only thing that seems worth chasing that really means anything at the end of the day.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Kiwis make great music
I went to see the Naked and Famous at the belly up on Sunday. They're quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and if you haven't heard of them I highly recommend you check them out. One of the things that really impresses me about seeing them live again is how much they really dedicate themselves to wringing every last drop of energy out of their songs. This isn't mindlessly throwing yourself around the stage kind of music. This is recognizing the potential for expansive sound in your songs and really bringing that out to the biggest possible point. It was incredible. In doing so, they made their less known tracks more memorable, the gave new life to the overplayed ones. It's the kind of show that reignites your love for a band and that's the second time one of their shows has done that for me.
It made me realize though, there's something so infectious about being genuinely committed to what you're doing. There's something genuine about it that really brings out a similar freedom to commit in your audience. We're so quick to lock up and check our surroundings to see if it's ok to let loose. When the band feels free to do that, it changes the whole paradigm. People start dancing who wouldn't normally. Fans are made. Hipsters start to loose their "I'm too cool for this" edge. It's a good time all around.
By extension we rarely do this in life. More often we let the pressures of our obligations, the influence of friends and community, the dynamic of a place determine our commitment. We are responsive over transformative. The shame in that is the way that it subtley kills the unique transformative qualities that each of us has. We become Eliot's desperate men, quietly allowing ourselves to slip away. I've been trying this week to shake that, to carry a certain boldness into interactions into what i'm trying to do. That probably means I'm going to fall flat on my face and seem ridiculous more often than I'd like but it's probably worth it.
It made me realize though, there's something so infectious about being genuinely committed to what you're doing. There's something genuine about it that really brings out a similar freedom to commit in your audience. We're so quick to lock up and check our surroundings to see if it's ok to let loose. When the band feels free to do that, it changes the whole paradigm. People start dancing who wouldn't normally. Fans are made. Hipsters start to loose their "I'm too cool for this" edge. It's a good time all around.
By extension we rarely do this in life. More often we let the pressures of our obligations, the influence of friends and community, the dynamic of a place determine our commitment. We are responsive over transformative. The shame in that is the way that it subtley kills the unique transformative qualities that each of us has. We become Eliot's desperate men, quietly allowing ourselves to slip away. I've been trying this week to shake that, to carry a certain boldness into interactions into what i'm trying to do. That probably means I'm going to fall flat on my face and seem ridiculous more often than I'd like but it's probably worth it.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Taking your own medicine tastes like Robitussin
So I was speaking in chapel this week on identity... the identity we've been given, the identity we're told we should have, the identity we chase. This seems a bigger issue in light of the whole facebook/tumblr/twitter thing. Identity is ours for the making and remaking. This seems a problem but maybe that's just me.
The talk was on Zacchaeus and the was in which he pursued power/influence/respect and how quickly that dissolves in one interaction with Jesus. For whatever reason, one interaction and he's generous, compassionate, justice focused. It's incredible especially when you realize there's no miraculous healing, no deep interaction like the woman at the well. There's only acknowledgement.
We had the students complete an exercise where they were given sheets of dyed paper and told they could trade or keep them. After discussing the exercise I spoke on not letting others force you to accept an identity that's not you, on not being apathetic about your identity, on not trying to get rid of the parts of yourself that are uniquely you just because they're not approved of by your culture. It was one of those talks that starts out like "Oh yeah this is good stuff for them" and ends with "man I'm so bad at this" I hate it when that happens. It's super annoying. It feels like I'm just avoiding truth that I clearly should be aware of but have, for whatever reason, completely avoided doing anything about. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Whenever I walk into a new setting I'm almost immediately evaluating the room to figure out the best me for that situation. I know this is an old thing with me. It's not like I haven't been grappling with it for years or anything, but it's been more focused lately. I'm really crappy at being anyone but myself. I'm horrible at adapting to people's expectations of relevant or cool or interesting or enlightened. I'm not sure I care to try anymore. I told a friend of mine my theme for the year (yes I know I've been big on theme lately) is "say something" I'm at a point where I'm going to do what I think is right and if people have a problem with it they can either say something and I'll totally discuss it with you or keep quiet and I'm not going to waste time wondering if you actually have a problem and aren't saying anything. It just feels more sane that way.
The talk was on Zacchaeus and the was in which he pursued power/influence/respect and how quickly that dissolves in one interaction with Jesus. For whatever reason, one interaction and he's generous, compassionate, justice focused. It's incredible especially when you realize there's no miraculous healing, no deep interaction like the woman at the well. There's only acknowledgement.
We had the students complete an exercise where they were given sheets of dyed paper and told they could trade or keep them. After discussing the exercise I spoke on not letting others force you to accept an identity that's not you, on not being apathetic about your identity, on not trying to get rid of the parts of yourself that are uniquely you just because they're not approved of by your culture. It was one of those talks that starts out like "Oh yeah this is good stuff for them" and ends with "man I'm so bad at this" I hate it when that happens. It's super annoying. It feels like I'm just avoiding truth that I clearly should be aware of but have, for whatever reason, completely avoided doing anything about. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Whenever I walk into a new setting I'm almost immediately evaluating the room to figure out the best me for that situation. I know this is an old thing with me. It's not like I haven't been grappling with it for years or anything, but it's been more focused lately. I'm really crappy at being anyone but myself. I'm horrible at adapting to people's expectations of relevant or cool or interesting or enlightened. I'm not sure I care to try anymore. I told a friend of mine my theme for the year (yes I know I've been big on theme lately) is "say something" I'm at a point where I'm going to do what I think is right and if people have a problem with it they can either say something and I'll totally discuss it with you or keep quiet and I'm not going to waste time wondering if you actually have a problem and aren't saying anything. It just feels more sane that way.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
80s movie spirituality
It's a classic 80s formula. Teen/kid decides his or her life is unsatisfactory, figures out that changing their personality would fix everything, makes the change, realizes that who they were was what's important. Everyone ends up happy. See Can't Buy Me Love, Lucas (to a certain extent), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if you believe the theory that the whole thing happens in Cameron's head... look it up, it's trippy). It's a fairly well accepted and overused film convention. What's interesting, though, is that for as much as we understand that basic premise so many of us completely ignore it. In the desperate, scrambling search for value and acceptance that we're all on we constantly adapt who we are to gain approval.
I was thinking about this in church last week. The pastor, in perhaps the strongest moment of his sermon, said that the ways in which you pursue friends and community will define the ways that you pursue God. That floored me. I've been aware for a long time that I have a tendency to modify my personality to fit whatever group I'm around (to the thinkers i'm a thinker, to the cynics I'm a cynic, to the hipsters I'm a hipster) but I've never thought about the fact that I have done the same thing with God for the better part of my life. In my pursuit of the Almighty I have consistently been who I thought he wanted me to be when I interacted and not who I actually was. This seems ridiculous when considering that he made me and knows me better than anyone else no matter how I'm acting. But still... that's pretty much what I do.
Instead of just being the real, flawed, broken, messed up person I am I try to approach God wearing a lot of different hats. To varying degrees I try to act like a monk, saint, pastor, worship leader. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it essentially means that my relationship with God is based on a sham... a sham that I'm continually constructing and deconstructing. What's the point of that? What's the point in acting somber, penitent, etc. if I'm not really feeling that way at the time. I want to pursue God with integrity and a lot of times that means being honest about the fact that sometimes I don't feel like pursuing him at all because I'm human and, well, sinful. I knew a pastor once who used to say something along the lines of "Every other Monday I don't believe in God" That's alarming to hear a pastor say. But it's so honest. It so completely reveals the complexity of where he's at and where he's at with God. That's what I'm searching for. I'm trying to get to a place where, more than with anyone else, when I approach God I approach him as myself.
I was thinking about this in church last week. The pastor, in perhaps the strongest moment of his sermon, said that the ways in which you pursue friends and community will define the ways that you pursue God. That floored me. I've been aware for a long time that I have a tendency to modify my personality to fit whatever group I'm around (to the thinkers i'm a thinker, to the cynics I'm a cynic, to the hipsters I'm a hipster) but I've never thought about the fact that I have done the same thing with God for the better part of my life. In my pursuit of the Almighty I have consistently been who I thought he wanted me to be when I interacted and not who I actually was. This seems ridiculous when considering that he made me and knows me better than anyone else no matter how I'm acting. But still... that's pretty much what I do.
Instead of just being the real, flawed, broken, messed up person I am I try to approach God wearing a lot of different hats. To varying degrees I try to act like a monk, saint, pastor, worship leader. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it essentially means that my relationship with God is based on a sham... a sham that I'm continually constructing and deconstructing. What's the point of that? What's the point in acting somber, penitent, etc. if I'm not really feeling that way at the time. I want to pursue God with integrity and a lot of times that means being honest about the fact that sometimes I don't feel like pursuing him at all because I'm human and, well, sinful. I knew a pastor once who used to say something along the lines of "Every other Monday I don't believe in God" That's alarming to hear a pastor say. But it's so honest. It so completely reveals the complexity of where he's at and where he's at with God. That's what I'm searching for. I'm trying to get to a place where, more than with anyone else, when I approach God I approach him as myself.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Patriotism and Church, Church and Patriotism
So I went to a new church on Sunday, which for the purposes of this post will remain nameless and I really liked it. Overall I thought that it was really good. The community was diverse on pretty much every level and the sermon was solid, if a little fluff-ish. But there was something that kind of put me off in the service that I've been mulling over for the past couple of days. In the middle of the worship set, the worship team broke into "America the Beautiful" and asked the congregation to "sing it to Jesus." Now, granted, it was the ten year anniversary of 9/11 and the song does pointedly reference God's grace, but the whole thing kind of came across as just, well, wrong. While I'm hugely thankful for the unique freedoms and opportunities that are afforded me spiritually just by living in this country, singing a song that espouses how awesome the country is in the middle of a worship set just seems messed up to me. We already struggle enough with a misplaced sense that being an American makes you inherently more Christian, why push that further by trying to turn a song about America's worth into a worship moment. It just seems like an easy way to reinforce that mindset.
We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.
We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.
Monday, August 15, 2011
First Day Back to School
It's always interesting on the first day back. People get all over the place concerned about really random stuff. You see the parents freaking about about their babies growing up and taking another step. You see the kids freaking out about the year and how things are going to work out. You see the new kids feeling like they don't know how to fit in or how to define themselves. It's this crazy hustle and bustle that is pretty much exactly the same every year. It's this flailing attempt to figure out who you are, who you want to be, who your friends are going to be, what you're going to do, where you're going to go. It's a feeling that's rarely replicated but it's really interesting to see. People are very very desperate to latch on to community in that sort of situation. They want to find people who they can really connect with and who they can truly feel safe with. What's interesting though is that it's incredibly insulated. It's this sort of... whew I found my friends, they're mine, I'm safe, now I can make it through the day. It's going to be ok. I really don't have to worry about anything too much. What's interesting about this is this is basically how I view all my groups of friends, but I don't have an annual reminder to show me that I'm doing it.
I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.
I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Posturing or Fronting or Whatever you want to call it...
I've become way more aware of the fact that I try way too hard to establish myself. I don't know where this trend came from but I fall into it super easily. It's this whole subconscious attempt to let people know who I am. I AM IMPORTANT! I am intelligent! I am strong! Why? It's this endless game of trying to passively gain other respect. It's an overflow of the type of insecurity that strikes and makes you concerned that other people don't give you enough credit that other people don't value your worth enough.
I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.
I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thoughts on Tree of Life
So I saw Tree of Life yesterday. And it was alarming and tense and inscrutable and random and kind of a mess at times.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
I loved it.
It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.
It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.
Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.
So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Overexposure and Excess of Influence. Geez this title is pretentious...
So I've never really been big on illegally downloading music. Sure I've done it, but it never really sat right with me. Especially having known struggling musicians who were just trying to get by, I know how important it is towards the livelihood of a band to gain some traction with sales. So, most of the time, if I like a band I buy their stuff. But there's something interesting that's been happening over the last year or so that is really changing the landscape of how this all works. People really aren't charging for music quite as much as they used to.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.
There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.
Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.
Friday, July 22, 2011
1, 2, 3... hold on 3 and then go or go on 3?
Fear can be a funny thing. It can lock us up to the point that we avoid the things in our life that might be the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most amazing. We lock ourselves into these places we call responsibility, stability, sensibility in a sort of comfortable rationalization that keeps us from ever discovering the epic that might be out there if only we had the gumption to take it.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.
Go.
Now seriously.
This is a big deal.
To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.
It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.
Try and stop me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Life as a house... crappy movie/great point
So I was watching "Life as a House" the other night. Man that's a bad movie. It's cheesy in all the wrong ways. Hayden Christensen (sp?) can't act to save his life. It's melodramatic. It's ridiculous. It also makes a really amazing point.
We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.
I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.
The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.
I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.
We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.
I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.
The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.
I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
We see what we let ourselves see.
It's been a strangely cultural summer. I'm not trying to sound pretentious when I say that. It's not like I'm sitting in the Getty sipping pellegrino and listening to Chopin or anything. I just mean I've been able to invest in the side projects that I enjoy so much more than other summers. I've listened to a lot of music, wrote some, read some Eggers and some Eliot and some Akhmatova. It's good stuff. But I'm realizing how much I have really started to hone in my influences. I really want to get away from that. It's not like I'm trying to do that persay, but I'm realizing how myopic what I let influence me is. I listen to a lot of hip-hop but all from a fairly specific vein. I read a lot of stuff but it's all this sort of rambling all over the place prose. It's the kind of stuff that I like to write. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any intention of cutting out any of those things. I love me some Frank Ocean and reading Eggers really fries my bacon. That's not the point. Is it the point? No it's not the point.
I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.
I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.
I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.
I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Of T-shirts and Lennon and growing up... begrudgingly
I bought a t-shirt at Urban the other day. This is hardly exceptional. I half live in the Urban clearance section. Perfectly weathered indie/hipster t's for nine dollars? Yes please. It's nothing all that special, it's essential the lyrics to the Beatles "Revolution"... they're screened on and slightly weathered. This is neither here nor there, but what I've been thinking a lot about lately is Lennon's idea that revolution is often necessary and valuable but destruction doesn't have to be a part of that revolution.
I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.
This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.
So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.
I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.
This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.
So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thoughts on Beats, Rhymes, and Life
So I went to see the new A Tribe Called Quest documentary in Hollywood this week. It was amazing; this candid, real, honest glimpse at an incredible hip hop group that really let their music do the talking. I could really go into how much I dug how balanced the piece was or how interesting the members of Tribe are but that's not what got stuck in my head after. There was a creativity to the group that was just insane.
There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!
There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.
The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.
There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!
There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.
The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Still Processing about starting to process.
The process of processing (that just sounds ridiculous... the act of processing? the business of processing? just processing?... nm) is such a unique thing. It's one of those things that is uniquely subjective and at the same time we can get so completely wrong. I'm a completely verbal processer. I just need to get everything out, to vomit forth the insanely jumbled mess that is wreaking havoc on my psyche and looking at the mess that's out there in front of me, selectively pick through the dregs to figure out what I'm actually holding on to. I'm the mental equivalent of 52 card pickup.
That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.
If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."
The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.
That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.
So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.
So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.
That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.
If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."
The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.
That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.
So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.
So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
3S1P: Memory knots
1) "Most of the Time" Bob Dylan
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke
It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.
Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."
How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke
It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.
Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."
How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
3 Song 1st Person: Bringing it Back
So, basically I'm trying to keep writing. Not so much for anyone else, but basically just to keep myself in the habit. After I come back from traveling there's usually about a one week lag before I completely forget about writing. I don't want to lose it. So in between more "serious" posts, I'm going to bring back 3S1P. It's a writing exercise I gave myself a little while back. Simple rules: I hit shuffle, listen to the first 3 songs that play, write on the 3rd. So here goes...
1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New
This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.
"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.
The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.
So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.
1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New
This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.
"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.
The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.
So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Adam is Annoying... and usually right
So on my last blog post, Adam wrote a comment that really annoyed me. Well it kind of annoyed me. More so it just bothered me because he had a really good point. Well, he, Emmet, and Q had really good points. This is irrelevant. I'm rambling. Maybe coffee was a bad idea this morning. Sorry.
Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.
Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.
I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.
Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.
Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.
I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.
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