In Transit

Best in 2011

2011-12-13T08:52:00.001-08:00

So I already posted my favorite music of 2011 here: http://aftertheradio.wordpress.com... but I wanted to comment a little on my favorite movies of the year:

The Descendants - Clooney is stinking amazing in this. But everyone is amazing in this. This film does such an amazing job of dealing with real grief without falling over into ridiculous cliches or redemption that seems unearned or unreasonable. Walks that tightrope between humor and pain really effectively and any movie that manages to get a good performance out of Matthew Lillard deserves mad props.

Warrior - Geez this movie is a suckerpunch. You think it's an action movie, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's MMA Rocky, and it sort of is, but it's not. You think it's a redemptive family story, and it sort of is, but it's not. A friend of mine put it best when he said he's never seen a movie manage to hit every cliche in the book while still missing them and I think that's bizarrely accurate. Definitely worth your time.

Tree of Life - No narrative, barely any dialogue, almost incoherent at times, but it's easily one of the most visually stunning movies I've ever seen. It's a meditation on the "Where were you when I..." speech in Job. Was mulling over this one for weeks after and that's always appreciated.

Drive - So violent, so very, very violent. But some of the best images/music combinations in a movie I've ever seen. Turns the whole noir/superhero genre on it's head. Doesn't go at all where you expect it to. Such a good movie.

The Ides of March - A really nuanced portrayal of one mans turn from idealist to cold pragmatist. The dialogue is insanely good and really draws you into the seedier side of politics. Probably the best closing shot of the year.

50/50 - I really enjoyed this one. Felt like a lot of people forgot about it at the end of the year, but it's a refreshingly genuine look at illness, grief, despair, etc. One of the only times I've been ok with Seth Rogen in a movie.

Beats, Rhymes, and Life - I love Tribe Called Quest, so this is a biased pick. But I thought this was a really well made, very insightful look into one of the best rap groups ever. Had a blast seeing this one.

Attack the Block - A kid's adventure movie that's not for kids. A genre bending sci-fi action flick, that's also a little bit of a thriller, that's also a social commentary, that's also freaking hilarious. Maybe my favorite movie this year.

Midnight in Paris - Holy crap this movie is amazing. Great acting, great references to historical figures, funny and it pulls all these things off without ever hitting you over the head with them. What sounds like oscar bait on paper never seems desperate and that's incredibly impressive. Really enjoyed this one.

Best Popcorn Flicks:

MI-4 - Really, really solid action flick. Great set pieces, and more solid actors means less Tom Cruise time... always a good thing.

Crazy, Stupid, Love - I'm really impressed with how good of a movie this was. I'd be tempted to put this on my best of the year if it wasn't so clearly fluff. I won't say much cause it's worth going into untainted but it's well worth your time.

Super 8 - Just watched this one a second time and it was way better on the second viewing when separated from all the hype. Like a love letter to my childhood. Nothin' wrong with that.

X-Men First Class - Easily one of the best superhero movies made. Probably surpasses Singer's versions. Really impressed by how character driven this was.

Movies I haven't seen yet, but I'm pretty sure will make my best of:

The Artist
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Biggest Disappointments:

War Horse- Really?! Seriously?! People thought this was Oscar worthy? Cheesy, plodding, an unnecessarily long opening two hours. Folks, just because the last 45 minutes effectively tugs at your heartstrings doesn't mean you should excuse a movie that is easily 2/3 lazy filmmaking. Dang it Spielberg, I was hoping for more from this.

Young Adult - The ending of this one really pissed me off. I'd totally agree with a friend's analysis who said the ending speaks more about the writer than anything else. Almost (well maybe not even almost) a truly redemptive film that approaches incremental change and then has the movie laugh at you and say super sarcastically "let's be honest no one ever changes." Super frustrating.

Simplify Simplify

2011-11-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

I've been overwhelmed by music this year. It's been insane. The music industry has been an institution in flux for some time now but I've felt that shift more than ever before this year. I've always loved music. Always felt challenged by it, inspired by it, wanted to hear as much of it as possible. But that desire has been tempered, in large part, by the fact that money was always an issue. Without going to far into the argument, I've never been a huge fan of illegally downloading music. Having had friends try to make it in the industry I know how much of a difference buying a record can make for a small band. So, for the most part, I've tried to stick to music I could afford. That, though, is becoming less and less of a buffer. Bands are increasingly making music on their own and releasing it for free. Music blogs are presenting more and more legally downloadable music. Suddenly, the restraining influence of a budget is gone. Bring on the tunes. Looking through my music I've added around 900 songs in the last 4 months. That's about 15% of the music I've ever owned. I know that's nothing for some people, but the trend is crazy to me.

All that to say, I'm realizing that the destruction of the barriers to information that has happened over the last 15 years has made me a man of very diverse influences. Music, movies, books, data are all at my fingerprints and I've become something of an information hound (that's a very polite way of putting it). I'm realizing lately that it's not necessarily a good thing. I rarely process information anymore. I rarely digest media. I rarely consider the impact of anything in my life. It's really no wonder that my generation is so freaking nomadic, so incredibly unsettled. We're never forced to sit and savor anything.

This thought process has been an ongoing one, but it really hit me again watching an interview with Donald Glover. He was talking about his new Childish Gambino project and was asked what albums really impacted him. He was able to instantly rattle off a few choices. THat's becoming harder and harder for me to do. I rarely give anything time to take hold. I'm really trying to get back some of that. I want to read a few select books this year. Really read. Not the speed reading I'm used to. I want to sit, savor, marinate. I'm trying to let a couple albums really sink their teeth into my brain. I want to watch a couple of movies over and over and get back some of that love for dissecting a shot or a line or an edit. I miss those days.

Maybe this is nostalgia rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's a healthy response to a crapload of information. I'm not exactly sure. I don't hate the fact that I have a world of information at my fingertips but I'm not going to ignore the fact that it could mess me up either.

Ambition isn't cheap

2011-10-25T19:53:00.001-07:00

Ambition is a funny thing because so many of us have it but so few of us are actually willing to do anything about it. I'm six years into this teaching thing and I'm realizing that it would be so ridiculously easy to quietly sink into resignation, to succumb to the urge to just be what I am now and nothing more. I used to talk to friends in college about adults I lost respect for because it seemed like they settled, like they just gave up on life. That doesn't seem so far off now. I was an arrogant little prick. What makes it so hard is that ambition is usually in direct opposition to comfort. In my teens comfort was friends and acceptance, in my 20s comfort was having a job, friends, and acceptance. In my 30s it looks like you just throw family in there, shake, and serve. I don't want that.

I was talking to a friend of mine about what life in the Spirit actually was and wasn't. He was saying that life in the Spirit, real life in the Spirit is something that very few people want because it's extremely unpredictable, it's often hard, it's never comfortable. It tells one person to sell all his/her possessions and tells another that it's ok to have them if used them a certain way, it leads one person to leave everything to live in Africa and another to live on the beach in California. It's chaotic and it often seems unfair.

These two things have been coming to a head lately because I'm realizing that I A) don't want to live without ambition and B) my principle ambition is to live life fully in the Spirit. That seems terrifying. I've known very few people who actually do this and those I have known have lived insanely tumultuous lives and not often in the fun way. That being said it's the only thing that seems worth chasing that really means anything at the end of the day.

Kiwis make great music

2011-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Naked and Famous at the belly up on Sunday. They're quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and if you haven't heard of them I highly recommend you check them out. One of the things that really impresses me about seeing them live again is how much they really dedicate themselves to wringing every last drop of energy out of their songs. This isn't mindlessly throwing yourself around the stage kind of music. This is recognizing the potential for expansive sound in your songs and really bringing that out to the biggest possible point. It was incredible. In doing so, they made their less known tracks more memorable, the gave new life to the overplayed ones. It's the kind of show that reignites your love for a band and that's the second time one of their shows has done that for me.

It made me realize though, there's something so infectious about being genuinely committed to what you're doing. There's something genuine about it that really brings out a similar freedom to commit in your audience. We're so quick to lock up and check our surroundings to see if it's ok to let loose. When the band feels free to do that, it changes the whole paradigm. People start dancing who wouldn't normally. Fans are made. Hipsters start to loose their "I'm too cool for this" edge. It's a good time all around.

By extension we rarely do this in life. More often we let the pressures of our obligations, the influence of friends and community, the dynamic of a place determine our commitment. We are responsive over transformative. The shame in that is the way that it subtley kills the unique transformative qualities that each of us has. We become Eliot's desperate men, quietly allowing ourselves to slip away. I've been trying this week to shake that, to carry a certain boldness into interactions into what i'm trying to do. That probably means I'm going to fall flat on my face and seem ridiculous more often than I'd like but it's probably worth it.

Taking your own medicine tastes like Robitussin

2011-10-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

So I was speaking in chapel this week on identity... the identity we've been given, the identity we're told we should have, the identity we chase. This seems a bigger issue in light of the whole facebook/tumblr/twitter thing. Identity is ours for the making and remaking. This seems a problem but maybe that's just me.

The talk was on Zacchaeus and the was in which he pursued power/influence/respect and how quickly that dissolves in one interaction with Jesus. For whatever reason, one interaction and he's generous, compassionate, justice focused. It's incredible especially when you realize there's no miraculous healing, no deep interaction like the woman at the well. There's only acknowledgement.

We had the students complete an exercise where they were given sheets of dyed paper and told they could trade or keep them. After discussing the exercise I spoke on not letting others force you to accept an identity that's not you, on not being apathetic about your identity, on not trying to get rid of the parts of yourself that are uniquely you just because they're not approved of by your culture. It was one of those talks that starts out like "Oh yeah this is good stuff for them" and ends with "man I'm so bad at this" I hate it when that happens. It's super annoying. It feels like I'm just avoiding truth that I clearly should be aware of but have, for whatever reason, completely avoided doing anything about. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Whenever I walk into a new setting I'm almost immediately evaluating the room to figure out the best me for that situation. I know this is an old thing with me. It's not like I haven't been grappling with it for years or anything, but it's been more focused lately. I'm really crappy at being anyone but myself. I'm horrible at adapting to people's expectations of relevant or cool or interesting or enlightened. I'm not sure I care to try anymore. I told a friend of mine my theme for the year (yes I know I've been big on theme lately) is "say something" I'm at a point where I'm going to do what I think is right and if people have a problem with it they can either say something and I'll totally discuss it with you or keep quiet and I'm not going to waste time wondering if you actually have a problem and aren't saying anything. It just feels more sane that way.

80s movie spirituality

2011-09-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's a classic 80s formula. Teen/kid decides his or her life is unsatisfactory, figures out that changing their personality would fix everything, makes the change, realizes that who they were was what's important. Everyone ends up happy. See Can't Buy Me Love, Lucas (to a certain extent), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if you believe the theory that the whole thing happens in Cameron's head... look it up, it's trippy). It's a fairly well accepted and overused film convention. What's interesting, though, is that for as much as we understand that basic premise so many of us completely ignore it. In the desperate, scrambling search for value and acceptance that we're all on we constantly adapt who we are to gain approval.

I was thinking about this in church last week. The pastor, in perhaps the strongest moment of his sermon, said that the ways in which you pursue friends and community will define the ways that you pursue God. That floored me. I've been aware for a long time that I have a tendency to modify my personality to fit whatever group I'm around (to the thinkers i'm a thinker, to the cynics I'm a cynic, to the hipsters I'm a hipster) but I've never thought about the fact that I have done the same thing with God for the better part of my life. In my pursuit of the Almighty I have consistently been who I thought he wanted me to be when I interacted and not who I actually was. This seems ridiculous when considering that he made me and knows me better than anyone else no matter how I'm acting. But still... that's pretty much what I do.

Instead of just being the real, flawed, broken, messed up person I am I try to approach God wearing a lot of different hats. To varying degrees I try to act like a monk, saint, pastor, worship leader. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it essentially means that my relationship with God is based on a sham... a sham that I'm continually constructing and deconstructing. What's the point of that? What's the point in acting somber, penitent, etc. if I'm not really feeling that way at the time. I want to pursue God with integrity and a lot of times that means being honest about the fact that sometimes I don't feel like pursuing him at all because I'm human and, well, sinful. I knew a pastor once who used to say something along the lines of "Every other Monday I don't believe in God" That's alarming to hear a pastor say. But it's so honest. It so completely reveals the complexity of where he's at and where he's at with God. That's what I'm searching for. I'm trying to get to a place where, more than with anyone else, when I approach God I approach him as myself.

Patriotism and Church, Church and Patriotism

2011-09-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

So I went to a new church on Sunday, which for the purposes of this post will remain nameless and I really liked it. Overall I thought that it was really good. The community was diverse on pretty much every level and the sermon was solid, if a little fluff-ish. But there was something that kind of put me off in the service that I've been mulling over for the past couple of days. In the middle of the worship set, the worship team broke into "America the Beautiful" and asked the congregation to "sing it to Jesus." Now, granted, it was the ten year anniversary of 9/11 and the song does pointedly reference God's grace, but the whole thing kind of came across as just, well, wrong. While I'm hugely thankful for the unique freedoms and opportunities that are afforded me spiritually just by living in this country, singing a song that espouses how awesome the country is in the middle of a worship set just seems messed up to me. We already struggle enough with a misplaced sense that being an American makes you inherently more Christian, why push that further by trying to turn a song about America's worth into a worship moment. It just seems like an easy way to reinforce that mindset.

We are blessed it is true. We are fortunate. We are provided with liberty and freedom and tolerance that we have done little to deserve. Those things are certainly worth being thankful for. But at the end of the day the institution that is America is not what we should be pointing our eyes towards but instead the One who placed us there without us deserving it. I get concerned when honoring our home country reaches worshipful levels because what does that say to Christians who are in Uganda, Rwanda, Thailand, etc. Should they be less thankful for where God has placed them? I just feel like the whole thing puts a misplaced importance on our nation when in reality that spotlight should be focused on God and listening to see where he's leading us out.

First Day Back to School

2011-08-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's always interesting on the first day back. People get all over the place concerned about really random stuff. You see the parents freaking about about their babies growing up and taking another step. You see the kids freaking out about the year and how things are going to work out. You see the new kids feeling like they don't know how to fit in or how to define themselves. It's this crazy hustle and bustle that is pretty much exactly the same every year. It's this flailing attempt to figure out who you are, who you want to be, who your friends are going to be, what you're going to do, where you're going to go. It's a feeling that's rarely replicated but it's really interesting to see. People are very very desperate to latch on to community in that sort of situation. They want to find people who they can really connect with and who they can truly feel safe with. What's interesting though is that it's incredibly insulated. It's this sort of... whew I found my friends, they're mine, I'm safe, now I can make it through the day. It's going to be ok. I really don't have to worry about anything too much. What's interesting about this is this is basically how I view all my groups of friends, but I don't have an annual reminder to show me that I'm doing it.

I do the following with community A) Acceptance. I'm let in and find that i'm fairly compatible with the new group of friends that I've found. B) Entrenchment. I try to ensure that this is a group of people that aren't going to ditch me, that aren't going to leave me high and dry C). Fortification. I render myself passive and immune to any who feel isolated or feel like they don't have a place where they fit in. Sucks to be those guys. I do this because there's something of a genuine fear that new additions upset the delicate balance of things, they make it a very real and very frightening possibility that you will be abandoned, that you the new dynamic will screw up the thing that you consider to be home, the place that you feel most safe. That's terrifying and why would you want to mess with that. Why would you want to surrender the place where you feel most secure. That's your home, your refuge. What sucks about this is there are so many people that are being abandoned by this process. There are so many who don't have that sense of security and optimism. They're just screwed. I don't know that I've got the confidence to change the ways that I'm doing this. But I feel like I have to.

Posturing or Fronting or Whatever you want to call it...

2011-07-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've become way more aware of the fact that I try way too hard to establish myself. I don't know where this trend came from but I fall into it super easily. It's this whole subconscious attempt to let people know who I am. I AM IMPORTANT! I am intelligent! I am strong! Why? It's this endless game of trying to passively gain other respect. It's an overflow of the type of insecurity that strikes and makes you concerned that other people don't give you enough credit that other people don't value your worth enough.

I think guys do this all the time, but I hear girls do it too so maybe that's just an unnecessary generalization. We do it through our speech, through gaining definition from our occupations, through our purchases, through our relationships. It's like we're all trying to win this competition that no one will admit they're entered in but everyone is playing and desperate to win. It's the reason we go immediately go to occupation and education when we start conversation with people. It's the reason that we care more about flash than substance. I'm just kind of over it. Well, no that's not true. I'm not over it at all. I'm desperate to have people appreciate my intelligence, my humor, my sarcasm, my accomplishments but I'm realizing that chasing that kind of recognition is an incredibly frustrating and rarely rewarding pursuit. So, I'm kind of over chasing it and I'm desperate to stop acting that way.

Thoughts on Tree of Life

2011-07-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

So I saw Tree of Life yesterday. And it was alarming and tense and inscrutable and random and kind of a mess at times.

I loved it.

It was this incredible look into what it means to wrestle with the forces of influence that exert themselves within; specifically through the perspective of a boys parents. There's something simply incredible in that. I was blown away by how realistically they showed the growth of the sons in this movie. That's something so hard to accomplish in film. Usually you have people go through these 5 minute long, montage-laden arcs where they are completely changed at the end or you have completely unbelievable growth where a person changes for no reason whatsoever. But there was something so genuine about the way in which the main characters changed, struggled, grappled with their lives and selves. It was wrenching.

It's also this collection of incredibly realized but very random images of creation. There's a reason for it and it really makes sense once you've seen the whole piece so I don't want to ruin it but it really sticks in your craw. There's something so humbling about seeing the complexity and diversity and scope of creation. It's mind blowing really. There were moments where I didn't really even know how to handle the images I was seeing. It's basically Malick's take on the speech in Job where God asks Job "Where were you..." and then gives a rundown of creation's beauty and His hand in it. I'm still processing the selection of images the placement of music.

Finally, with a couple exceptions, the performances are subdued and textured and amazing. The kids they found for this movie really knock it out of the park and Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt really do an incredible job of portraying very real people without falling too far into archetypes.

So if you want to see a dense and challenging and alarming and beautiful film go see tree of life. It's amazing.

Overexposure and Excess of Influence. Geez this title is pretentious...

2011-07-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

So I've never really been big on illegally downloading music. Sure I've done it, but it never really sat right with me. Especially having known struggling musicians who were just trying to get by, I know how important it is towards the livelihood of a band to gain some traction with sales. So, most of the time, if I like a band I buy their stuff. But there's something interesting that's been happening over the last year or so that is really changing the landscape of how this all works. People really aren't charging for music quite as much as they used to.

Radiohead shook the party up in 2007 when they released In Rainbows to the public with the simple request to pay what you thought it was worth. I chose not to pay anything. Yes I realize it was a Radiohead album. Of course I think it's worth more than that. Technically I paid like 60 bucks because I bought the limited edition vinyl. Stop judging me. Seriously this is a blog why would you come here to judge?! DUDE GO AWAY! ahem... sorry. Anyway my point being this was kind of the leading edge of a wave in music that sought to make music more accesible digitally. This was increasingly more feasible considering that music is becoming easier and easier to make without label support. You can make some pretty great music in your living room or bedroom or storage space or whatever.... especially know that recording software is so affordable and accesible. And so, since a lot of bands own their own music and can do whatever they want with it, a lot of bands are just giving it away for free.

There are a lot of places that you can access said music. Band websites, blogs (stereogum.com , hypetrak.com, and prettymuchamazing.com are all particularly awesome), and friends who do all the legwork for you. What ends up happening is you get a lot of music kind of thrown at you at once. This is creating an interesting dilemma. Back when music was hard to come by and expensive, you'd buy an album, obsess over it for weeks, internalize it, and share it all before you'd ever think of moving on to the next album. This is not the case anymore. In the last week alone I've downloaded (I'm not trying to boast or anything here just making a point): the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah track, a Washed Out Cover, the new Horrors single, three Ryan Adams covers, Bon Iver's Peter Gabriel cover, St. Vincent's new single, Lightouts new single, Best Coast's track for the Adult Swim sessions, new Frank Ocean and Cool Kids, some Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the new Blink track, and the new M83 track. All of said music was downloaded legally and the total cost... $5. So you end up in the midst of this deluge that's not that hard to manage. Add to this the fact that Amazon only charges $5 for a lot of digital albums and you're gonna be swimming in music.

Now on one hand this is an exciting thing. My taste's/influences/interests have really expanded as I've been able to explore a lot of new music that I wouldn't necessarily have explored before. I've had my eyes opened to music that I wouldn't have even been aware of before. On the other hand it's created an addictive taste for music that's hard to sate. I always want new, different, challenging and I have a tendency to zip through music without ever actually letting it settle and without ever actually processing it. That's not how I want to enjoy music and that's not how I want to live my life. I'm not sure what the happy balance is, but I feel like there has to be one.

1, 2, 3... hold on 3 and then go or go on 3?

2011-07-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

Fear can be a funny thing. It can lock us up to the point that we avoid the things in our life that might be the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most amazing. We lock ourselves into these places we call responsibility, stability, sensibility in a sort of comfortable rationalization that keeps us from ever discovering the epic that might be out there if only we had the gumption to take it.

I had a goonies moment this week; one that I'm not completely ready to reveal yet. If you don't know about the Goonies something is seriously wrong with you. No I mean that. Something is fundamentally, seriously wrong with you as a person. Go buy it or rent it or download it. Watch it. Then come back. Seriously I'll wait. I'm not joking. I know you think I'm joking but I'm really not.

Go.

Now seriously.

This is a big deal.

To those of you who left, congratulations you chose wisely. To those of you who didn't and thought that I wouldn't know. I'm on to you and I'm disappointed. In that moment in the bottom of the wishing well when they realize where they are and have the option to get the easy grab for some fairly meaningful cash or the option to press on you see that battle that rages within us at any moment we reach a crossroads. Do you grab the cash, the metaphorical bird in the hand, or do you reach for something more. Do you settle or do you loudly proclaim that this is "your time" and chase after that impossible dream that could be a massive disaster or could literally open your life up to something more.

It's my freaking time. I've made a lot of decisions in the last couple years in the interest of stability and responsibility. It's my time. I'm going after that ship. I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to settle.

Try and stop me.

Life as a house... crappy movie/great point

2011-07-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

So I was watching "Life as a House" the other night. Man that's a bad movie. It's cheesy in all the wrong ways. Hayden Christensen (sp?) can't act to save his life. It's melodramatic. It's ridiculous. It also makes a really amazing point.

We are all so desperate to maintain the life that we think we're supposed to. We all do this in different ways. Some life out of a sense of obligation and pursue responsibility at the expense of happiness. Some try forever to maintain the identity they feel will give them meaning. Some try to overcome a sense of obligation that they have to achieve. Some try to please everybody.

I definitely fall into that last category and I'm realizing how miserable that can truly be. I really freaking care way too much about what other people think. I hold back when I should be honest in the name of protecting feelings. I'm often only half honest in the name of protecting community. I try to act the way that I think everybody wants me to act when I walk into a room.

The thing that the movie really hit me with is that acting honestly and genuinely pisses off a lot of people. It really does. But it also really means a lot to a select group of people and those are the people that you want around in the end. I mean, who needs 5000 friends. Forget you facebook you're messing up my perspective on everything.

I have no illusions that I'm instantly going to start being completely honest with people. This is totally one of those processes that will probably take a very, very long time. But I'm going to get there. So help me I'll get there.

We see what we let ourselves see.

2011-07-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a strangely cultural summer. I'm not trying to sound pretentious when I say that. It's not like I'm sitting in the Getty sipping pellegrino and listening to Chopin or anything. I just mean I've been able to invest in the side projects that I enjoy so much more than other summers. I've listened to a lot of music, wrote some, read some Eggers and some Eliot and some Akhmatova. It's good stuff. But I'm realizing how much I have really started to hone in my influences. I really want to get away from that. It's not like I'm trying to do that persay, but I'm realizing how myopic what I let influence me is. I listen to a lot of hip-hop but all from a fairly specific vein. I read a lot of stuff but it's all this sort of rambling all over the place prose. It's the kind of stuff that I like to write. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any intention of cutting out any of those things. I love me some Frank Ocean and reading Eggers really fries my bacon. That's not the point. Is it the point? No it's not the point.

I just don't want to become one of those people who can only see things one way. I want my perceptions stretched and challenged. I want to be open to new visions and revisions. Ok I totally stole that from T.S. Eliot. Sue me it's a really good line. Seriously go read Prufrock. Do it now. Why aren't you going? Geez some people.

I'm just realizing that most of us develop these very particular views or paradigms that define our lives. We act from them. We live from them. We rarely challenge ourselves at all. Unless we're open to people messing with us and challenging us we basically just act the same way with minor modifications for our entire lives. That's so boring. For instance, I hate country. But I probably need to get over that cause there could possibly be some good country out there. I'm not saying I actually believe that statement or I think that I'm going to be proved wrong, but it's probably worth giving it a shot at least. Who knows? I do like Johnny Cash after all.

Of T-shirts and Lennon and growing up... begrudgingly

2011-07-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

I bought a t-shirt at Urban the other day. This is hardly exceptional. I half live in the Urban clearance section. Perfectly weathered indie/hipster t's for nine dollars? Yes please. It's nothing all that special, it's essential the lyrics to the Beatles "Revolution"... they're screened on and slightly weathered. This is neither here nor there, but what I've been thinking a lot about lately is Lennon's idea that revolution is often necessary and valuable but destruction doesn't have to be a part of that revolution.

I really struggle with that idea. When I come across systems or communities or organizations that are flawed... well, let's be honest, that I don't agree with... i want to tear the system down. I want to mess up the community. I want to change the organization. Viva la revolucion. Let's tear the gilded towers down! Let the rubble be the standard of our accomplishment. But that really has nothing to do with what God actually wants me to do.

This whole idea of destroying things in the name of progress has more to do with the American Revolutionary ethos than anything close to what is actually pushed in the Bible. More often than not we are called to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show mercy. Change comes from humility from displays of Christ like character from actually being willing to submit ourselves to frustrating systems. Now I'm not trying to make light of the need to fight for justice. There are systems that are in the world that must change; that must be fought against. But there's a lot of stuff that I don't need to destroy. If I'm frustrated with systems that directly affect me chances are good that there's not a lot of actual injustice going on. More likely there's a lot of frustration on my part. And there's probably more good to be done from living humbly and intentionally and honestly within those systems than there is in trying to fix them right away. Chances are also good that most of perceived frustration has more to do with my own weakness/shortcomings/flaws than with the community actually being messed up.

So yes, I want revolution but I don't want to gain it through destruction. I don't need conflict to create change. At least not with most of the situations that directly affect me. I have a luxury of living in a situation where the greatest flaws in systems, organizations, and community at best frustrate me but don't actually harm my life or livelihood in anyway. So maybe I just need to be more patient. Awesome. I'm so good at that.

Thoughts on Beats, Rhymes, and Life

2011-07-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

So I went to see the new A Tribe Called Quest documentary in Hollywood this week. It was amazing; this candid, real, honest glimpse at an incredible hip hop group that really let their music do the talking. I could really go into how much I dug how balanced the piece was or how interesting the members of Tribe are but that's not what got stuck in my head after. There was a creativity to the group that was just insane.

There's a scene where Q-Tip is sitting there showing off some of his favorite records and talking about how much he enjoys collecting different sounds. He's talking about how when he bought the album he did because he liked the title and the girl on the front and the artists clothes. And then he plays the album and you hear this jazz melody that's fun but nothing that completely blows your mind. And then he starts talking about the drums and how amazing they are and you kind of hear the drums. And then, with two moves he strips, samples, and reworks the drum beat into something completely different. It's the opening drums in "Can I Kick It?" It's completely insane. Who does that?!?! Who hears that?! Who can pull something out and rework it that fast?!

There's something that's just jaw droppingly, all out insanely inspiring about creativity like that. There's a creative moment that just flattens you to the ground, makes you say "oh yes he did", and really makes you want to hear more. That's one of the most amazing things about art that you rarely get to see... the creative moment. The moment at which something or nothing or something completely ordinary becomes flat out extraordinary.

The whole film has gotten me writing even more, which I've already been doing a lot of anyway. But it's also reminded me that creativity doesn't have to come in the forms that we're "used to." It can be ripped from a record or torn off a wall or taken in a picture... but I really want to pursue that creative moment more.

Still Processing about starting to process.

2011-07-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

The process of processing (that just sounds ridiculous... the act of processing? the business of processing? just processing?... nm) is such a unique thing. It's one of those things that is uniquely subjective and at the same time we can get so completely wrong. I'm a completely verbal processer. I just need to get everything out, to vomit forth the insanely jumbled mess that is wreaking havoc on my psyche and looking at the mess that's out there in front of me, selectively pick through the dregs to figure out what I'm actually holding on to. I'm the mental equivalent of 52 card pickup.

That's a large part of why I started blogging in the first place. Because journals don't get any push back and because, to be frank, processing conversations really piss me off.

If I'm processing, I really don't want people to discuss the validity of what I'm feeling or provide insight into what I'm dealing with or to show concern or curiosity. For the most part I just want them to listen unless I really really really trust them. I don't really trust many people. Don't you trust me you might ask? Most likely no. And, unfortunately, even if I do trust you I have a tendency to trust you in a "Sure I trust you, but if you wouldn't mind would you be so kind as to show me your hands and empty out your pockets. Thanks. No no I do trust you. It's just a customary check. We do this with everybody. No, I do trust you. Trust me."

The problem is I really want to get a lot of this stuff out into community but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wrote for an hour straight last night on what's been frustrating me lately and where I see myself and what's really going on inside my head. I mean what's REALLY going on inside my head. Yes I'm frustrated and angry and frustrated with the world ... but I'm also hopeful and desperate to change things. I really want what I wrote to see the light of day, but I'm terrified of relinquishing control of it. To be honest, the last three times I've talked to people about something personal... I mean the really personal stuff, I've found out that those conversations became public knowledge within a week or two.

That sucks. I mean honestly. Do you really have to put a disclaimer on personal conversations that says "please don't share" and if you do, why share in the first place, because that disclaimer reveals that the people you are talking to are inclined to share anyway. So you find yourself in this cocoon of a location where you bottle up and bottle up and bottle up until you're so frustrated that you overshare and then you get burned.

So I'm trying to process a really gnarly experience this summer. Uganda, the alley shanties, the Dominican villages, El Callejon, the poverty, trying to figure out what impact is. I've got to find ways to be honest about how much it affected me and how much it pisses me off that it doesn't really affect that many people and how frustrating it is that individual impact is so small and how much you feel like people bail on issues that they've been made aware of. I'm also trying to be real about feeling isolated from church community in the midst of all that. About being tired of being the add-on to fifty different cliques. I'm trying to find people who are driven to make change in similar areas and frustrated by how few people actually are. But in the face of that I'm trying to figure out how to process all that when I need that to be a conversation in order for it to make sense and I don't really trust anyone to have that conversation. Or I do, but I'm rarely completely honest. And I know I need to get there. Telling half the story doesn't get me anywhere. Then you start creating this half version of what drives, inspires, challenges you, and then you start buying into the half version of yourself and you get really frustrated with the fact that it doesn't ring true.

So I'm getting ready to process and I'm realizing that if there's going to be real growth I'm going to have to be more transparent about what's pissing me off and what makes me cynical and what gives me hope and what makes me depressed and what gets me inspired. I can't create forty different versions of this experience anymore: the poet, the thinker, the activist, the game changer, the anarchist, the missionary, the coach. I've just got to be intentional about really being honest about how trips like Uganda affect all of those facets of my personality. I swear I can do it. I swear I can.

3S1P: Memory knots

2011-07-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

1) "Most of the Time" Bob Dylan
2) "Older Chests" Damien Rice
3) "Atoms for Peace" Thom Yorke

It's interesting how often we allow the circumstances of where we're at determine the course of where we're going. That made no sense. Or maybe it did. That definitely could have been one of those deeper statements that I could have pulled off with a sort of aloof, enlightened cool if I'd sold it right. But I'm writing and that seems impossible. Never mind.

Thom Yorke is incredible. He's just one of those artists who manages to effortlessly produce these incredible tracks that are emotional resonant and rattle around in your head for days. "Atoms for Peace" isn't really one of those songs for me. I'll be honest, it's not one of my favorite Yorke tracks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Radiohead and his solo stuff, but it's just one of those songs that I can listen to or pass on and be fine either way. But there's a single line in this song that just gets me. "No more talk about the old days, it's time for something great. I want to get out and make it work."

How often do we allow the places we've come from, the stuff we're still hanging on to, the life that we can't grow out of determine the steps that we take. How often does our past prevent us from being/becoming what we're made to become. There's something incredibly freeing about acknowledging nostalgia and then letting go of it to move forward. I just wish I did that more often.

3 Song 1st Person: Bringing it Back

2011-07-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, basically I'm trying to keep writing. Not so much for anyone else, but basically just to keep myself in the habit. After I come back from traveling there's usually about a one week lag before I completely forget about writing. I don't want to lose it. So in between more "serious" posts, I'm going to bring back 3S1P. It's a writing exercise I gave myself a little while back. Simple rules: I hit shuffle, listen to the first 3 songs that play, write on the 3rd. So here goes...

1) "Table for Glasses" Jimmy Eat World
2) "" Eddie Vedder
3) "Handcuffs" Brand New

This was a really weird buildup to the 3rd track. You get this sort of angsty/lovesick track from Jimmy Eat World, this nostalgic little ditty from Vedder, and then BAM! Brand New hits you in the chest like a mack truck. The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is easily my favorite Brand New album. It's also the hardest to listen to. This is usually the case when someone actually deals with what's going on inside their head with a very real honesty. Most of us are only fractionally honest when dealing with what's going on inside our heads. Jesse Lacey does not appear to be one of those people. A product of the NY private christian school system, Lacey's whole lyrical output for this album is filled with a sort of angry/confused/distraught/regretful look at the life that he came from. This isn't so much an album about being angry with the church. It's more an album about wondering whether or not you ever belonged in the church in the first place.

"Handcuffs" is one of those songs that deals directly with the demons within. It's an incredibly raw song where Lacey confronts the darker parts of his own personality. The parts of him that make him wonder what he would do if there were no consequences, no societal reason not to. It just might be the best look at what life looks like if there truly is no God I've ever seen. There's a despair that lurks underneath the song that's a common thread in the whole album. Lacey hates who he is, but doesn't know if he can be anyone else.

The whole song speaks to something that really bothers me about the church... yes I'm going there. Ok, maybe not "the church" but some churches that I've gone to. We have this very real tendency to act like we're sinful, but none of us are really all that messed up. This might be one of the most destructive philosophies going, because for those who are honest enough to realize their actually messed up (like we all are) it creates a feeling of isolation... a feeling that you have no business being in the church in the first place. I used to see it when I was in prayer ministry all the time. There were certain sermons where the pastor would say, "hey if anyone is struggling with _________ we'd love to pray for you" and no one would show. It was ridiculously frustrating, because you know that everyone is struggling with a lot more than they let on, but no one wants to lose face in front of the church. It's what leads people to create public "faces" that they think are more acceptable to their Christian friends. It's also one of those things that Jesus specifically condemns. See Luke 18.

So... yeah, the song is incredible musically, it's incredibly honest lyrically... which makes it really hard to listen to. But we probably should more often so that we chip away at those carefully crafted facades that we're trying so hard to maintain.

Adam is Annoying... and usually right

2011-07-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

So on my last blog post, Adam wrote a comment that really annoyed me. Well it kind of annoyed me. More so it just bothered me because he had a really good point. Well, he, Emmet, and Q had really good points. This is irrelevant. I'm rambling. Maybe coffee was a bad idea this morning. Sorry.

Anyway, Adam made a really good point about the wisdom of staying in one place for a bit and giving God a chance to do more. This got me thinking. A lot of what draws me out and makes me want to keep moving is what I want. I want adventure. I want new. I want bold. Give me challenges, new vistas, and opportunities for growth. What's funny about all this is that I rarely give God a chance to bring those things into the place that I'm at currently. It's this consistent attitude that I have to make my life to make it good. I have to shape it to get the things that I want. I undersell God a lot.

Tozer said that thinking that you could wrap your mind around God was a form of blasphemy; that thinking you, a mortal being, could understand a massive, eternal, all-powerful being was a form of arrogance. I'm realizing that there's a form of blasphemy in giving God less credit that he deserves. I never say this kind of stuff out loud, but a lot of times my attitude is that "God couldn't really do that, so I'd better take care of it on my own." The tension is trying to figure out the balance between the places where I'm being called to take a leap of faith and the places where faith is best represented by not leaping at all. That's what I'm trying to figure out in the wake of a challenging summer. When exactly am I supposed to leap and when exactly am I supposed to stand still and trust.

I'm really not sure how this is going to play out in the next months and years. I do know that I'm really bad at figuring this stuff out sometimes so I'm grateful for friends who point it out when I have a tendency to get a little myopic and start moving down a path that makes sense to me but might not be the best thing for me. So, thanks friends. For being annoying....ly wise.

Overthinking and overoverthinking

2011-07-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

Time to process is a funny thing, because you usually end up processing but not the things you intended on processing which in turn opens up new doors to things you need to process. Spectacular.

I spent the last four days in the Dominican Republic checking out a potential ministry site for my school. It was a pretty amazing site and the staff is doing some pretty impressive stuff/work in the area of balancing long term impact with short term visitors/assistance. I'll probably blog more on that later. It was really cool to go around to their different ministry sites (sports/social work/medical/microfinance) but what consistently happened is I just kept stewing in the fact that I'm at the point where I bolt. This is what I mean: Ever since I was born I've never done anything for more than 5 years. Ever. I never lived anywhere for more than five years. I've never had a job for more than five years. I've never stayed in a church for more than five years. Last year was my fifth year at Santa Fe which inevitably starts to bring up this sort of restlessness that works around in my brain like a bad itch. I can't help it. Should I stay? Should I move? Is it even worth thinking over. It's not that I have any desire to leave Santa Fe persay, but the whole 5 year thing has this very real tendency to make me think and rethink and rerethink what I'm doing. Is this really what I want to be doing for decades? Am I having the impact I want to have?

I'd love to say that being in the DR gave me a renewed sense of solidity in where I am, but if anything it just kind of made the whole thing worse. Every missionary we talked to talked about being restless in their job/position. Everyone talked about having these moments when the wanted to move out into the world. The site director even looked me in the eye and said, when you're going to head out into missions God just might give you this "holy restlessness."

I'm not saying I'm going into full time missions. I'm not saying I'm leaving Santa Fe. I am saying that I feel extremely unsettled. Do the advantages of working in a school that provides for coaching/missions/leadership outweigh the disadvantages of an entitled and often extremely surface-y community? Do I have as much of an impact as I think/want to have? Am I even really that good of a coach or a teacher? What if I'm doing these things just because opportunities presented themselves and not necessarily because that's where ministry was going to happen? What if there's something that was more challenging that could really be impactful? Am I staying because it's safe? Am I thinking about leaving because it's safe? Why am I thinking so much?

Basically I'm leaving the DR with a ton of questions. And I haven't even started processing the Uganda trip yet.

Super.

People Watching

2011-06-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the Miami Airport, half checking email and half people watching. People watching might be one of my favorite things to do and it's really next level when you're in an airport. There's something about a cross section of all walks of life crammed into a small space and forced to deal with the stresses of getting somewhere that really makes the whole process interesting. And it's really funny how quickly you see groups start to form. You've got the frazzled parents with the difficult/fussy kids, the executive business men with their tailored suits, the glammed out first classers, the teens/twenty somethings in some form of pajamas, the school and missionary groups, the frat boys/sorority girls who are already partying in the aiport.

What's unsettling/weird about this whole experience is I never see "me" when I'm traveling alone. I never go. Oh, there you are, there's another nomadic/responsibility avoiding/somewhat established but still figuring out his life/wanting just to see the world and keep moving kid. I know these are all things that would be hard to identify when just watching people, but I feel like I never go... oh yeah, that's totally me.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with the phase of life I'm in. I really dig it, I honestly do, I just feel a little bit like a fish out of water sometimes. Like the place I'm in is just an uncommon place. When I think about this I don't feel sad or melancholy or aloof, I just feel ... distant. Like I'm standing outside of the entire thing looking in. I realize that there's not much about an airport that's all that different from the day to day of regular life, I'm just more aware of it.

All that to say I'm not saying that I want to find an inroad to one of those groups... get the high-paying job/the 2.5 kids/skew even younger than my age. I'm just wondering if I'm really in a place that is as unique as it feels or if people in that place are just hard to identify.

Wondering that's all.

Here we go

2011-06-27T16:14:00.001-07:00

I realized something today as we were flying around London at breakneck speed. The team that I took to Uganda basically had 4 hours to spend time in London and instead of staying in one spot, we basically just went all over Central London. It felt really familiar, especially for a place that I really hadn't spent any time in for about 3 years and even then only for a day. I realized something that I've tried to "grow" out of for a very long time.

I'm better if I'm mobile. It's a fact. I've spent most of my life fighting my nomadic instinct, trying to comprehend the complexities of what makes me itch to travel. I process and process and overprocess what makes me what to settle. But there's no escaping it. As much as I want to fight it. I'm better adrift. I'm bold, I'm aware, I'm reckless, I'm more likely to be vulnerable. I'm also usually out of my mind freaked out about what's going on, but that's not a bad thing.

Sitting still usually means complacency for me, which usually means regression, or apathy. Whatever the case, I have this real tendency to end up sitting and doing nothing. I'll call it rest or much needed recovery, but most of the time I'm just loafing. And I fall into this really self focused kind of mood where I'm not really aware of what's going on around me. Unfortunately this is what defines the better part of my life. I work. I rest. I work. I rest. I repeat as necessary. In the meantime, I'm kind of useless.

But give me wheels or wings or tracks and it's a whole different scenario. I deal with junk. Meaningful junk. The kind of junk that helps you get places. I'm aware of what's going on around me. I'm considerably less moody... well, at least lately... still working on that one. I'm far more likely to take risks of faith, life, relationship. I get stuff done. And I get into this weird contented place where I'm on the move. This place where stuff that normally would bother me rolls off of the back a lot faster.

This is a lot of nonsensical rambling, but I'm really just trying to figure out what to do with the fact that I think I'm better nomadic and figuring out where to go with that. What does that look like if I try to apply it as a positive rather than run from it as a negative. Everybody tells you you have to settle down at somepoint. What does like look like if you don't actually think you're supposed to do that?

Reflections on Judges 6

2011-06-24T21:59:00.001-07:00

Perspective is a funny thing. It can literally dominate the way that we live our lives if we allow it to and it's often only as accurate as our understanding is. I feel like I don't understand most deeper issues, so that's a little disconcerting. We've started each morning this week on the roof of the school. We watch the sun come up over Mukono, throw on some sunscreen, drink some coffee, and get ready for the day. While we were up there the other day, one of my students said she thought I should read Judges 6. So I did.

That kid read my mail.

Judges 6 is literally a chapter of God trying over and over to reform the identity that Gideon has for himself. God starts the chapter off by calling Gideon a mighty warrior. Gideon spends the rest of the chapter trying to prove him wrong. God tells Gideon to do something. Gideon carries it out at night so that no one sees him doing it. God tells Gideon to do something else and Gideon asks for confirmation, reconfirmation, re-reconfirmation. And still, this is the man that God considers a mighty warrior.

I've been realizing over the last few days that I spend a lot of time chasing who I think I am. And this is often defined by what I think I can't do, what I think my limitations are, what I think are my shortcomings. I try to frame myself in. I'm just being realistic right? I'm just trying to pursue what's possible or what's pragmatic. This kind of approach, though, keeps leaving me restless, feeling like there's something missing. I'm beginning to realize that as long I try to be what I think I can be, I'll never fully become what I was actually intended to be. Which would be a shame really, that could be pretty cool.

Reflections on Judges 6

2011-06-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

The Halfway Point

2011-06-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

There's something about morning in Uganda. The air is cool The cooking and rubbish fires haven't started yet. The busy traffic of the day is still for the time and the birds are busy in the early calm. It's incredible. I've been coming here every summer for five years and I always almost miss it. I almost pass over the peace of that early morning in focusing on the busyness of the day. Reading Ezekiel 37 in that early calm I was absolutely hammered by an idea.

I am ridiculously arrogant.

I've got this insanely self-centered idea that my sin is somehow past the point of God's redemption. I convince myself that I've done it, I've messed up too much, cut myself off, and felt that I'm beyond the point of saving. What's ridiculous I'm doing this in the same breath as I'm saying or stating or professing that I believe in a God that restores nations, that raises the dead, that breathes life onto dry bones. To say that I think that I'm done is to say that God's love can't handle my sin, which minimizes that love and is really arrogant... and probably a little blasphemous.

I was looking back at my journal from last year and realized that there's a common theme in every trip I take here. I leave with a desire to live my life unhindered; to run towards God with everything I have, arms flung wide. I'm not saying that I want to go all Mother Theresa or anything (well who knows) but I want to live with an authenticity that seeks to take every step in the identity that I've been given by God and not by myself. I just want to live in a manner that's true to the grace and love I've received and not selectively receptive to it.

I really wish it didn't take a trip to Uganda to remind me of these things. I really wish that I could hold onto it for more than a year. But hey... I'll take what I'm given.

What I Want

2011-06-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

I went down to Ocean Beach last night with Ape because I wanted to introduce him to the California Burrito at Ortiz's (if you haven't had it... sweet moses that carne asada is tender). Walking around below the pier in Ocean Beach where a lot of the homeless folks hang out it reminded me of how comfortable I used to be there and how insulated I've become living in North County. I was thinking about this as I get ready to leave on Monday for Uganda. It's easy to ignore a problem, to not be impacted or affected by it, as long as we are able to compartmentalize it.

If I don't see it it's not really there.

That's a horrible thing to admit, but it's ridiculously true. Every time I go to Uganda I'm floored by the level of need, the need for assistance, the opportunities for impact and ministry. Every time I get back I move on within 5-6 weeks. I really wish that wasn't the case, but it's true.

What I want more than anything is to consistently and intentionally be aware of those in need. In need emotionally, financially, spiritually. I want to press into those uncomfortable places where people are real and raw and I can't isolate myself by living in a bubble. I'm well aware that I can't do everything, but I don't want to live large parts of my life ignoring the things around me that I can impact. Whether I ignore them out of fear, or discouragement, or being uncomfortable, I don't want to just move on from moment to moment, or experience to experience. Because the longer the time gets between these moments, the harder it is to engage with people who really need help and encouragement and God. I don't want to become incompetent at being there for people because it happens so little often. I don't want to become so desensitized that need seems like a freak occurrence that I just need to press through.

Does it matter if it isn't real?

2011-06-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about facebook (which I have a low grade addiction to, but I digress) and we were talking about how hard it is, in the age of social networks, to avoid creating multiple identities for ourselves. Facebook, like so many other forms of digital culture, can help us to create our perfect personality, our perfect identity. We can craft and craft and craft until we lose the flaws that help to so define who we are.

I was thinking about this the other night when I was playing LPs for Ape, trying to explain why I loved vinyl. I played him some Otis Redding, Beatles, Black Keys, and Death Cab. I try to get him to appreciate the crackle, the pop, the way that reverb makes a sound feel like it's actually echoing from a smoky hall or club somewhere.

I'm realizing that my love of the LP has nothing to do with the sound.

There's something about physical media that is so much more genuine than anything that we've created in the digital age. It's the fact that it's so much harder to hide the different parts of your personality with physical music, books, pictures than it is with digital ones. With music alone I can download thousands of tracks in minutes and delete anything that I don't like or I don't think reflects well on who I am. Physical media is harder.

I remember going to the music store down the road from my apartment in Rhode Island and searching through the racks for the album I wanted. This was a commitment, one that would linger, one that would add to my musical identity. People who looked through my CDs would see it and gain a glimpse into my tastes and interests. And I had some albums that I would rather not admit I had. DC Talk's Free at Last (badly executed Christian rap... oh baby!), The Greatest Hits of Huey Lewis and the News, The Beach Boys Christmas album. But you don't just throw out a CD. If you hate it enough, you'd trade it, give it away, try to find a used music store where you could sell it back. And if you kept it, it said something about you. No matter how much you claimed the opposite, no matter how much you tried to deny it, you just might enjoy Poison, you just might get down to Boys II Men. And so a music collection became a very real thing, because it represented strengths, flaws, incredible finds, and massive failures. Now it's so easy when someone finds an embarrassing group in your music collection to say "I downloaded it off of my sister's iPod" or "I just downloaded a bunch of stuff from this one site" and you've completely separated yourself from any connection to your music.

That's why I love vinyl. I love the smell and the weight of a record. I love the process (and I do mean process) of putting it on the turntable. I love the atmosphere it creates. I also love that my collection is completely random and spastic, kind of like me. I may have Vampire Weekend, Death Cab, the Beatles, and Sam Cooke... but I also have the Star Wars soundtrack (thanks Casey!), Neil Diamond, Art Garfunkel. And I'm ok with that tension because it's incredibly genuine. And I'd rather have that than a completely "perfect" digital collection that hides the more embarrassing aspects of my musical tastes.

Ants

2011-06-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

There's about a week before I leave for Uganda... and I don't really handle spaces like this well. There's something about dead space that gives me restless leg syndrome like nobody's business. I want to move, want to travel, want to create something, want to discover stuff. I don't enter into rest particularly well. It's always been this way. Give me a break longer than a couple days and I'm itching to go, to do something. My mind runs wild, I start planning out adventures, I'll sporadically play my guitar, try to teach myself a new instrument.

I have a really hard time just chilling.

There's been the restless, nomadic undercurrent that I've been living out for most of my life. Probably because we moved so much as a kid. When you change schools 8 times as a kid, it kind of drills that into you. So I have a tendency to pursue the next a lot. It's not so much that I'm bailing on things. More that I'm just focused on the next adventure. This can be problematic because there have been times when I've bailed on communities or groups that really are good for me/really care about me. Thankfully there are a handful of folks that haven't bailed no matter how hard I've tried (Emmet, the Whitsetts, the Lyons, Bear, the Salladins, etc.)... but it's something that I'm trying really hard to productively work against... because I'm running myself ragged.

Rest can be intimidating, because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability that we never really acknowledge. We have to trust that things left alone for a day, or week, or month will be okay without us. We have to be okay with others really investing, really learning about who we are because we sit still long enough to have the deeper conversations. We have to be okay with realizing that we can't do everything and that true rest, real meaningful rest means getting rid of the things in our life that we can't balance without obscenely loaded schedules. These can be overwhelming things, especially in a culture that defines so much by success, by what we accomplish.

I was talking to a group of folks last night, relaxing, telling random stories, just chilling. And we started planning out a missions trip, getting excited about what we could accomplish with a small dedicated team, getting focused on what we could do if we really set out minds on it. And in the midst of that I almost lost that it was really good and live giving just to relax, to talk, to set aside plan for even a couple hours. It was really recharging just to be real even for a short time. I almost lost that when the conversation turned towards what we could "do." It really would have been a shame if I had.

Ninja Time

2011-06-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

Man I hate group dynamics. Perhaps this is too severe. I really dislike group dynamics. Not strong enough. I loathe group dynamics.

There.

There's something about spending time in any group that swells past 4 or 5 people that just makes me lose my bacon. This is something of an odd thing considering I'm pretty much the poster boy for the ENFP crowd (Myers-Briggs... google it if you're curious). But I really have a hard time in situations like these. I think it's something about the fact that once you get to a group this size one of two things are happening. You're either superficially connecting with everyone in the room or engaging with a few select people and then blowing the rest of the room off.

I don't really know how either of those options are supposed to sound like a good idea. I've spent way too much of my life investing in superficial relationships and I don't know if I have much time for it anymore. Now, some might counter this and say "it's a party dude, lighten up, have a good time." But that's just it... I feel like more and more often we (church friends? non church friends? me? where I work?) try to construct social situations where we don't really have to be vulnerable, or real, or authentic, and everything can be about a mile wide and two inches deep. Which is a super way to go through life without having to really know anybody (apologies Good Will Hunting).

I'm just to the point where I'd rather spend 2 hours really connecting with a handful of friends that hours skimming over the surface of a community. This is why I ninja out. The whole goodbye thing in a group setting that large seems superficial. "Goodbye friend, we didn't really talk all night, but it was great to see you." Really? Seriously? So I just bail. Because when I feel like a goodbye is significant, I'll give one. Of course this policy has led me to some epically bad attempted subtle exits from parties... but such is life.

Danger and Excellence

2011-06-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I went to see X Men First Class night and it really was excellent. Not just as a big budget summer picture or a superhero flick, but genuinely a good movie. It's pretty incredibly realize and breaks down that struggle for validation, acceptance, purpose in some pretty incredibly meaningful way. There are so many great moments throughout the film (Fassbender in Argentina?!... intensity!) but there was one sort of throw away moment that hit me like a sock full of nickels. One of the character says to another character (paraphrase) "you'll never reach your full potential if you're spending half your energy on hiding who you are." I really wish that statement didn't apply to me as much as it does.

Man I'm a chameleon.

I'm doing way better at this, but the better part of my post high school years has been spent on trying to be the person that will be most accepted by those around me. Truth is it takes a lot of energy and there's a certain fear that's carried that eventually you'll be found out for who you are. But still I find myself trying to play the hipster, the jock, the spiritualist, the responsible adult, the wisecrack. Now these are all parts of who I am, but none of them fully encapsulate who I am.

This past year was the year of saying no for me. I made a decision that I would intentionally say no to anything that I didn't want to do/didn't feel let to do. This was kind of a big step. What was interesting about this process was that what remained after the dust settled really said a lot about who I am. And I really like that person. That awkward, dysfunctional, emotive, overly sensitive, goofy, spastic, creative, weird person. But just being okay with that person isn't enough. The point I'm at is actually learning to enjoy being that person actively. To not wish that parts were different, that I finally settled down, that my career or education were at a different point, that my group of friends would look or act a certain way, that my ministry would have a particular identity. The step now for me is to really own the life I've been given and to really enjoy being myself in it. It's a crazy thing to realize you don't have to change for anyone or prove yourself to anyone. It's a bit crazier to actually live that way.

I was talking to my little brother the other day and we were joking that the theme of the summer was danger and excellence. It was a joke and I was basically just riffing on Year One which was a horrible movie, but had some funny lines. But it's pretty true that I really want to stop caring what people think and using all the gifts I've been given to their utmost potential (excellence) and I want to be bold enough to live in a way that says that the outcome is not as important as being genuine (danger). I think it's going to be pretty epic.

I know this has been something of a recurring theme in my life, but I think I'm finally getting to the point where I'm learning to really enjoy where I'm at and who I am. To really appreciate the relationships, the opportunities, the adventures I've been given. I'm pretty amped for that.

Targets and other Misconceptions

2011-05-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've chased a lot of stuff in my life. Some of it was stuff I'm glad I chased (education), some of it I figured out I didn't actually want (the navy), a lot of it was of the female persuasion. But a lot of my life has been shaped by a need to identify and chase goals. I want that job, I want that relationship, I want to be good at this or that. What's interesting about this process is that I rarely take the time to check and see if these pursuits are actually worth pursuing in the first place. It's usually about as simple as "that looks cool, let's try that" and suddenly develops a somewhat obsessive pursuit to make it happen.

Over the course of the last 10 years or so, I realized that the target was slowly becoming the chase itself. I was becoming less and less interested in the outcome, less and less concerned with enjoying the accomplishment, and more and more fixated on being successful in tracking something down, in proving that I could achieve the objective. I honestly think that's a large part of the reason that I've been pretty nomadic over the course of my post college years. It's not that I was running from anything, more that I wanted more stuff to run after.

That's really been changing over the last few years. I've felt really challenged to press into sustained investment. I used to think that the phrase "grow where you're planted" was a sort of challenge to prove that you could bloom anywhere. But growth is a process of seasons and years, not of a single flowering moment. I've looked at that phrase as a challenge, lately I feel like it's been an encouragement to continue to invest in the places I am, not where I might be.

My accomplishment focused brain doesn't take to this particularly well. Long term investment, like anything that you do for a period of time, goes through highs and lows, exciting and dull points. I don't handle the stagnancy well. But there's growing to be done there too. Valuable growth that I take for granted. The kind that brings out patience, faith, trust. Stuff I definitely need more of and need to appreciate developing. Basically I need to be ok with seasons where the target isn't immediately obvious and to realize that sometimes that's the point.

Graduation

2011-05-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's the last week of classes at the school I teach at and all of the customary pomp and circumstance is in full swing. Prom, baccalaureate, senior business week, senior trip, graduation. The class graduating this year is the first class I ever taught so I've been involved in the process a bit more than usual. It's pretty incredible to experience all of this from the other side. It's incredible to realize how little any of us knew or how little any of us know now.

We (americans? christians? people?) have this tendency to build milestone moments into our lives as sort of declarations that it's time to make important transitions. "You're 18, now you're an adult!" "You've graduated, time to talk school seriously/get a job!" and I've watched so many of the kids this week carry this look or demeanor that they've arrived, that they feel they finally have inherently made it. But why? Why do we create that expectation. Why do we place this burden of expectation on everything.

I remember thinking after I graduated from high school that it was time to be serious (that didn't last long). I remember after graduating from college thinking it was time to get married, since that's what everyone in my family had done before me (why? I didn't particularly want or feel ready to be married). I remember thinking after I got out of the Navy that I had to jump instantly into a new career (took a couple tries).

So much of this expectation is self imposed. We see movies that portray life in a certain way, read books that describe how it should be done, listen to songs that describe certain things as constants and then we desperately try to get everything to fall in line with these supposedly universal timelines.

This is all really stupid.

We put all this pressure on people to figure everything out, but maybe part of their individual development is actually just appreciating time spent in a place of uncertainty.

Now I'm not necessarily advocating the whole live with your parents at 28 without a job thing. I think you can make money while you're doing this. But why are people so obsessed with the whole cookie cutter thing.

The greatest thing I think that I've ever seen anyone figure out is that there is real freedom in completely following your own unique path. In doing things in a way that completely throws out the standard script and runs with something different. My friend Emmet has a business degree, a masters from Fuller, was a house painter forever, and is a missionary now. That's such a different timeline than anyone else I've known has been on, but it so completely reflects who he is and how God's worked with him. I think it would be hilarious if Emmet wrote a book on the life he's lived from the perspective that everyone should do it the exact same way. First, because I'd love to see people try. Second, because I can't see it work for anyone else. Third, because the tangent stories are hilarious. We can't live lives for others, much less tell them exactly how to make it work... so why do we keep acting like we can?

Digital Disconnect

2011-05-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

So I bailed on the iPhone. My phone was starting to glitch and faced with the prospect of having to fork over another 300 dollars to replace the thing, I started evaluating whether or not it was actually worth it. After a lot of thought/prayer/etc. I finally decided to bail on it. It's crazy how happy I've been with the decision.

I'm startled by how much time I spent on the thing.

I had a sense before, sure, mostly because my friends would give me crap about it. But not having it anymore, I'm keenly aware of how often I reach for it as a sort of security blanket, a digital fix to provide a virtual escape when my actual surroundings become intimidating. I have this real tendency to retreat when things become uncomfortable (hence the reason I ninja out of parties as opposed to actually saying goodbye to people) and the iPhone provided a ready retreat. As a result, I found there were a lot of times were I felt like I had no idea how to engage with people. I was so comfortable avoiding that when it wasn't an option, I wasn't totally sure what to do.

I think in a lot of ways I find these comfort touch points in my life. Places that I can run to if I don't want to be stretched/uncomfortable/etc. But I feel like that's a slow death that leads into an exceptionally boring life. I don't want that. I'd rather be challenged and out of my mind frustrated and growing than comfortable all the time and slowly becoming an entrenched personality with no room for growth.

Basically I'm trying to shrug off all of the things that bring out the especially ADD aspects of my personality. It's been good so far, but I feel like it's going to take some intentional work to really step back out into community, conversation, etc.

Comfortably Alone

2011-05-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

About halfway through the UK trip, towards the end of our stay in Edinburgh, I found myself restless like nobody's business. It was the kind of feeling that you get when you're a kid and you just feel like running. Simply running, in any direction, as fast as you can. My dad was crashing, but the city was still awake, so I grabbed my jacket, my ipod, threw on my shoes, and headed out the door.

There's something about walks alone in unfamiliar places. There's so much to process. Everything is new. Everything looks different, ominous, and alive at night. I literally just set out. I didn't have a particular destination in mind or any particular reason for walking. I just wanted to get out in the open and cruise... see where the city led me as I got sucked into the current of the late evening.

It's hard to describe what I felt that night, pretty much the only night that I set out on my own and explored. It was something like the feeling you get when you're doing something you love and you're just kind of flowing in it. That feeling that you're integrated into something you were made or meant to do. What's so incredible about that is the fact that a couple years ago that moment would have been dominated by frustration with being alone. I don't feel that way any more. I kind of love it. Don't get me wrong, I love being around people still, but there's something so satisfied about being unhindered and active, setting out on a path that you will walk on alone.

I think in a lot of ways, this also points to a larger issue that God's working out in my life that was continued with the Beatles tour (see earlier post). I think there's an inherent fear that arrives when we're alone (i.e. is this permanent, can I hack it, would others approve) that erodes our confidence and holds us back from the adventure we could experience if only we had the guts to take it on.

I'm ready for more of those "here we go" moments. Those first steps that you have to take alone where you literally have no idea where you'll be led and who you'll meet along the way. Whether that's more work in Africa, or Thailand, or coaching, or even something completely different, I'm down to be boldly uncertain.

You say you want a revolution...

2011-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

So, this just might be the start of an incessant stream of blog posts. Apologies to start: if you aren't in for my stream of consciousness ramblings, there's no offense taken. Feel free to surf your way on and I'll be happy as a clam. I realized the other day when my friend Audrey commented on fb that I hadn't written a single blog post over the last month. This, in reflection, seems odd since I started this blog to have a place to reflect on the things that I learned while traveling and I've been traveling for the past month. Why the silence? Well, to be honest, I haven't really been ready to verbalize any of it up to this point. But over the course of the past week I've realized that there's a lot that's really solidified for me, so here we go. There will probably be a lot of these. Consistent readers, thanks for your patience (hi mom).

Over the past month I've been a bit of all over the place. I went to York, Edinburgh, Liverpool, and London with my dad and Bangkok and Udon Thani with a group from my school. It's all kind of been a blur, this long mashup of different experiences, but it's one of the best travel spells I've been on in a long time. One of those good for the soul experiences that stands out. When we were in Liverpool (my dad and I) we found ourselves gravitating towards a lot of the Beatles themed experiences. The Beatles are one of those bands we've always bonded over. Abeey Road is one of my dad's favorite albums and my first introduction to rock 'n' roll. What was interesting is how much the experience changed my perception of the band.

You see, I've always been more of Paul fan than anything else. I thought he had a musicality that was unrivaled, I really dug his lyrics, felt like he was the glue that held the band together. I couldn't be farther from that opinion now.

John's my favorite, no question.

Moving through the beatles museums and galleries and experiences I realized that Paul literally spent his entire life trying to please everyone, making art that would appeal to everyone. He was the accessible one, the one who wrote music that warmed your soul but never really challenged you. John was the polar opposite: the rebel who refused to be edited, to change who he was for critical reception. This manifested itself in so many ways across the span of his life. Early on he was the snarky jokester using sarcasm to communicate his opinions. Later he was the defiant protester, questioning the status quo and confidently speaking his mind. And the more I saw John being true to who he was, the more disillusioned I became with Paul.

I'm way too much like Paul.

The single thought that resonated with me over and over again in Liverpool was that nobody likes you if you rock the boat, but it's hard to look at yourself in the mirror if you don't. You see, for whatever reason, God made me the person that I am and I don't think it was to placate people. I'm way to afraid of tension/friction... always trying to consider every member of the community and the problem with that is I'll never truly have the impact I could if I'm constantly trying to filter myself down into a version that doesn't offend anyone. I need to be me, people will be offended, that's ok.

I disagree with a lot of what Lennon said, but man I respect the fact that he never filtered himself, never shyed away from speaking out against what he didn't approve of. I'm at a point where that's what I want. I'd rather speak my mind and be accepted and rejected for what I really believe than try to placate everyone I meet. I'm tired of being digestible, safe, widely accepted. There needs to be tension otherwise nothing in this world will ever change and if nothing ever changes what's the point of being here in the first place.

The Joy of Involvement

2011-03-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

So I read this quote on a friend's twitter feed yesterday:

"I never trust anyone who's more excited about success than about doing the thing that they want to be successful at." -- xkcd

Holy crap that floored me. That's me in a nutshell and not at all in a good way. Three decades in and I'm still far, far too focused on being a success in everything that I attempt to do. I was having a conversation with one of the other coaches I work with a couple of months back and he asked me if I loved to win or hated to lose. Without blinking I said "I hate to lose." Because I do. I'm terrified of being viewed as a failure. But that view of failure is built on a lie that has buried itself deep into my psyche and I'm only starting to grasp hold of and get rid of.

You see, I've become certain that "winning" for me will never be found in victory, or acclaim, or professional success. Instead, I'm feeling increasingly called into faithful investment that finds relentless joy in being a part of the greater story that I'm being drawn into (so much about story lately!). What's incredible is not so much looking at events and labeling them as successful, but instead looking at eras or timeframes and seeing dynamic patterns for growth and change. There's something so compelling in seeing that continued drive and the love that it reveals: a love from a God that continues to draw us out despite our own "failings" and weaknesses.

I'm also reassessing the things I'm involved in and trying to intentionally look for the joy that can be found in being part, in knowing that I'm blessed enough to be involved in things that I love to do. It's crazy to think that I've had so many opportunities to be involved in ministry that has been life giving and meaningful over the last year and I really don't want to lose sight of that. It'd be a shame if I did.

Processing

2011-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend Jon after chapel this week and we were talking about Peter (the subject of chapel that week) and how it's incredible to actually list out the major events of his life, because he's a lot more flawed than we have a tendency to even realize. I mean, sure, he's the first apostle to understand that Jesus is the Messiah, he's really the rock and catalyst of the church's young growth, he shows an eagerness to completely leave everything behind ... but he's also the apostle that Jesus referred to as "Satan", he cut off a dude's ear, he denied Jesus three times, he isolated himself ethnically and got called out on it by Paul. He was deeply flawed all the way through his life. Looking at that, Jon said that he is really quick to forget that God is so much more about process than product, that he looks at the scope of our lives more than the individual successes or failures.

I'm so about product.

I've got this fiercely competitive side, which has always served me really well in sports as a player, but always leads me to this attitude where I am evaluating whether I'm winning or losing at that moment (no connections to Sheen intended). The problem with this is those fleeting moments are only part of the greater story of my life that God is calling me into. The story that's being woven into the even larger story of those I've been called to be in community with, and even the world that expands so far outside of that. So individual successes our failures while uniquely exciting and frustrating in the moment really have jack squat to do with the bigger picture.

I'm learning to surrender the product to the process, but this is not an easy thing. I was sitting down with a friend of mine and discussing the last season of soccer that I had just finished coaching. We had just lost a tough game and I was really focused on that game as a gauge for how the season had gone. In response to this, my friend stopped me and made me break down my top 5 moments for the season. What was so cool about that was the fact that none of the moments that came to mind were about winning a game, instead they were moments that reflected greater progress, growth, or success in the lives of my players. It really made me realize how easy it is to lose the plot in light of momentary failure and forget about what's truly important.

So I'm still pressing into this one. I don't want to lose sight of appreciating the small victories of the day to day or continuing to seek for fresh victory in areas where I'm falling short/failing, but I want to be more aware of the bigger picture, the larger story.

Finding myself to lose myself.

2011-03-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for the UK in a little over two weeks with my dad. It's been so long since I've traveled just for kicks, which is intriguing in itself because I have a real tendency to associate mission or soul searching or growth with travelling. I go on these intentional trips of soul searching and discovery, but this time I'm just bumming around England and Scotland with my pops. I couldn't be more excited.

I'm fully aware that one of the central aspects of my personality is intensity. I have a tendency to have to assign deep meaning, purpose, narrative to everything. Which on one hand makes for some really interesting and deep experiences in life and on the other hand can get you lost in this cycle where you forget how to lighten up. I feel like there's something so necessary about that: to live life at times just for the sake of living it, to enjoy moments just because they've been given to you, to appreciate rest just because it's restful. It's like that line in "Waiting for the 7.18" by Bloc Party... "give me moments/not hours or days." Sometimes I forget to just chill out and appreciate the blessing of the completely meaningless but fulfilling little stuff that I'm blessed with on a daily basis. I want to write because it's fun, take pictures of things that catch my eye just because they look cool, have conversations about stupid stuff with my dad (like why Lucas ruined the Star Wars trilogy or why Monty Python is amazing), make random guesses about what the next 10 years is going to look like. I just want to rest and live and enjoy myself for a bit. It feels like such a gift to have that experience coming down the pike.

So, at the end of the day, I'm excited to have an opportunity to not think about where I'm at, to not try to find some greater message or metaphor, to not be so concerned with finding deeper purpose. I'm excited just to hang out and see what God does with that. It could be pretty epic.

Layovers

2011-03-07T19:17:00.000-08:00

I've got this t-shirt that says "the only constant is change, there's only growth or decay." I bought it because I resonated with that phrase. I kind of hate it now. Not in a "that phrase is so far off" sort of way but more in a "man I wish that phrase was more off" sort of way. The thing is that decay is comfortable. It's easy. You can even decay in such a gradual manner that it looks an awful lot like keepin' on keepin' on. But I've had this steady itch in the back of my mind that's pushed me towards growth this year and it's been amazing and really taxing all at the same time.

I think the reason that it's been taxing is I want to be able to say that I did it, that I made it. I've been struggling lately with this desire to feel like I've arrived, that I've come to a place where I can essentially say that I've become the man that I'm supposed to be, that I'm "all growns up" (for lack of a better term). God's having none of that. This year has been one long stretch fest. I feel like Bilbo in the Hobbit when he says that he feels like butter spread over too much bread. It's been a year of being constantly reminded that there's stuff to grow in, be stretched in, be transparent in. And that stuff isn't going to just get fixed. In fact, they're part of the larger processes that will most likely define my life for the rest of the time that I've given.

In the past I've had this tendency to come to moments of calm, moments where I'm not being pushed, tested, challenged, etc. and thought "yeah, I did it... I made it" (respect to Kevin Rudolf). But I'm realizing, more and more, that these are just the layovers. The exchanges from growth to growth, the moments where God, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, allows us a break, a rest, before he says "come on now, you can do it, it's time to press in again." There's something exciting in that, a stirring momentum that reminds you that this is all a steady push towards heaven, towards experiencing the glory we were always intended for. I think I'm way farther from having arrived than I've ever thought, but I think that's ok.

Simplicity or Complexity or Both

2011-02-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

So, I was reading Romans this morning and I was really good, but I always forget how all over the place Paul was. I mean, really seriously all over the place. It's just such a crazy complex book. And I think the shame is that we (we? the church? western communities?) have a tendency to really shy away from that type of complexity. Faith is about: love, justice, compassion, community, service... take your pick really. We try to boil everything down into this very digestible form. This idea that people will run screaming from anything too challenging or to complicated. That being said I feel like we really have a tendency to lose out when we do that. Christianity is hard, it's challenging, it's complex, there's all this room for interpretation and application. But instead of trying to press into that, we separate ourselves denominationally and ethnically and generationally and, well, yeah we separate ourselves. And in the process we're losing something. We have this close minded view of the rightness of our particular take. Limited as it might be. There has to be a way out of that. If not we're doomed to become increasingly more simple to the point where faith is a shadow of what it could be.

I'm thinking of the relationship I have with my dad. It's gone through some interesting shifts over the past ten years as he's really opened up about where he's at in life: fears, anxieties, vision, passion. Suddenly my dad isn't just the authority figure or the mentor, but this complex, layered person. And I really feel like our relationship has really benefitted from that. There's something that's so much more real about that. I don't know of a person who's all that easy to peg, so why would we view something as deep and challenging as faith as something that's supposed to be simple.

Forward Motion

2011-01-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

I'm in the midst of realizing that I've spent far too much time in my life looking over my shoulder, looking to the sides. In my life and in my faith I've been far more concerned with the things that I've been trying not to do than the place that I'm trying to go, the person I'm trying to be, the life that I'm trying to live... most importantly the God I'm trying to follow.

I have no idea why I've been doing this for so long.

I can't think of a single endeavor that succeeds (to it's utmost potential) from mistake avoidance. Whether it's sports, relationships, education, whatever... if you're constantly trying not to mess up you'll never achieve the full potential you've been given. And I've been doing this in almost everything that I'm focused on right now. I've focused on avoiding failure above achieving some greater level of success. I know that this is all kind of "Life 101" but I'm just realizing the extent to which I do it. I want my faith to be about moving towards something, about moving towards God, a deeper relationship, as opposed to focusing on trying not to fail. I know I have a long, long way to go, but I'd rather be constantly moving forward, no matter how slow, rather than constantly trying not to let everyone down, trying not to do things that I think reflect badly on what I believe.

Top 10 in 2010

2010-12-30T19:17:00.000-08:00

I love movies... probably more than music, which is saying something because I probably spend way too much time focusing on the latter. I especially love when film really connects, does more than entertain and I think that this was a pretty exceptional year for that. So, without further ado, here are my top 10 in 2010:

1) True Grit- I really can't say how much I loved this movie. The dialogue is incredible, Hailee Steinfeld gives the performance of a lifetime and the Coen brothers pull off the incredible feat of creating a period piece that is a subtly relevant look at justice, persistence, redemption, retribution without trying to make it unnecessarily "current." Easily my favorite film of the year.

2) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - Beyond that solid special effects, the great soundtrack, and the fact that the movie is ridiculously fun, this film hit me because it's an insightful look on dating/growing up/love in the postmodern world. Better with repeated watchings.

3) Inception - Christoper Nolan can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. Inception is one of those amazing movies about how far we go to be with the ones we love and what it means to let go, oh and it also happens to be one heck of a visual wonder.

4) The King's Speech - Colin Firth, my goodness sir I had no idea how good of an actor you were. I won't say much about this one, just go see it, find a way.

5) Toy Story 3 - Another amazing movie about letting go, moving on, growing up. Pixar continues to set the standard for ensuring that animated movies have stories that match their visuals.

6) 127 Hours - Like an meticulously conceived alternate ending to "Into the Wild" I loved the ways the Danny Boyle filled the spaces of this amazing ordeal with reflections on love, family, humility, and the blessings and the curses of self-reliance.

7) The Fighter - Those with families who put the fun in dysfunctional will find this movie strangely relatable. One of the best sports movies in years and Christian Bale gives the performance of the year.

8) The Social Network - The best look at where we are and how we got here that we've seen in the last couple years. Takes an incisive look at what draws us to online communities without sounding preachy.

9) Shutter Island - So good. Best popcorn flick this year by a mile. But that's what happens when Scorcese makes a popcorn noir/thriller.

10) How To Train Your Dragon - Despite the most unfortunate name ever, this was an amazing animated film. Great look at the father/son relationship and the moment when you fully learn to be yourself.

Honorable Mention - Centurion (Loved this one, barely missed the top 10), Tangled, The Town,

Movies I haven't seen yet that I think would have had a chance to crack my top 10

Never Let Me Go - Easily one of my favorite books and what I've heard is an incredibly faithful adaptation. Can't wait for this one to be available on DVD in Feb.

Let Me In - American remake of a cult classic, directed by Matt Reeves. Yes please, still bummed I missed it.

Black Swan - All the new buzz I keep hearing keeps me interested.

Exit through the Gift Shop - C'mon folks, it's Banksy

Somewhere - Sofia Coppola, Steven Dorff... film about aging in L.A., count me in.

Freedom (In worship that is)

2010-09-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Freedom is a weird thing when it comes to worship. It's something I've experienced when in the assembly (audience? church body? i dunno) but hadn't really ever experienced when leading. You're so worried about the technique and what the band is doing and hitting the right chords and being sensitive to what God is doing. At least this is the sort of methodical practice that I've fairly consistently gone into in the past. I'd lead with a real focus on trying to do it well. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that per say. I truly believe that leading in an intentional way is extremely important. But a funny thing happened last week. I felt like the Holy Spirit just unleashed. I mean truly started to do some business in the High School I lead worship at. It was amazing, there's a part of me that still get's physically excited when I think about it.

I want that again... I want it again soon

But the funny thing is I'm super tempted to do the exact kind of stuff over again to try and duplicate the experience. Which, I think, is dangerous because it places a greater value on the process than the fact that God needs to move within the process to unleash that sort of freedom.

I want to trust Him, but I fall all over myself trying to get there

This has largely been a season of learning to be obedient with truly ridiculous things. I wouldn't be surprised at all if tomorrow God asked me to move, or change jobs, or shave my head. I'm not saying any of those things are going to happen, it's just been that type of season. And through that I've been learning that when God shows up it's best to just get out of the way. To step into the holy flood of what he's pouring out instead of trying to channel it or move it or shape it. I really want to experience more of that flood. Because I suck on doing stuff on my own.

I have an inflated view of my own ability to impact others

That being said, I'm so grateful for the fact that God still uses this cocky broken spaz of an individual and I pray that this is a season of his Spirit being poured out in a mighty way on the school. Because, it'd be pretty cool if a bunch of students started experiencing His presence in gnarly ways and then everyone would just have to deal with that. I'd be a fan.

Wordy 30

2010-09-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

I was at Small Bar in Normal Heights (I think it's in Normal Heights, the longer I spend away from greater SD the hazier it all is to me) celebrating Antony's successful completion of his doctorate and talking to Casey. (That is a long, long sentence. I don't advocated sentences of that length in principle, but I'm going to let it slide). We spent a decent chunk of time talking about what we were reading and for a brief moment it skewed to the topic of identity.

I've spent the better part of the last decade being advised to "be myself" and having absolutely no idea what that means. I've been prolific at acting like other people, genres, cultures but when it came down to who I was, I was in the dark. Cue my 30th birthday and I'm realizing more and more that to a certain extent I've arrived. Arrived at a fairly concrete feeling of who I am. What's funny is I don't know if I could describe that person if you asked me. For the first time, though, I am acutely aware of when I'm acting like myself or the opposite for that matter. There's a place of confidence and comfort that I'm much more aware of than I was before. I still break away from that place and I can still fairly easily into the trap of being who I think people want me to be. But now when that happens it's much more uncomfortable that it used to be. In the past these moments felt like escapes. Now it just feels inauthentic.

I saw Scott Pilgrim last night for the second time and realized that one of the reasons I like this movie so much is that, at the end, it's about coming to a point when you are fighting for yourself. Not to be liked by others, not to be successful in relationships, not to accomplish anything in particular, but to fight to be true to what you value, what is important to me. I'm still amazed that they pulled that off in a movie where at one point a digitized yeti fights twin dragons in a battle of the bands. (I'm amazed because the whole scene is stinking amazing, but that's neither here nor there).

The great thing about all this is that you end up in a very real set of genuine relationships that are meaningful because you realize that you're engaging with the people who truly know you and who like you for who you are. That's incredible because I'm starting to lose that fear of people figuring out who I am and bailing. If I'm just myself from the beginning and they stick around those people are either truly my friends or just very unaware. That second option seems much more unlikely the older I get.

All this has happened when God has kind of thrown me into a season of learning to receive and accept his complete and unconditional love. To realize that He was the first to love me where I was at and the one who loves me better in that place than anyone else. So I'm trying to continue down this road of authenticity, doing what God leads me to do, being ok with not doing what he doesn't lead me to do, and being completely ok with people not liking what I do/who I am as long as those choices and that personality is true to me.

The scary thing is I'm starting to feel like an adult, which is something I've avoided for quite sometime and seems to be much more "real" than I expected. But hey, anything good in life is probably going to be scary, so I'm pretty amped to see what this decade holds.

30 for 30

2010-09-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

Author's note: I started this months ago and then gave up on it. Was reminded of it last night hanging out at Antony's birthday party. 30 songs that represent the last 30 years.

****************************************************************************************

So a couple of significan things happened over the last couple of weeks. I turned 30. I had a couple of fairly profound experiences with God. And my car was broken into and my laptop was stolen. All of these things have worked together to put me into something of a reflective mood. Not in my typical emo sort of way, but more of a reflective interest in where I'm at and where I've been. When I first found out my laptop was gone I instantly thought about the music that I had lost (not all of my music was on my iPhone) and I wondered which music I would replace once I had the chance. So I thought it might be interesting to choose the 30 songs that I would pick if I could only replace 30 songs. 30 songs that were important to me. 30 songs that I wanted to hang onto.

These aren't in any particular order. I picked them and then randomized them:

"Best Imitation of Myself" by Ben Folds - Very early in discovering music (I had a very sheltered musical experience in high school) I stumbled across Ben Folds. When I graduated from college I moved into my first apartment and ended up about a block away from my first indie record store. I found the Ben Folds Live CD and was almost instantly hooked. This is easily my favorite track of that album.

"Inaction" by We Are Scientists - W.A.S. is still my favorite small club experience. I love how this song balances regret with a song that's clearly having a good time... i don't get it when people don't relate to that feeling.

"On Your Side" by Pete Yorn - I still remember when this album came out feeling like "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!' but at that point Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands, so it may have just been because my horizons were expanding. Pete Yorn never did anything as good as this album again.

"You're Everything" by David Crowder Band - I honestly didn't like worship music before I heard this song... thought it was all sort of forced. I really appreciate how raw DCB albums were during that era and this song's no exception.

"Goodbye Sky Harbor" by Jimmy Eat World - Jimmy Eat World writes some amazing songs. What's incredibly frustrating is that most of the time they choose not to. G.S.H. has a soaring chorus, killer harmonies, is freakishly emotive and then strips it all down to nothing before building back up in a crazy crescendo. The only song i'll spend 16 uninterrupted minutes on. This is the first album to get me obsessed... to many replays to count

"Lost Cause" by Beck - Sea Change is my favorite Beck album, hands down. It's stripped down, it's melodic, it's emo in the best possible way. I really wish he did more stuff like this. "Lost Cause" also represents that part of me that has always enjoyed the hopelessly hopeful or hopefully hopeless... not sure.

"Float On" by Modest Mouse - In the midst of a 6 month stint in the Arabian Gulf, I discovered Modest Mouse in a record store in Bahrain. This song provided escape and was essentially my first true introduction to indie.

"Hip Hop Saved My Life" by Lupe Fiasco - Maybe my favorite type of hip hop, the kind that crafts an interesting story. There's nothing new here, rapper seeks to make it big, does so, gets self and family into new digs. But there's something about the way that Lupe tells the whole story that makes it interesting. There's a youthful optimism here, he's enjoying himself, and that's an infectious feeling.

"This Modern Love" by Bloc Party - I am an unabashed Bloc Party fan... I will say this. The combination of self deprecation and soaring confindence always gets me. I love how this is, i guess, a sort of love song, but it's also a brutally honest confession of not being able to help yourself in a relationship that probably shouldn't be happening in the first place.

"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West - Up until this point I'd only really heard whatever rap was on the radio and dc Talk (yes, I just admitted that). And then I heard Jesus Walks for the first time and it was over. I love the marching cadence that backs the track, I love how relevant the message is, and I love that, thanks to this song, I got into Jay Z, Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def, Q-Tip, Digable Planets, Lupe, Outkast, The Roots, etc...

"Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley - Jeff Buckley is a monster... just destroys everything he sings and plays. I was hanging out at a party in Azusa talking music with a friend of my sister's and he was like, "Dude, you should check out Jeff Buckley" and I've never gotten hooked on a singer/track so fast... I think I put this on every mix CD I made for a good two years. Also indirectly my introduction to folk... strange I know.

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice - This represents the phase when I was buying pretty much everything I could find online. I'm kind of convinced that English/Scottish/Irish people are much better at conveying angst than Americans are. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but I think in large part it's true. Cannonball is one of those tracks that makes you feel good about feeling bad... or bad about feeling good. Not sure which. But it's still one of my favorite acoustic songs ever.

"Guernica" by Brand New - This is the song that hooked me on Brand New... a band that doesn't make nearly enough music and makes some really horrible decisions at times (Daisy? anyone?!)... I feel like most of the screamo I hear is getting worked up over nothing, i.e. yeah yeah yeah your girlfriend broke your heart, it's not worth getting "that" worked up over. But screamo about dealing with losing a loved one to cancer, now you've got my attention. Reminds me of the days living in the Mentone house with the guys from PLV.

"Red & Blue Jeans" by the Promise Ring - One of those songs from the year I discovered music (1999) that made me realize that I was way behind the power curve. Maybe one of the most underrated bands ever. It's one of those songs that showed me that you could have an amazing song with only two lines of lyrics... they just have to be very effective lyrics.

"Lightness" by Death Cab for Cutie - Dave Teves introduced me to Death Cab because Dave Teves has amazing taste in music. Another one of those albums that I downloaded prior to leaving for the Arabian gulf. I used to listen to this one on repeat, laying in my bed... total escape from the confinement of the ship.

"All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers - I have this thing for resilience and for defiance and the underdog and rising up. This song kind of represents all of those things.

"Blindsided" by Bon Iver - This is actually the song that got me to really start writing music again. I just appreciated so much his ability to create sparse and potent atmosphere.

"Chocolate" by Snow Patrol - Represents the point when I realized that the navy wasn't going to be a long term thing for me but had no idea where to go from there.

"Check the Rhime" by Tribe Called Quest - The song that started my exploration of all the rap that I'd missed. Tribe can't be beat.

"A Day in the Life" by the Beatles - One of the songs that my dad played for me early and often. I couldn't get over how complex it was. Also made me love vinyl.

"Don't Worry Baby" by the Beach Boys - Tried to figure out the harmonies for hours on hours when I was 10. Recorded myself, couldn't ever get it. Still can't harmonize. Oh well.

"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead - My buddy Dan made a mixtape for me as a graduation present. Had no idea who radiohead were but used to play this song every day after work. Wasn't long before I was stuck on Radiohead.

"First Breath after Coma" by Explosions in the Sky - Introduced to the band while looking through a record store by a clerk who was realllly out of it. Explosions are so cinematic. Reminds me of making Coast Videos with Casey

"The Good Fight" by Dashboard Confessional - I went through a 3 year Dashboard phase. That is all.

"John Wayne Gacy Jr." by Sufjan Stevens - I'm still amazed that Sufjan can take the most horrific subject matter and make it staggeringly poetic and beautiful. This is the kind of writer I'd like to be someday.

"Lost in the Supermarket" by the Clash - The first album I bought because I was "supposed to." That didn't stop me from loving it.

"The Modern Leper" by Frightened Rabbit - Where I'm at with music now

"Shiver" by Coldplay - My last year at the Naval Academy when all my friends were getting hitched and I was driving to a lot of weddings... this was the soundtrack.

"They Care" by Justin McRoberts - Justin's pretty much the only Christian artist (outside of Sufjan) that I still enjoy. This is the stuff I learned to play guitar to.

"Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding - My latest interest/phase/fix ... I love soul.

Wrap up

2010-08-02T01:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the business center of my hotel killing time before my ridiculously early flight tomorrow (540 am... yeesh). This has truly been an incredible trip. I had this sense ever since I first purchased a ticket that this was going to be one of those trips, those trips that God does big things on. But I had this idea that it was going to be stuff that I needed to do or not do. Things that I needed to cut out or things that I needed to pursue. I felt like this was one big launching trip. Some sort of spiritual vocational training session. Man oh man was that off.

I'm still mulling over how much time God spent working on me just getting rid of all the obligation crap I've been struggling with for so long (Cindy, sorry I just said crap, feel free to edit if you read this out loud to Isaac or Nathan, but I doubt that will happen). I've spent the better part of my life in this sort of plus or minus system that I created. And then I worshiped... or maybe feared is the better word, the God of my gut. I let guilt define my actions and I felt guilty about most things. I still wonder if all this is going to stick; this crazy and bizarre notion that I'm literally under no condemnation and that God's love literally has nothing to do with what I've done.

That's so cool and still so hard to wrap my brain around, I can't really believe it.

Anyway, that's what I've got. It's been an amazing trip. Thanks to Sean, Brang, Adam, Cindy, Jeff, and Aw for being amazing hosts. I'm not sure if you'll ever appreciate how important this trip really was to me.

On proportion

2010-07-31T01:33:00.000-07:00

Grappling a lot today with the comment in Colossians 4 that our conversation should be "full of grace seasoned with salt." I think I've spent the better part of my Christian life trying to be full of salt seasoned with grace. I spend way too much time thinking of how people should be, trying to be better myself, and constantly trying to push people towards better and then throwing in a pinch of "don't worry God did everything, there's grace there."

I miss the point way too often.

It's so hard but I want to live a life where grace always comes first and foremost. Where unconditional love is freely given and freely received and through that love we are challenged, grown, made better. Through that experience we learn through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit to be older, wiser, better. I don't know why I expect everyone around me to be perfect when, for the most part, I'm selfish and slow on the uptake when it comes to spiritual ideas.

Just a thought.

Geek/Nerdish Observations

2010-07-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've been reading a lot while I've been in Thailand. I forgot how much I love it. Lot's of different stuff... some fiction, some nonfiction. But over the last couple days I've been rereading The Lord of the Rings. It's still a favorite and it was kind of the perfect cap to this trip.

This trip has been spiritually and emotionally heavy in the best possible way. I'm so thankful for the Heines and the way they created a space to just live life. To let God do his thing. I'm also incredibly thankful for the fact that their house has quite a few features that lend themselves to a spiritual retreat

1) No Cable -- I don't even want to think about how much time I waste on TV
2) Lots of good places to read -- Nooks, corners, comfortable couches... fan
3) Life is happening -- No matter how hard I try to be self-absorbed, you get swept into community here. I really like that.

So, all that to say, I've kind of been in an ideal spot for reading, reflection, and letting God do His thing. And He's been working me pretty hard (see previous posts). I was telling Adam tonight that it's been an experience that doesn't feel as "emotional" as other life changing experiences, but it feels more substantial for some reason. Like I feel this week down to my marrow.

What does any of this have to do with The Lord of the Rings?

Well, there's this small part at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring where Gandalf is talking to Frodo (Nerd Alert! Just in case the title wasn't enough warning) and Gandalf notices that the experience that Frodo has just gone through seemed to have produced a change in Frodo. Like Frodo had become slightly more transparent. That's, I think, the closest to how I feel now. This wasn't a week for big declarations or huge emotional breakdowns. But I feel... changed. I feel like this week was a long time coming. I'd essentially fallen into the rut of my own idiosyncrasies over the last couple of months and years and I was badly overdue for a shake up (Note: if you're cruising along doing what you've been doing for a while, you're most likely missing something/in need of a wake up call/in need of refocus/all of the above). So, all that to say, I'm grateful for the change and I'm eager for the adventure ahead, whatever that is. I don't know what God is prepping me for if anything, but I'm so thankful for this time.

Getting Over Stuff

2010-07-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

So, I was reading Romans this morning, which is a bit like having Pot Roast for breakfast (delicious sure, but sits on your ribs like a lead weight, hard to shake). And I read that oft quoted verse "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1) and I realized that I used to really dislike this verse. It seemed to easy. Surely we had to be held accountable for stuff. Isn't that the whole point of crowns in heaven? I'm a way better Christian than that guy over there... surely that's going to come up in heaven? And if I mess up, then God's going to hold me accountable.

This attitude, for the better part of the last ten years has resulted in a mindset that God has a ladder that I am constantly climbing and when I mess up, He moves me down the ladder, and if I mess up too bad, He'll knock me off of the ladder all together.

This is so bent!

I'm realizing more and more on this trip that my behavior has zip, zilch, zero, nada to do with my position in God's eyes, the value that he has for me. I'm messed up, I'm going to mess up more, but God loves me all the same. And the fruit that I have in my life has little to do with me, if anything. That fruit, all the good stuff that I do, is a manifestation of the Spirit in my and a natural result of learning to love God. If I do good stuff, it's because he made it possible, part of this journey of getting closer to Him in relationship. It has nothing to do with whether I'm better or worse at being a Christian than anyone else. It also makes me realize that the path to victory over sin is not in discipline (sure that helps, but if there is no love, no heart for Christ behind it, then who cares?) but in learning to receive his love and loving him more. The closer I get to God, the more victory I see in my life as a natural overflow of his Spirit. The farther I get away, the easier it is to stumble.

I think this is why so many times that I have "sworn off" a particular sin, I've been so unsuccessful. Those moments aren't about getting closer to God, they're about me making declarations on what I can do. I can't overcome sin. There's no way. I'm gonna choose sin every single time if it's just on me. But if I draw closer to God, develop in my relationship with Him, learn to love Him, that stuff gets easier and easier.

One last example: I used to memorize scripture because I saw it as some sort of weapon that I could use, like I was developing a Spiritual utility belt. "What's up temptation?! You want some?!!?!" I'd shout and then I'd blast temptation with an appropriate verse, probably from something Paul wrote. I used Jesus overcoming temptation in the desert as a touchstone. "See! It worked for Him!" But what I missed was the fact that when Jesus quoted those verses he wasn't using them like some sort of talisman or secret weapon, he was reminding Satan of the blessings that he had in God. The power that his Father had given Him. The love that the Father had shown. He spoke of those scriptures of statements of the true nature of who he was and what the Father had for him. That's why quoting verses didn't work for the devil, who tried to use them against Jesus.

I want to start memorizing scripture again. But not because it makes me a better Christian, or that I'll be a more powerful spiritual warrior. I want to start memorizing scripture because it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the stuff that I so quickly forget. That God loves me more than I realize. That Christ paid the price in full for my sins before I could commit them. That I'm blessed and did nothing to deserve it.

So, yeah... that was sort of fractured, but it's what I was thinking this morning.

A brief thought on inception

2010-07-27T08:52:00.001-07:00

I really have no desire to unpack the movie Inception on this blog. That would be a never ending struggling I think (note: loved that move, loved it). But there's a single line that really hit me the first time I saw it, and the second. One of the characters is referring to a memory of another character and states that the memory can never replace the actual person with all that individuals "perfection and imperfection." (I'm trying to keep this as vague as possible so as to avoid ruining said movie for anyone who reads this. Moral of the story: I tried really hard to protect you all because I want you to experience this movie that bad. Go see it!)

Anyway, I love that idea. I really like the idea of appreciating and valuing both the perfection and imperfection in a person. To have people know your weaknesses and strengths and loving you in the middle of them all. My family is like this with me and the friends that have stuck around over the years (I'm beginning to realize there are more of those than I thought). I try to hide my imperfection all the time. Depending on who I'm with, I try to tailor the imperfection I reveal to suit the audience. If you're slightly nerdy, I'll reveal that I've got a thing for math or science or good historical fiction. If you're kind of a geek, I'll let slip that I'm into Star Trek, or Tolkien, or Batman: The Animated Series. I do all this selectively because I'm afraid of letting go of all the parts of me for fear that one of those parts will somehow put off the person who discovers it and then that person will abandon me. I think I'm done with this. So in an exercise of good faith, here are some things (some of which are slightly embarrassing) that I like about me that I wouldn't normally share with people, mostly out of fear of sounding like a total loser.

1) I can pretty much sing the songs from every Disney musical from memory (most people know this already)
2) I still really enjoy watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and in high school I played the RPG card game.
3) I was on the math team in high school and I lettered in it (academic team too)
4) I like plenty of "embarrassing" music: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Timberlake, the occasional Justin Bieber song (whoever's writing his stuff is doing a good job), Katy Perry (she pushes the envelope I know, but she's got some insane hooks)
5) I've read all the Harry Potter books
6) I really like a good sweater vest
7) I sing in the car when I drive

There's more stuff too. Even as I wrote that list I was sitting there mulling it over, thinking "yeah, share that it actually makes you seem kind of likable, no... not that, now you sound like a goob" or "I should pepper in something that makes me sound more indie or hipster or arty." It's still a struggle, but I want to keep striving, working to just be me in all circumstances and if people dig that, sweet. If they don't, whatever. Pretty random I know, but I'm tired of trying to figure out who the best "me" is to present in a given situation.

Obedience

2010-07-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking a lot about how Jesus says that if you obey him, you'll remain in his love. I always used to think that that seemed like a pretty discomforting idea. Because it seemed like I was pretty much doomed to fall out of his love because, to be honest, I'm pretty bad at obeying his commands. I think if we're honest most of us are. But more and more on this trip I'm realizing that the point of that wasn't to warn us but to encourage us. I mean, he follows this statement immediately in John to say, I told you this so that your joy will be complete.

I'm realizing this (slowly and with a lot of resistance, I'm way more Catholic than I thought) that God's love comes with out a prerequisite amount of obedience on our part, because Jesus handled that bill in the first place. So the whole point of saying that we'll remain in his love if we obey him is this (I think... this one's from me to be honest) ... if we love him, we're just naturally going to obey him, which pretty much means we don't have anything to worry about.

I'll use my parents as an example. For the most part I just obeyed them, I didn't like it all the time, but I did, because well, at the core I always knew they loved me, so it was kind of easy. I even obeyed them to the point of doing some pretty ridiculous things, like going to the Dwight D. Eisenhower birthplace on one vacation (okay... to be honest, I kind of liked that, I even bought a commemorative copy of the D-Day address, I'm a nerd). I went because I kind of new, even as a selfish teenager, that my dad really dug that kind of stuff, so why not let him enjoy that. Author's note: I was not always that compliant, don't want to create an inaccurate depiction of myself, it's just one of those moments.

Anyway, it was kind of easy to obey them because I knew they loved me and I loved them in return. Our relationship with God is like that. Obedience doesn't validate love or earn love... it's the natural product of love. I know God loves me and the more aware I become of that, the more surrounded I am by it, the more I pursue it, the more I obey Him just because I want to spend more time with Him. It's that whole "it's your kindness that leads to repentance" idea.

Soooo, all this to say, maybe we worry too much as Christians about being the conscience of each other and the world when in reality we could just be showing each other Christ's love, teaching each other to genuinely know and receive that love, and letting the Holy Spirit handle that whole conviction thing. He's pretty good at it.

Reentering Civilization

2010-07-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

It's funny, but I didn't realize until I was reading "Blue like Jazz" that I realized how socially dysfunctional I had become with community. It's amazing how living in a house with 5 kids and two of my closest friends has been like a splash of water to the face of socially awkward behavior. I'm learning to have long conversations again, the sort that don't have any real sort of deadline to speak of. I'm learning to initiate conversation again, to read people, to help out others, to be aware of others in general. It's been really nice.

I need community and for all the busyness of my life, I don't nearly seek it out enough. I need that sort of stretching and growing and challenging. It's very very cool to feel it happening. Plus, when God stuff is happening (which is happening right now) it's nice to have people to share new discoveries with, bounce ideas off of, pray with etc.

So, yeah, Thailand is kind of awesome

Rest

2010-07-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Rest is such a funny thing. For me at least. I really grate against it in the states. I don't like it when it arrives, try as much as possible to fill that time with activity, with useful pursuits. But, six days in to Thailand, I am reminded how desperately I need a chance to rest, to recharge, to reenter into God's presence. This first week has been incredible and it's mostly been so because I've taken time to have talks with friends, read books, get good sleep, read my bible, listen to music. I do these things at home, certainly, but never with the amount of time that it takes to really get past the outer layers to the juicy center of these experiences.

It's also funny how once you reset and do those sorts of rest centered activities you move from doing them because they are "good for you" and into doing them because they are things that you enjoy. I really enjoy reading and had completely forgotten. I enjoy what it feels like to be well rested on an early morning and had completely forgotten. I enjoy community that challenges and grows and stretches. Well, that I remembered and that's part of the reason I came out here in the first place.

On Coincidence

2010-07-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who said once that people will pretty much see God in everything. He meant this as a sort of validation that God isn't really anywhere because people will actively choose to see him where and when they wish. I have another friend who says that it's just as easy to see "not God" in everything. Meaning that people who need to can go out of their way to ensure that God isn't present in their lives.

I see God a lot.

I also go through a lot of phases where I either choose not to see God or am apathetic to his presence.

That being said, I'm pretty stinking thankful when I see Him. Today I went to church with Adam and Cindy, Sean and Prang, Isaac and Nathan, Abbi and Eli, Anica and Lu and Pan (I grouped them all because dang we had a lot of people in that car). We went to a Australian church service in Chiang Mai that was populated by some Thai, some Burmese, a bunch of farangs (white people)... and then the pastor proceeded to preach on exactly what I've been grappling with here on the blog and in my life. I don't mean he touched on the same theme. He went straight for the jugular on the stuff that I've been dealing with. It was funny and creepy and hugely affirming. Adam told me it sounded like the pastor had read my blog and then decided to preach on it.

I saw God in that service. You could tell me about the coincidental nature of it, that it was just reinforcing my inherent bias to see what I want to see, that I would have heard the same thing from someone at some point somewhere. But I really don't care. At that moment I experienced the relentless love of a God who was trying very, very hard to get my attention. To show me His love, to show me that yes he is disappointed in me sometimes, but that's really not the point.

I am so thankful for this kind of relentless pursuit because I am a very, very stubborn person. You tell me something once and I am most likely to say that it's nice but shrug it off and forget it. You tell me twice and I might even begin to think it's kind of important. You tell me something three times and I might start to acknowledge that something might have to be done with that idea.

God has literally spoken to me this week (through friends, family, the word, books, sermons) on my need to let go of my misplaced desire to earn favor and fall into grace on nearly a dozen occasions. And, now, after a dozen occasions, I'm kinda sorta starting to get it. He'll probably say it a couple more times this week and it's really nice to know that He's there, to see Him working to get my attention, and to know that He cares enough to keep telling me.

Recognition

2010-07-24T03:02:00.000-07:00

I think that I have a misplaced sense of recognition. For most of my life, I've been desperate for the sort of recognition that sets me apart as great, significant. I say that this is misplaced because, at the end of the day it is completely irrelevant.

I was thinking about the parable where the vineyard workers come for pay at the end of the day and the ones who started in the morning get paid the same as the ones who started in the last hour of the day (Matt. 20). If I'm honest, I really don't like this parable, because the self-centered part of me likes to envision a heaven where I arrive and God says "Chris you were a way better Christian than those guys over there." But I'm realizing that that's nothing like what God's actually like.

God recognizes his son Jesus as someone in which he's well pleased before Jesus does a single miracle. Vineyard workers get paid the same no matter how long they worked. The messed up and broken get redeemed. Nineveh gets a second chance.

I'm babbling I know, but I'm realizing that I don't earn favor anymore than I lose it. I am loved and recognized by God because of who He is not because of what I've done. That is a scary, but ultimately incredibly freeing thought. I get loved no matter what, which means it's really not about what I do, it's about the fact that I'm loved. And the cool part of that love relationship is that I get to be a part of God doing pretty awesome stuff. But even when that happens, I don't get to go "wow check me out God did stuff through me" I just get to marvel at how amazing God actually is. That's pretty amazingly freeing because it sets us free to worship without obligation. To worship a God who loves us in spite of ourselves. To be a part of a life that's not about us. That's so incredibly cool.

Thoughts from a morning read

2010-07-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm hugely selfish.

I think I always have been. I go through phases where I like to pretend like I'm not because I'm developing some sort of misplaced "I'm awesome" perspective that is usually founded in the idea that I'm doing more than other people. This is messed up, because in reality the reason I'm awesome is solely because of the worth that has been given me by Christ and I really have nothing to do with that.

One of the ways this selfishness manifests itself is in the way that I distance myself from people who I perceive to be "uncool." I usually do this because I worry that if people see me hanging out with said "uncool" folk, the cool people will realize how truly uncool I also am and will subsequently have nothing to do with me.

I'm uncool.

Saying that outloud is probably a good thing because I want to embrace it, to cherish it, to realize that this messed up, selfish, broken, at times socially awkward person still gets to hang out with Jesus (which is pretty stinking rad) so why wouldn't I want to share that experience with everyone, especially the people I perceive to be uncool. If the best part of my relationship with Christ is the love he gave me that I did nothing to deserve, shouldn't I desire to share that with everyone, regardless of their status. Or, perhaps, in response to their status? I mean, wasn't Jesus' big thing to hang out with the outcasts of society anyway?

I suck at this (please excuse the crude expression). I try desperately to hang out with people who I think will improve my social status. Jesus always hung out with people who ruined his. I worry that people will see me for who I really am. Jesus points out that he wants to love us for who we really are and he's not ashamed for the world to know it. I think it's all about me. Jesus always pointed out that it wasn't even about Him, it was about reconciling people to the Father.

God, give me the strength to be real, to be honest, to hang out with and love everyone you put in my path because I'm really bad at it.

Growing Pains

2010-07-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Functionally I'm insecure. Most people who know me well know this. It's not a particularly large declaration. Nothing shocking in it. But it's something that I have to remind myself of and be reminded of from time to time because it has a tendency to shape my actions and my responses to things. Which is never a good thing. I don't know that I've ever accomplished much good out of a place of insecurity.

One of the ways this manifests itself is that I have a tendency to try and curry favor with people because I feel like if anyone gets to know me well enough, they'll realize that I'm really not worth the time. Which usually makes me care way too much about what other people think.

The really bent thing about all this is that I also have a tendency to carry this into my relationship with God. I often don't believe He loves me, I think that if he does he'll probably figure out eventually that I'm not really worth loving, and in the end I try really hard to make him like me. Because maybe if I do enough stuff he'll be fooled long enough to not figure out who I really am.

This is so messed up.

I'm realizing (thanks to friends, the book "Blue Like Jazz," and the Old Testament) that I really never did anything to be loved in the first place. God loves me, desperately, always has, doesn't change in that love, loves me even when he gets to know me more, loves me whether I do good stuff or bad stuff, just plain loves me.

I don't like that.

I have a really hard accepting that people might like all the parts of who I am. But the insanely freeing thing about that is that it's not about me in the first place. I'm starting to realize what it means to love God because he loved me first. I'm also starting to realize that entering into that sort of relationship means I don't have to "try so hard." I get to be with him, take part in what he's doing, marvel at how awesome the stuff he does is, be stoked that I get to be around when it happens. It really doesn't matter that I was there, it's his show I'm just stoked to be a part of the production.

The myth of movement

2010-07-05T17:19:00.001-07:00

So, basically I was inspired by a couple of the students on this last Uganda trip to start blogging again. And, it's 4 am in Dubai and I have nothing else to do, so here goes. For those of you who will read this (what's up family?!) I take no responsibility for ridiculousness communicated in the next paragraph or so... I'm tired and slightly loopy.

This trip, overall, was amazing. The Uganda trip was incredible, we built a soccer field for the kids to play on (well, we finished what we could of it... turns out turning a marsh into a field is tougher than advertised), I flew down to South Africa, and basically bummed around for a bit. What was interesting about the trip, though, was the fact that this was so much more of an information overload than I expected.

When I was in South Africa I had the chance to check out the Museum Africa and the Apartheid Museum. More than other trips I was instantlty presented with the fact that I still really don't know anything. The myth of becoming "well traveled" is that once you do, you start to "get it." While I think that experience overseas is pretty much invaluable for having a well rounded perspective on how the world works, I do think there is a subtle danger that can start to creep in the more you do it. You become the traveler, the worldly wise, the rambler (sorry Kenny Rogers, I was rolling). You think that you understand things more than others do. But, the simple fact of the matter is, that even if you have a slightly better grip on things than your less traveled neighbor, you still don't really know enough to say you know anything.

In the apartheid museum, seeing such an intense and disturbing policy presented by those who lived through it made me realize that my understanding of that part of history was much more static than I wanted to admit. One part in particular hit me... as you transition from one hall to another there is a room with a countless number of nooses hanging from the ceiling to represent those who were executed during the apartheid regime. To bring you even further into the experience, the next room reconstructs the solitary confinement chambers that prisoners were forced to stay in. This one-two punch is probably one of the most impacting things I've experienced in the last year and it was a strong reminder that I've got a lot to learn about what has happened in the world and what continues to happen.

Anyway, South Africa was amazing, and it's still swirling around in my head. I honestly don't know what to make of it. Just lots to think about.

The Final Top Ten!

2010-01-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

10) "Help I'm Alive" by Metric... bumped Greg Laswell off the list. This song is too good, I'm ashamed I missed it when it first came out.

9) "It's Thunder and It's Lightning" by We Were Promised Jetpacks... Scottish hipsters create an anthem to the lost and abused... the end gets me every time

8) "Tony the Tiger" by Manchester Orchestra... I didn't know that rock this cool could come out of the ATL, sounds like Conor Oberst if he could rock... which I'm not convinced he can... feel free to disagree

7) "You are the Blood" by Sufjan Stevens... Sufjan covers an obscure indie track for AIDs relief and somewhere in the middle of the insanity reminds us of why he's a genius

6) "Blood Bank" by Bon Iver ... The more I listened to it, the more this replaced Woods on the list for me.

5) "1901" by Phoenix ... heard this song in the trailer for "New York, I Love You" ... downloaded it 5 minutes after I left the theater

4) "Quiet Dog" by Mos Def... everytime I listen to this song the beat gets stuck in my head for a week, no exaggeration

3) "The Ocean" by Tegan and Sara... their new album isn't as good as the Con, but this song is as good as anything on there

2) "Crystalised" by the XX... dang it, everyone in this band is 20?!?! what am I doing with my life?!?!

1) Tie: "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and "Moth's Wings" by Passion Pit... both of these tracks just make me happy... 'nuff said

Honorable Mentions:

"Aint No Rest for the Wicked" Cage the Elephant
"Seasun" Delorean
"Cousins" Vampire Weekend

Year End Top Ten Songs

2009-11-27T00:19:00.000-08:00

So... I know it's not even December yet, but this is my tentative top ten for 2009... I'll probably revise before the end of the year...

Music:

10) "This Woman's Work" by Greg Laswell... amazing cover, gets the atmosphere of the lyrics in a way that I never expected, like an uppercut of emotion to the jaw

9) "It's Thunder and It's Lightning" by We Were Promised Jetpacks... Scottish hipsters create an anthem to the lost and abused... the end gets me every time

8) "Tony the Tiger" by Manchester Orchestra... I didn't know that rock this cool could come out of the ATL, sounds like Conor Oberst if he could rock... which I'm not convinced he can... feel free to disagree

7) "You are the Blood" by Sufjan Stevens... Sufjan covers an obscure indie track for AIDs relief and somewhere in the middle of the insanity reminds us of why he's a genius

6) "Woods" by Bon Iver ... T-Pain, I love your stuff, but I never knew that autotune could sound this good

5) "1901" by Phoenix ... heard this song in the trailer for "New York, I Love You" ... downloaded it 5 minutes after I left the theater

4) "Quiet Dog" by Mos Def... everytime I listen to this song the beat gets stuck in my head for a week, no exaggeration

3) "The Ocean" by Tegan and Sara... their new album isn't as good as the Con, but this song is as good as anything on there

2) "Us" by Regina Spektor... Ok, I know that this song is 5 years old, but it was rereleased this year on the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack and there's something about the line "they'll name a city after us and later say it's all our fault" that gets me every time

1) Tie: "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and "Moth's Wings" by Passion Pit... both of these tracks just make me happy... 'nuff said

3S1P: Get Over It

2009-07-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

1) "Why Do I Keep Counting?" The Killers
2) "A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons" Sufjan Stevens
3) "August in Bethany" Juliana Theory

Understand this is a Dream (The album that August In Bethany came off of) may be the first album that I sang at the top of my lungs to in the car. This was very much at the beginning of my emo phase (some may argue that phase hasn't ended) and it was a time where I was kind of enamored with heartbreak. I would almost aim for it because the pain of being separated from someone was more concrete, more specific and much easier than trying to navigate the doubts and excitement and fears and hope of actually sticking with a relationship. If the relationship ended, I could just hop in my car (which at the time was a black Sentra with Hawaiian seat covers), turn up the knob on my crappy stereo and wail along to the ridiculously over the top "Don't Go!" repeated over and over. It was this anthemic shout of despair. This proclamation that I wished that the relationship had worked. But, if I was honest at the time I would have sung "Get Gone!" because I wanted it to be over so I could wallow in the clarity of a relationship that was over.

It's taken me some time, but I think the me from that era is kind of an idiot. I mean, I understand it, I know where I was coming from, I know all the issues that surround that. But, if I had anything to say to me in that era, it would probably be "Dude, get over it" The uncertainty really is at the core of everything valuable in my life. Every great risk, new venture, job decision, and step of faith of have been anchored in a very real sense of uncertainty. Now, I could, I suppose, go through life subconsciously sabotaging every opportunity I had to be happy that required a level of risk, but that would leave me alone, most likely living in my parents den, and working at Starbucks again. I'm not sure why I'd want to do that. (Now that I say that, I'll end up going back to school some day and will live in my parents den and work at Starbucks, way to jinx yourself Whytey).

I want the adventure now. I want that first step before the bunjee jump, that breathless anticipation that accompanies taking any big step in life. I'd prefer going for it and when I face plant to dust myself and aim for the next challenge rather than wallow in the failure of the last...

Cause that life is gonna be huge

Uganda 09

2009-06-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to drop everyone a quick line to update on what's going on here in Uganda. We arrived three days ago in Entebbe and have spent the first couple of days at the Murchison Falls National Park. We're on safari, checking out the amazing wildlife (giraffes are officially the coolest animals ever) and meeting and training as a team.

In a couple of days we'll start our medical mission to the villages in the vicinity of Mukono. While the doctors provide care and treatment, our team will be providing hand washing training to the villagers. We've been told that this training program can reduce illnesses in a village by over 40%, so please pray that we'll be clear in our message and training. Also pray for opportunities to serve and spread the Gospel.

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to those of you who have been praying, supporting, and following along. You know who you are.

~C

3S1P: Sentimentality

2009-06-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

1) "The Closest Thing" The Juliana Theory
2) "Lonesome Tears" Beck
3) "For Me This is Heaven" Jimmy Eat World

I have a tendency to appreciate sentiment and mistrust it all at the same time. I think there are a number of reasons for this. I moved pretty consistently when I was a kid, so I had a tendency to assume that any relationship I had outside of my family was going to be pretty fleeting. As a result, I began to treat relationships as fairly disposable. I would move and then move on. I still do this. I can't tell you how many people in my life I've really connected with only to completely lose contact with them after I moved. I think this was exacerbated by the fact that the few times I tried to keep track with a group of friends from the last place I lived never really panned out. This was before the age of Facebook and email and without face to face contact it wasn't the same. Those friendships just died. So I began to see them for what they were, temporary. I still struggle with that.

The other aspect of this mistrust for sentiment is the fact that I still struggle with a fear that, after a while, people will figure out who I really am and then not want to spend time with that person. This arises out of the fact that I have been pretty good in the past at fitting in with any group of people, with modifying my behavior and mannerisms to match the behavior of the group (kind of like the way that Carson Daly used to get all "YO YO YO" whenever a rapper came on TRL). So there's this mistrust in sentimental moments because I secretly assume that sooner or later the person I'm sharing that moment with will get to know me, really get to know me, and just be over it. I'm getting better at not giving into that.

That all being said, there's still the side of me that stinking loves the sentimental. I love everything in E.T. after he gets revived. I could watch the scene in Chariot's of Fire where he comes from behind to win the race after falling a million times. Heck, I even dig Moulin Rouge! There are just certain things that get me. They make me stop and instantly transport me to that "Life is pretty rad" sort of moment. Jimmy Eat World used to do that for me on the regular. This was especially true of Clarity, which I think was their best album. It was an album that made no bones about plucking the heartstrings as frequently as possible and "For Me This is Heaven" is no exception. The outro keeps repeating "Can you still feel the butterflies? Can you still hear the last goodnight?" It's stupid. It's kitschy. It's sappy. It's also pretty stinkin' brilliant. It's brilliant because, if you let it, it reminds you how rad it is to be lost in those euphoric feelings that a new relationship brings. That feeling you don't want to lose. There's so much hope. There's so much hope that these early moments are glimpses of thousands to come. That phase changes you. It makes you feel like you'd blow off everybody else for that person. That feeling may not last. At that moment, the tension rears its ugly head. Do I hold to hope and risk the relationship failing in an effort to see it work? Or do I give into the mistrust and jump ship? Do I assume that nothing like that lasts? I have to choose one and I want to choose wisely. But, to be honests I still don't know how to do that. And at the end of the song, I feel like J.E.W. are acknowledging that they don't really know either. The song just kind of drops, fades away. There are no promises of tomorrow or guarantees that things will work out at the end. We are left to wonder if this will make it. The voices dropping out even adds an element of despair. It's this sense that the odds may not be good in this situation, that it won't work out. But despite all that, Jimmy still gets us to hope it will.

3S1P: Building Blocks

2009-06-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

1) "New Day" The Kin
2) "The Moon is Down" Further Seems Forever
3) "To the Sea" Razorlight

Being forgettable is something that few of us really want. We may not want to be remembered by everyone or be remembered for something embarrassing, but we want to be remembered by at least those closest to us. The fear of not having any tangible impact is an understandable one (thanks Jimmy Stewart for giving us the first primer on that one in "It's a Wonderful Life"). But interestingly enough, there is are piles of information, entertainment, and even relationships that we forget. They simply pass from our memory. Think about it, really think about it. How many of your teachers do you remember? Last names of your elementary classmates? All of the songs that you have listened to over the years? You just lose them. Sometimes a place or memory will jog them back into existence but often there are things that we just forget about. Those instances in our lives that pass into the great fog of all the events we have experienced. That's part of the reason I love the shuffle function on the iPod. You're listening to a bunch of stuff that's familiar when wham, out of nowhere, comes a song that you had completely lost.

Razorlight is one of those groups for me. I bought their album in the last year, maybe the second to last year that I was in the Navy. I was in an experimental phase with music where I would pretty much purchase anything that I had even heard was good. Maybe compulsive is a better word. But, nevertheless, I went after everything musically. And, in the beginning, Razorlight stuck. It was catchy, it was fun, it was British. And, for a good couple of months I really enjoyed it. It was very escapist for me. I would walk from my car to the gate to the ship early in the morning, headphones in, and for a good 30 seconds to 2 minutes I would feel like I was in a different place, that I wasn't in the Navy. That was such an important feeling for me. It gave me energy, gave me a creative outlet in a job that I wasn't that excited about. And now, three or four years later, I don't listen to Razorlight at all any more. I had forgotten what "To the Sea" sounded like. And listening to it now, I don't even like it that much. But I still appreciate what it provided for me all those years ago.

And, perhaps, more so than with music, with people we should do that as well. Remember those relationships that have defined us, shaped us. We should go through old pictures and letters to find those faces again, be thankful for them, thank God for them. Because, whether or not we actively remember those moments, those events, those relationships, or those songs, they are still such an important part of who we are.

3S1P: Let Yourself Go

2009-06-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

1) "11 AM" Incubus
2) "Walk With Me" Caedmon's Call
3) "Mercury" Bloc Party

I think most people want to dance. Whether they like to admit it or not, they want to dance. In every country I've visited, dance is an underlying form of expression. Whether it's sorrow, celebration, or just social, they dance. And I think that if you get to the core of most people, they want to let themselves go a little bit and just go for it. They want to make fools of themselves, let the moment take them. Most of the time, however they let that desire get covered over in other people's opinions, a desire to look cool, a fear that they have no rhythm, etc. etc. But let's be honest, we all want to drop it like it's hot. That being said, we usually don't.

I remember going to a club in Canada when I was in the Navy and being out on the dance floor with a bunch of people from my ship. I tried to keep it in the pocket. Dance along the lines of what Will Smith shows Kevin James in Hitch. I wanted to have fun while not embarrassing myself. At the same time, though, a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, just went for it. He didn't have the best rhythm, he didn't have the best moves, but he went for it. Later another buddy remarked "what [insert name here] lacks in rhythm he more than makes up for in enthusiasm"

This, in a nutshell, is why I love Bloc Party. They make rock to dance to. Sometimes they make dance music to dance to. Sometimes it's badly done, sometimes it has ridiculous lyrics, but what they lack in making a song that you really latch onto, they always make up for in enthusiasm. "Mercury" is kind of a rehash of their other song "The Prayer" and it doesn't have the best beat. But! It has a horn section! It has ridiculously over the top synth effects. It's not afraid to be as over the top as it wants to be. It may not be the catchiest song, but it more than makes up for it in enthusiasm. I'd be lying if I said that didn't win me over every time.

3S1P: Take It Or Leave It

2009-06-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

1) "Spitting Games" Snow Patrol
2) "Living in Your Letters" Dashboard Confessional
3) "Bad News" Kanye West

There are people who hate auto tune. They say that T-Pain is ridiculously and that it's gimmicky and overused and ridiculous. This is amusing to me. It is amusing for two distinct reasons. First, auto-tune is just a production technique that's used all the time by artists in every genre. People are just using it in a way that you notice now, so it's not so much auto-tune's fault. Second, I can relate to that feeling. I went through a period where I was extremely...well...particular with my musical choices. I thought that I pretty much had the corner on what was good and that I was pretty accurate in saying that everything else was, well, bad. Most of what I listened to fell into the indie or experimental category because, at the time, I thought that that was the only place where music of true quality existed. Then I realized that music, like all other forms of entertainment is completely subjective and that there's nothing wrong with that. To try to compare The Beatles' White Album with Raffi's "Baby Beluga" is a little ridiculous if only because one is aimed at exploring different genres, redifining rock and the other is aimed at giving little kids something to dance to. I, personally, don't feel like that makes it crap. If you are trying to make art that you can sell, and most music falls into this category, then people buy it or they don't. People listen to it or they don't. And yet we have this need to categorize, to rank, to grade. But let's be honest, at the core of any review of music what we're really saying is "I like it" or "I don't." There's an episode of "The Office" where Andy says that he's not intuitive enough to be a film critic but could be a food critic and could say things like "Those muffins are bad." It's played for laughs, but let's be honest, good or bad is all we're really after. I really don't care if the food at a restaurant I go to is an A on a reviewers grading scale. What I do care is whether or not I'll enjoy it.

This brings me to my take on auto-tune. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I don't like T-Pain's "I Can't Believe It" but I think that "Blame It" by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain is really catchy and I really like almost all of the songs on Kanye's "808s and Heartbreak." West's mom died shortly before the writing and recording of the album and he uses auto-tune on the album to turn his songs into emo explorations of the loss he experiences. I think it's really creative and it adds a second layer to what he's writing. That being said, I can totally understand why someone else might think it's overwrought crap. In the end though, it's not so much the auto-tune that we're responding to. We're responding to how the auto-tune is used and how we respond to the way that it's used. Depending on the song, we may respond to that use completely differently. And that's okay. To be honest, I'm okay with you not liking any of the same music I like, that's totally okay. You may hate Justin Timberlake, but I personally think he needs to come out with another album. You may not like Lupe Fiasco, but I think he's a genius. Not so much because I think their albums are better than anyone else's but because I like their albums.

In the end, that's all I really care about.

3S1P: Allow me to introduce myself!

2009-06-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

1) "Riffs and Variations..." Sufjan Stevens
2) "Distractions" Zero Seven
3) "A Fast Train" John Powell

I'd like a theme song. To be honest, I'd love one. Imagine for a moment. Let's take a normal every day situation. A woman at the mall drops her wallet and continues out of the store. I see it and make up the three or four steps to hand it to her before she leaves. Now, normally, she accepts it, says thank you and we both go about our business. Now imagine that same moment with a stirring score complete with violins and a horn section. How much more epic is that?!?!?! "A Fast Train" is one of the tracks off of the Bolt soundtrack. I downloaded it because I was making a video for the cross country team and wanted a song that had that sort of epic feel to it. But why should these feelings of resonance, of stirring importance, be limited to movies? Why shouldn't I bring a sort of grandeur to parallel parking? to completing my taxes? to successfully using google maps to avoid rush hour traffic? These are the epic moments that define my life. They may not be huge, but my oh my they are exciting, and boy oh boy could they use some kicking up a notch. So why can't I have a theme song?

One simple reason friends... you don't get to request a theme song! Just like nicknames, you don't get to pick your own theme songs. As Seinfeld showed us, you can't pick your own nickname or everyone would want to be called T-Bone! So tragically friends, unless a composer of note (I don't want a janky theme song) decides randomly to score my life I'm doomed to roam the earth without a soundtrack to make my life more majestic. But that doesn't stop me from picking some of my favorites and humming them to myself for extra inspiration.

3S1P: Identity

2009-06-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

1) "Squalor Victoria" The National
2) "Kids" MGMT
3) "Love Ridden" Fiona Apple

Wow... this is kind of an unexpected song to come up. I vaguely remember hearing Fiona Apple for the first time somewhere around my freshman year in college. I remember thinking that she was different than anything I'd heard before (up to that point I'd really only listened to Christian music) and thinking that there was a lot of music that I just plain hadn't heard. That was an interesting year. It was, probably, the beginning of the developing tension between my desire to consume any and all music I could get my hands on and my desire to not listen to too much junk that I thought would pollute me. Music is so powerful, so influential. It subconsciously alters our moods, our perceptions, even our political ideals. I think everyone realizes this on a small level. I remember a friend of mine saying that he was surprised that I wasn't more liberal based on the music I listened to. I remember being surprised by that statement but then thinking about the fact that so much of the music I was listening to was about a mistrust of authority and government. He had a point.

It's funny how those types of influences can really become a part of who you are and where you've been. I was at lunch today with a friend and "Time" by Hootie and the Blowfish came on and I was instantly transported to my sophomore year of high school. I could feel that awkwardness, that insecurity, and that same sort of wonder at the fact that I had more freedom and more friends that year. That was also a season where the music I listened to all carried a certain level of optimism and I remember feeling fairly, well, optimistic. What is interesting about "Time" though is that it came off of a CD that also had a song about the presence of racism in our country. That was really the first time that I realized that music could be a platform to address the evils in our culture and being impacted by that. It was the first time that I realized that music could mean something and mean something to me.

Both of those phases (the Fiona phase and the Hootie phase) are interesting when you compare them to where I'm at now. I listen to art rock and experimental music (Radiohead and Passion Pit). I listen to commerical rock (Fall Out Boy). I listen to folk and acoustic (Iron and Wine and Sufjan Stevens). I even listen to The-Dream and Rihanna. I listen to everything. What I think is important to recognize about all that is that while the period in which I listened to Fiona Apple and the period in which I was listening to Hootie were times in which music had a very specific impact, the music I listen to now has an impact that's all over the place. Maybe, as a result, it's especially important to stay rooted, stay grounded, to ensure that I have a consistent contact with God. Otherwise, I could see something like music turning me into a sort of multiple-personality mess. Well, maybe that's a little extreme, but it certainly doesn't help me to find where I really am. I'm not saying it's bad to love a diverse variety of music. I just think it's important to keep hold of who you are and who you were made to be.

3S1P: Bring the Thunder!

2009-06-11T08:52:00.001-07:00

1) "Pictures of You" The Cure
2) "Don't Make Me a Target" Salute Your Solution
3) "Salute Your Solution" The Raconteurs

YES!!!! Yes yes yes! So amped! Finally, a fun song. I am... unashamedly a car singer. I don't mean so much when anyone else is in the car with me. BUT, when I'm driving alone, when the iPod is on shuffle, there are certain songs that I will belt out with force and conviction of that crazy, tipsy dude at the Karaoke Bar who is convinced that the world NEEDS to hear him sing "Sweet Caroline." Not that I am opposed to Sweet Caroline, or Neil Diamond for that matter. I think Neil Diamond is amazing. I own the Jazz Singer on vinyl. I think Comin' to America is the final word on what it means to write an anthem. But I digress. I'm just trying to establish the volume and energy that I bring to singing in the car. I'm not just singing. I'm belting out like I'm fronting an 80s hair metal band in its prime.

And I especially love songs that make you feel powerful, invincible, like some kind of mutant flying rodent with the head of a lion and the wings of a dragon and the biceps of Andre the Giant... and... oh... wow... THIS is a little awkward

But seriously, there's nothing quite like a song that makes you feel invincible. The song that makes you feel more confident the louder that you sing it. Songs like "My Hero" by Foo Fighters, "Pardon Me" by Incubus, "Say it Ain't So" by Weezer. And this confidence, this ridiculous euphoria that rides like a wave that only grows larger if you sing with other like minded psychopaths is one of my favorite things in the world.

That all to say...this is not one of those songs... really... I love Jack White, but I can't sing this song to save my life. It's too wordy, and I lose myself in trying to keep up... EXCEPT for one part. The part when he starts singing "I got what I got all despite you and I get what I get just to spite you." Oh man oh man oh man oh man. Never was there a more awesome line in a song meant to put the person who dumped you in their place and to empower the individual singing the line. Let's be honest. Getting dumped is somewhere between lame and super lame. But there's a certain power, a certain thunder, in being able to establish that while you may have lost that battle you will win the war of life. You'll have better relationships, more meaningful adventures, you'll run higher, see from the top of higher mountains, join in the call of the eagle songs as you conquer the mightiest of forests... HAHA... look what you're missing out on! And when we sing lines like this one... with conviction with strength... we are, temporarily... oh so temporarily, freed to be truly our epic selves, which is what we should be all the time anyway.

So, props to you Jack White, for giving me the words I need when I feel like standing on top of the wreckage and saying "Oh No ma'am! I will be victorious!"

3S1P: Importante

2009-06-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

1) "Verb" Silage
2) "This Woman's Work" Maxwell
3) "When You Were Young" The Killers

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I remember how much I loved this song when it came out. I felt like this album was going to be amazing and soaring and epic and take the Killers in a really cool new direction! This is such an interesting song for them, because it really is the Killers doing Coldplay. Meaning: soaring chorus with lyrics that mean next to nothing. I mean the song starts out singing about a girl desperate for a relationship and then next thing you know they're "Burning down the highway skyline on the back of a hurricane" Wowzers, that's quite the first date!

This song though, reminds me of how deceiving appearances can be, in people and music. You take this amazingly singable, fun single (that is still a blast to play on Rock Band by the way) and then you follow it up with a bunch of songs that are ridiculously self-important and trying so hard to be Bruce Springstein they can hardly stand it. I mean, at least with Coldplay you get some singable choruses. The rest of Sam's Town (the album that WYWY came off of) is a mess plain and simple. And I remember being so disappointed by that. I defended it. I tried to tell my friends that it was a testament to Americana, that there was hidden meaning, that the Killers were brave for making it. Reality: it was crap. And over time, over weeks and months, I began to listen to it less and less. Know the album is filed away in my collection doomed to collect dust with the Eve6 songs I have and the Third Eye Blind tracks. Bands that made one good song that makes you nostalgic every time you hear it and then make a bunch of forgettable junk.

It's one of the reasons why I have a tendency to not buy singles any more before I hear the whole album. That first impression may pack a punch, but it's the total package that truly makes a difference in the long run.

3S1P: Day Three

2009-06-09T08:10:00.001-07:00

1. "The Kill" 30 Seconds to Mars
2. "Think About It" Flight of the Conchords
3. "Love is a Battlefield" Pat Benatar

Wow... really? I'm really going to blog on Pat Benatar this morning? This is going to be an exercise. I have to be honest. There's a part of me that misses the unbridled optimism of the 80s. Of course that was also a time period where we were ridiculously self-centered, materialistic, and probably running ourselves into the ground, but DANG ... we were happy! This may actually be my favorite 80s song because it's the kind of fist pumping pop track that is on one hand really inspiring "we are young... no one can tell us we're wrong!" and at the same time mindful of the fact that it has no idea what it's talking about "heartache to heartache we stand ... no promises no demands." Honestly, there's probably something to be learned there.

I went through a phase in college, like most of us, where I was very confident of the fact that I knew everything... I may actually still be in that phase. But the funny thing about thinking you know everything is your behavior usually displays the exact opposite. You end up making a lot of stupid decisions/ending up in lame relationships to spite yourself. I still remember driving 4 hours to hang out with a girl who would hang out with me but whenever I asked her if she wanted to date would say "not right now." To a sane man, that would be a HUGE signal that this was not the right tree to be barking up. But to me, because I knew better, I kept driving that stinking four hour highway to rejection. In that moment... only Pat Benatar knew what I was feeling. We'll call them the Benatar days... wait, that sounds kinda lame/femme/sketch... we'll call them the 80s days.

That all being said, I'm glad I'm a little less in that phase than I used to be.

3S1P: Day Two

2009-06-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Songs for the morning:

1) "Be My Husband" Lisa Hannigan and Damien Rice
2) "Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil Wayne
3) "Good" Better than Ezra

Wow this song is way more depressing than I remember. But Good kind of fits perfectly into that mid 90's alt-rock sort of set up. You take a hook that sounds uplifting "It's been good living with you" and then mire it in lyrics that are hard to decipher and end up being ridiculously depressing (the song's about coming home to find the person you live with has left you). Classic example of this is Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind. There were hordes of kids in high school who would walk around singing the "doo doo doo" chorus like idiots having no idea that the song was about being addicted to meth.

This also kind of describes my high school experience. The exterior is glossy, but watch out once you get below the surface. I remember, in the midst of being really depressed, treating music as a form of escape at that point in my life, a way to express the things that I desired but hadn't attained. I think in that sense it was sort of like the earliest form of honest prayer for me. I'd talk about the stuff that I really wanted, but didn't really have any sense of how to actually do anything about those feelings/emotions. I remember singing "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters as a scrawny, awkward high schooler, and singing it with some force, but not having any idea of what it felt like to be in a relationship. Same for pretty much everything that the Wallflowers put out in that era. There was a sense of living a virtual life through the songs. Through them I lived out heartache, love, and anger vicariously. That was so cathartic and so ... well ... dangerous.

For a good four to five years after that point I remember feeling like I had to create moments of emotional resonance, like the scenes in movies where the music swells and the awkward but likeable protagonist really goes for it (you know what I'm talking about "Can't Hardly Wait"). But the crazy thing about that is that the best moments, most real, most emotional are not the ones that we manufacture but the ones that reveal themselves honestly. So, in searching constantly for that emotional high, I often missed out on the little things that God had blessed me with that were so much more genuine, so much more amazing. Classic example of this is a night that I was hanging out in Williamsburg with my Dad. It was freezing and he let me borrow his sheeps wool lined gloves. I had a pretty gnarly cut on my hands because, at the time, I was struggling with some low grade OCD and had taken to washing my hands every time I touched anything. The result was that I, basically, washed the skin off my hands until they would bleed infrequently. Anyway, my dad passes me his gloves and I realized that halfway through wearing them that I was bleeding on the gloves. I looked up at my dad and said "I'm really sorry but I think I ruined your gloves." He looked at them, and the blood, and just said "do you honestly think that I care more about gloves than you?" No big speeches, no one burst into song... well, someone might have, but it was Christmas and I think there were carolers in Williamsburg, but that's unrelated ... but that was something that I'll remember for the rest of my life.

That's the funny thing about Good and so many songs like it. For all their attempts to create an emotion that the listener can relate to, they're completely unrealistic. Who would go home to find that everything was missing from their house and that they're significant other had left and then would break into a catchy chorus of "well... it was good living with you" A CRAZY PERSON THAT'S WHO!!! Unfortunately for a good portion of my life I would try to create those same emotionally soaring moments because I thought that's the way that things were supposed to be. But to be honest, for all of my trying the thing that I realized that I was most missing out on was the little junk that is so insanely awesome.

3rd Song 1st Person:

2009-06-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

So here it is, for the next couple weeks (we'll see if I make it that far) I'm going to try something a little different in hopes of writing more consistently. Call it an experiment. I'm going to write a post every day in the theme "3rd Song 1st Person." Every day I'll write a post on the 3rd song that comes up on my iPod when I hit shuffle songs. There are a few stipulations: must be a song, must be the third song, can only start the shuffle once, no cheating. I'll list the songs that came in first and second. Feel free to check them out on IMEEM or Lala if you want to get a better feel for where I'm coming from. We'll see how it goes.

*Disclaimer* Today's song contains mature thematic material... it's a portrait of Lupe Fiasco's early upbringing and isn't sugar coated in any sense. Keep that in mind before you look up the lyrics.

Sunday June 7th, 2009
1) "In the Blood" by Better than Ezra
2) "Idioteque" by Radiohead
3) "Hurt Me Soul" by Lupe Fiasco

Dang, this shuffle took a left turn... sort of. Lupe may be the most emo rapper I know of, in a really good way. He's a master of recognizing the dualities within his own personality. The mix of influences, tastes, etc. I can relate to that, especially lately. I was hanging out with Audrey and Benson this past week, talking to Audrey about identifying the false self/selves that I am pretty quick to put up. Meaning this, I'm pretty good at acting exactly the way that I think people will relate to the best/like the most. This is exacerbated by the fact that I'm kinda freakin intuitive so most of the time I'm right about the way they want me to act. The cool thing about these last couple weeks is I've been learning just to be myself and let all those random influences combine in the way that is most comfortable/closest to the way that God made me instead of trying to call upon the particular interests/personality traits that I think fit the best in whatever situation I'm in.

That's kind of why I love that this is my first 3rd song. Southern rock bleeds into art rock bleeds into a rapper that is "american mentally with japanese tendencies, parisian sensibilities" This is like a gumbo mix. In "Hurt Me Soul" Lupe is reflecting on all of the different influences that have come his way, the loss of his innocence, the infiltration of his spirituality with his love for hip-hop with a back drop of all the chaos and turmoil that is surrounding him in the world. It's a really heavy song over a really mellow beat. This is Lupe in a nutshell: Hooks that scream dancefloor, lyrics that take an unflinching look at the social ills that surround him. What I love about Lupe is that when he criticizes he does it from a position of humility. If there are no holds barred, he's coming after his own shortcomings as well. He looks at life in the inner city, the faults present in hip hop, the ills that plague America and the world and acknowledges the fact that it is killing him on the inside.

So... how does the song relate to the self-reflection? I lament the fact that I've tried to hide who I really am so many times. I regret that I haven't let God use the mess that is me more frequently for fear of what man thinks. I'm not in a place as heavy as Lupe is in this song, but I do regret the fact that I haven't been more genuine towards people. More genuine about who I really am and more genuine about what I really think.

I am a geek, a nerd, I love disney, technology, rap, horrible r&b, clothes, I'm far too materialistic, I sing in public, I would dance in public if I wasn't such a chicken :). I am not cool, I am far too emo, I'm sentimental to a fault, I'm to insecure for my own good, I'm also too cocky for my own good.

I think that most people I know are either too liberal or too conservative, I get tired of people taking out other people behind each others backs, I'm not forgiving enough, I think the church is in danger of losing sight of what it means to love the sinner but hate the sin because it's embarrassed by the ways in which the sin has taken the front seat in the past, I'm charismatic, I believe that God still actively engages in the world, I'm not really a Republican, not really a democrat, because I think that both will always fall ridiculously short of what we could do in this country if we were sold out for Jesus. I really get tired of people who talk about global politics who have never visited the countries that they have such strong opinions about, I think the Church needs to start tithing or we are in danger of becoming the Rich Man to the world's Abraham. And things don't end up well for the rich man. I don't think being rich makes you a Pharisee. I think that social justice can be an idol just as much as money can. I think that there is a right answer. I think I ignore it to often and it hurts my soul.

Genuine

2009-05-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

Saw one of my students give his testimony in what was one of the most genuine moments I've seen in quite some time. No apologies, no attempts to make things more interesting or exciting, just a very real explanation of where he was at with God. It made me realize that so often in the church we try to engage with where we believe people "should" be and speak from a position that reflects our "best" moments. We rarely bring the junk, the struggles, the frustrations to the table. I know this is not a new revelation, but one that I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. The frustrating aspect of this is that it never creates a deeper understanding of the inroads to a deeper walk with Christ.

To better explain where I'm going with this, because I'm rambling, I know, I'm going to use an analogy from music. Lets say you only ever had two examples of what it meant to be a guitar player, yourself and maybe, um, John Lennon. Now lets say that no one ever explained to you that Lennon took a while to get there, through practice, hard work, and dedication. You might become convinced that its pointless to even try playing guitar as you don't see a possible means of getting to that "Lennon Level." It would be obvious that Lennon is where you should be. What might not be obvious is that you could get there.

Now this is a poor example, for any number of reasons. Not least of which because it fails to take into consideration the fact that some people will never be able to play guitar as well as John Lennon. But, I do think that this illustrating does reveal an interesting trend in the church.

When we fail to bring our garbage to the table it creates the illusion that there are two types of Christians. Those who have it easy, who have it all together, who never mess up, and those who constantly struggle. From that place, those who are very aware of the fact that they struggle often do two things: either give up on the trying or just "fake it to make it" and put forward a front that looks good to their community. That's why it's so important that as a community we are real with where we are actually at. That we are honest when we struggle with different sin areas. That we create space for people to be real about where they are actually at.

I'm not saying we should relish in sin, that we should delight in the fact that we mess up, but I do think sharing a realistic, "warts and all" picture of the walk helps to illuminate the fact that all temptation is common, that our God is a God of redemption who works with even the greatest of sinners. I think it also constantly reminds us that we are all desperately in need of forgiveness because we all sin constantly. I think, in some ways, I'm furthest from God when I think that I'm doing a really good job of following him and I'm closest to God when I realize that I'm horrible at following Him and constantly need Him to transform me from the inside.

That's why I want to be more genuine...

Vocation

2009-05-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

There are no paragraph breaks in this post. Deal with it.

Antony asked me this weekend if I thought I'd found my vocation. "I'd say so." To which he responded, "but would you say that unprompted" Hesitated a little bit at that one. It's interesting but due to some combination of my very nomadic upbringing, my ENFP personality, and lingering insecurity I still have some serious issues with commitment. Referring to my job as my vocation still causes a bit of a shudder to run up my spine. The post-modernist in me just doesn't want to identify myself with one thing so specifically. That being said, if I was honest, I'd have to say that I have indeed found what I would consider to be my vocation. My hesitation to identify it as such has pretty much only kept me from giving 100% to what I was doing. Which is a little bit on the lame sauce side of things. My dad always used to say that "Excellence honors God" which I used to view as a fairly trite paring down of the gospel as I knew it. I'm coming to realize, though, that just because that's not the entirety of God's intent for our lives doesn't make it not true. I'm coming to value truth nuggets like that one. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, pursuing excellence in the things that God has placed in my path reveals a willingness on my part to trust in the fact that He doesn't have me in some sort of spiritual holding pattern. If He, in his sovereignty, has placed me where I'm at for a reason, maybe I should try to pursue His work for me in that place eagerly. Coming out of the Navy that's consistently been one of my largest struggles. When I was there I always thought of it as a go between, a gap filler in my life and never really sold out to the idea that I needed to look for where He was working around me in that area as much as I could. That never really happened until the very end. Now, in a place I love with a vocation I've grown to be really stoked about, it's time to get over it and dive in. Not so much with more time but with greater intentionality, prayer, and a willingness to surrender to the things that God has for me.

That's pretty stinking exciting.

Uncomfortably Comfortable

2009-04-08T00:15:00.001-07:00

It struck me as odd, this past week in D.C., the lengths we go to make our history "comfortable" to those who come to study/observe/revisit it. Over the course of three days we visited the Gettysburg Battlefield, Williamsburg, and Monticello and in all three of these places slavery was mentioned but never given the attention that the culture/commerce/innovation/politics were given. This strikes me as more frustrating because I don't think we make our leaders stronger or better by glossing over their weaknesses. We just make our heritage more convoluted. I don't think that saying Jefferson disliked slavery but didn't see a way around it as an acceptable response to the fact that he had hundreds of slaves, fathered at least 1 possibly 4 children into slavery who he did not free until they had reached the age of 21. I don't think presenting that situation as a "moral dilemma" should free him from close or condemning scrutiny. Jefferson had issues. I think we just need to deal with that. The man chose comfort over conscience. I think it also dilutes the impact of someone like Lincoln who, generations later, still seems to withstand close scrutiny. Exceptional leaders should be just that, exceptional. All this to say, I realized how often I choose comfort over conscience. Like one of the disciples who couldn't handle the fact that Jesus said "eat my flesh and drink my blood" often I "vamoose" when I am challenged to do things that leave me uncomfortable in this world.

Conflict Delayed...

2008-12-30T15:59:00.001-08:00

It sort of hit me the other day while looking at photos on the big picture (boston.com/bigpicture... check it out if you haven't yet) that we are at a fairly key, yet easily overlooked period as a church. We have a tendency as people, i think, (oh geez, here comes a crass generalization but I'm going with it anyway) to engage with conflict only when it is directly in front of our faces. Here's an analogy of what I'm talking about. I have beef with the fact that my sister doesn't seem to respect my stuff. However, instead of engaging with the issue at the time or trying to work out some sort of mutual understanding, I wait until she uses my guitar without asking to make it "a thing". I think that to a larger extent we did this with the last election. There is a definite rift growing in the American church (or at least the part of it I have first hand experience with) where the values of a more "traditional" consitituency are at odds with a group of evangelicals who would consider themselves more "progessive" (dang that's a lot of terminology, I'm trying to avoid anything that would be cast as unfair to either side). We saw these issues rear their ugly heads during the climactic conclusion to the most recent election season. Abortion, immigration, global welfare, were discussed or debated or clashed over as it became very obvious that people are developing very different takes on what it means to follow Christ. And then, the election, and as far as I can see, these issues were dropped, moved on from. Have the wounds that were caused by these debates that easily been healed? Is there a sudden mutual respect between groups present in the Church? Are we okay with the fact that there are some very stark contrasts among a body that has been called to pursue unity. I'll admit I'm skeptical... but I think we really need to figure out a way to work through this junk... otherwise I think we're looking at some huge issues for the church and division could be a very real problem. Just thinking...

Honesty

2008-11-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm being teased... like I'm having something I'll will never get waved in front of my face...

but I still trust you...

On Computers and Catastrophe

2008-10-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

I felt the need to break the relative silence that has been present on my blog over the past weeks (true, I have not been "in transit" persay, but if that becomes the filter through which i pass the decision to blog or not to blog, then I may never write) to respond to a recent development that seems to be a new trend in my life. Many years ago, as a young Ensign in the United States Navy, I made the decision (perhaps overdue) that I should replace my ailing Gateway computer (yes, I was one of the idiots that thought that buying a computer adorned with cow-hide was a good idea). Beginning the search for a new computer, I felt it prudent to use my old computer as a sort of bartering chip (sell on ebay, craigslist, your mom's house, etc.). Almost immediately after making that decision, however, the battery, plug, and the connection between the battery all unexpectedly fried, leaving the IT on my ship to tell me that my computer was "done for." In itself, a frustrating occurence, but fast forward a few years to 2004 and I was the proud owner of a Nissan Sentra with 35 mpg (oh yeah Leo, I know you can dig it) but had made the decision to trade in my economy package for a new vehicle. Two days before selling my car, I ran into a overturned traffic cone on the freeway (that was black and couldn't be seen at night) destroying my windshield wiper fluid resevoir, my front fender, and effectively lowering the value of my car by $1000 or more. Again, frustrating. Flash to present day (i.e. two days ago) and my decision to upgrade again to a new laptop. While moving into my new apartment, I tripped over the chord to my Powerbook, pulling it off of the TV stand it was on and effectively frying the harddrive.

This leads me to a few conclusions.

1) I am accident prone (I'm willing to admit it)
2) The machines have declared war and I definitely need to go see Terminator: Salvation and Transformers 2: Rise of the Machines when they come out (Thank goodness Michael Bay is around to show me the way.)

Realignment

2008-08-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

Things rediscovered in Cambridge and Oxford:

1) I am a bit of word nerd
2) I am a bit of a nerd altogether
3) I will randomly burst into song
4) I like saying fresh
5) I can seriously get into a discussion on bioethics
6) I have the attention span of a jack russell terrier
7) I dig a good sweater vest
8) I'm not a fan of choral music
9) I want to read more
10)I'm a big fan of gardens
11)I am actually kind of a fan of who I am when I act like myself

Cambridge

2008-08-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

This has been an amazing week. There's something so awesome about this half of the conference. The campuses in Cambridge have an almost mythic quality. Quiet gardens, open fields, a slowly winding river that borders it all. I've had really cool times of prayer and fellowship with friends and I'm so grateful for the experience. It has also been one of those identity defining weeks that I really appreciate. I feel like God's been peeling back the layers and reminding me of what it feels like to truly act like, or perhaps be, myself.

Preparing to Leave

2008-07-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

It's overwhelming in some ways to process all that we have seen and done during this trip. We head back tomorrow and in many ways my head feels like it's swimming from this one. I really feel like God has continually been putting spanish speaking communities on my heart and I've done little to nothing to engage with that. So...goal for the year...one spanish phrase a week...

Ministry

2008-07-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Man I felt inept today. Leading in a culture when you don't speak the language can be downright exhausting. Liesa and Alex did an amazing job with translation and communication though ... very cool stuff. I really appreciated the chance to see them in action. I feel like I'll learn a lot more from this trip, but it's going to take a lot out of me to get there.

Preparation

2008-07-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting...saw a bit of the surroundings of Juan Dolio and the layout of the Dominican as we flew in. Couple of hours to unpack followed by dinner and a briefing on what we'll be doing for the next few days... it's pretty obvious that this is going to require a whole lot of flexibility and a willingness to fly by the seat of the ol' pants. Thankful for rad chaperones and that Gomez came along, makes the trip feel more accessible... not sure why that is.

Today we start our first day of ministry... please pray!

Launch

2008-07-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Chilling in the ATL airport with 4 hours to go til the flight to Santo Domingo. Got some Caribou coffee in my system (soooooo good) and I'm actually enjoying the more frustrating aspects of travel...

want my expectations to be expanded for what God can do with this team... want to see myself grow beyond chaperone to a vessel through which God can do the stuff...

Limbo

2008-07-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

Limbo is ridiculously frustrating. I've had approximately 3 weeks in between trips and I've spent most of that time looking forward to the next trip. It's the whole watched pot scenario. It's just that I realize that there is a sort of resignation, not that it's all that bad, that comes from finally returning after a long period of travel. A sense that it is time, at long last, to settle into the status quo of work, home, etc. But, in between trips, there's that tension that all at once tells you to rejoin your life and to stay somewhat separate. To focus on the travel that you haven't completed yet.

Man, I want to take off again...

Prep

2008-07-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Problem inherent in trying to work around a 11 hour layover...

Laundry, Packing for both trips is fine, but I don't have much room for overlap and don't want to do laundry when I'll get in at essentially 11 and will have to be back at the airport the next day at 7...

Recap

2008-07-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

So, basically, this is the plan, and the reason for starting to blog again:

LA, San Diego, Dominican Republic, Cambridge, Oxford, London

Not necessarily in that order...

Murphy's Law

2008-07-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Things that can go wrong in transit:

1. First flight delayed
2. Second flight is missing baggage and runs out of water (for the bathroom)
3. Third flight is cancelled
4. Fourth flight doesn't load bags
5. Fifth flight switches security areas without notice

What?!?!?!?